Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Growing pains

, make it as if this is my one time to be honest and pour everything out - like a cleanse. I think that i am finally making that leap from childhood into adulthood. And what im going through is the process that it takes from leaving your childhood behind and accepting the responsibilities that come with growing up, like facing your fears, dealing with the truth, acknowledgement of reality and all of those things that you felt you never had to deal with because you thought that they wouldnt apply to you. What i feel is, how your foundation is built is the manner in witch you deal with your issues. And even though i grew up with the assumption that my mother didnt love me, or didnt understand me, somewhere in the back of my mind i must have felt that it wasnt the case. Because, if i truly believed that was the case, my reaction to the transformation that i am going through would be the very definition of pain. And im not in pain, im just sad. There's a sadness inside of me that i can only understand as being the sadness that comes with the longing and nostalgic memories. And i think that what triggered all of this was finding out that my mother was sick. The kind of sickness that would keep her body with me, but her mind gone. She spent three months with me here in London. And i had to learn to deal with with her and all her transformations. And Nate, there isnt a sadder thing in life then to see someone you love disappear in front of your eyes. And you learn to let go of the things that hold you back, the conceptions that you built in your mind for so long and the same ones that held you back and kept you from opening your eyes and see. I finally see her, i finally see the woman in from of me for all the she is and all that is has ever been to us. She is the very platform, the foundation from witch we all set ourselves to be. I decided to write letters to her. I had to find a way to heal me and purge my pain and sorrow. I explain to her my discoveries, i write about my memories and the things that sometimes are just too painful to say, but when written are easier to come. So this is me, learning to let go and learning to deal with the things that bring pain and sorrow.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

If you're gone

Ever looked at someone and see that they are slowly fading away? When you suddenly realize that this person is leaving, that she's already gone? I dont think that there is a sadder thing in life then to see someone you love disappear into nothingness. Look at you and see nothing. I mean sometimes she does give away sighs that remind me of what she is, of what she once was. And for moments i forget. I forget that she's leaving and i just pretend that nothing has changed and that she's there. And i look and i see her. Its funny how you're eyes see only what they want to see, or only see when they are ready to see. And i see her history and her story. I see her joy and her pain, her sorrow and her loss. I can finally see her spirit and understand her and what comes within her. And i try to understand why is that that all this time never i once take the time out of my selfishness to even look at her. I guess my eyes weren't ready to see. I came across some letters and pictures and documents she carries with her. I know that soon all these reminders of life wont mean a thing to her. But as i started going through them i was realized that i was stumbling through her life and discovering her world. Entering her private thoughts, her intimacy. I suddenly understood where i came from. This was me and it was my sisters and my brother. All this time and i never was able to see past the carer, the disciplinary, the provider, the guiding force, the platform from which to jump from. Not once did it occur to me that this person that has been all these things to us could carry inside of her so many feelings, such vulnerability and this tremendous amount of sensitivity. Gee if i could only get past me and my ways and tell her about my findings. Inadequacy holds me back. I mean this discovery of mine makes me look at this person in a totally different light. This is a new person to me. How am i going to approach her as such? And if i did, would it have on her the impact that i want it to have? Would she understand me and would she finally put to rest all the misconceptions she has of me ?! Or am i again drawing conclusions still based on what i have defined her to me?! I Think that all this time she has known it. She knows me so well she can anticipate my every move, my thoughts, my behaviour...She knows why it took me so long to see her. But still, even though her hand is on the door and she's about to leave i wanted her to know that there is a little bit of her in everything i do.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

What goes around comes around. That's what people say. So all the pain you caused me will come back to you someday.

There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try. I wouldn't expect you to understand that, or even believe it, but trust me, there are some loves that don't go away. And maybe that makes them crazy, but we should all be lucky enough to end up with somebody who has a little of that insanity. Someone who never lets go. Someone who cherishes you forever.
There is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these lovable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011


He was- He took something from me. He took little pieces of me, little pieces over time, so small I didn't even notice, you know? He wanted me to be something I wasn't, and I made myself into what he wanted. One day I was me Ana, and then suddenly I was lying for him, lying about me, making him out to be something he wasn't. And i was jeopardizing my life, and making a deal with myself to endure this at all cost. Give up what i had to, to became something that he could love. Started to believe that i was everything that he said i was. A basket full of flaws and inperfections.
Until I was standing in front of him, slim and trim and almost a re-programmed me. There in front of him with all those appealing atribuites,but i wasnt Ana anymore. And even then, I would've stayed . I would have. I lost myself for a long time. And now that I'm finally me again, I can't. I love you. I love you more than I loved him. I love you different, i love you healthy.
But you have to understand that i still bear scares from that time. They are ingrained in me, the pop up with every obsticule that i encounter. They ride me everytime that i try to clear my mind and see what is in front of me.
I still have bad habits and condition my thoughts accordingly.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Out of Balance

Success don't mean anything if you can't control your own being. "It doesn't mean anything if you can't fit into your clothes,It means the fat won. It means you didn't win. ... I am mad at myself. I am embarrassed.

Wow, I’ve been putting off writing this letter for years. Actually, I think I did write a letter several years ago but eventually tossed it, feeling it would do no good.

I think I waited so long because.... I had so much to say; for so long. Today, I am off from work for spring break and saw a look on Oprah’s face that spoke many volumes to me. (Maybe, once I get started this will turn into a book, Oprah can promote it and I can quit worrying about my mortgage and retirement!)

Today’s was yet another Oprah Show about fat. Katherine was fat, she got thin, she came on the show, they applauded, she gained it back, she lost some, she returned to the show and Oprah entertained her ideas about how to live with or without fat.

You know, I’ve stopped watching these shows generally. As a matter of fact I’ve stopped watching Oprah, generally. She got that God complex thing going there for awhile and I thought, “I can’t continue watching.” But actually, maybe a big part of the real reason I stopped, was that her pain and denial about food and fat, and her very influential ideas on the subjects, really ticked me off.

There it was again today. The denial of her pain etched into her oh-so-familiar face. I waited as she questioned, I waited as she hocked another book with “the answers” and finally, I got it, the pay off. “... and you loved yourself even at 300 lbs?” “Yes.”

“Yes, that’s the key... that’s the key.” Yes, here was Oprah wondering again if it could really be true. “Can people really love themselves at 300 lbs.? And if they do, THEN does the weight magically fall off? That must be the answer because that’s the only thing that I’ve not been able to do.”

I don’t know if people can really love themselves at 300 lbs. I suspect that they can love parts of themselves at any weight but that they will always feel “less than” if they are fat. And really, isn’t this what your internationally famous show should be discussing? Isn’t this the real issue? Why DO people feel “less than” if they are fat? Oprah has an obscene amount of success, money, power, admiration, influence..... yet, she still feels “less than”. Why is that? Does this feeling come from societal expectations, internal expectations, historical expectations? Or is it individual, dealing with internal demons, finding refuge in food, character flaws, habit, compulsion, or addiction?

I don’t want to get into the fat vs. thin debate just yet, but I can tell you I have yet to meet a thin person without all or some of these expectations, influences and tendencies.

The real crime here, and I suspect it is the demon that Oprah continues to try to escape, is, as she said today, the amount of time, or as I like to say, “life” wasted (waisted?) on this obsession. EVERY woman knows this demon... whether she is fat, thin, or “perfect”. Maybe if we could measure how much time we, particularly women, spend thinking about, talking about, wishing about, eating about, spending on, fretting over, watching, disguising, avoiding, working against, and sabotaging ourselves over, we might be so stunned by the amount of life wasted that we could begin to think differently. I say “begin” because for most of us, this way of thinking is ingrained. It is part of our souls. We are not able to remember a time when this preoccupation was not a part of every aspect of our lives.

We hate like hell to think about our daughters having to also lose so much of their lives, but we are powerless to teach them any differently. And so, the problem seems to get worse with each generation.

How do we begin to deal with this loss of “life”? To start, we examine the question of why we feel less-than. We identify and target the causes and present fair and contrary measures to change perceptions. The process would probably look something like moving a hill of sand one grain at a time, but we have to start somewhere and progress will be measured in life restored – what better cause is there?

To me, and here’s the ticked off part, the best place to start would be to have an internationally recognized figure to promote these fair and contrary measures. Someone, who might, for instance, encourage and support the use of larger people in places of respect, responsibility, and yes, beauty. This someone could buy commercial time featuring larger people as actors and promote ideas about love of self and respect for others. It would be wonderful if this someone lived a life that exemplified these ideas and accepted herself as she encouraged others to do the same.

I know why Oprah has chosen not to be this person. I know how difficult it is to accept one’s self, as a fat woman. It takes strength, love.... and courage. How can we be expected to accept something about ourselves when people tell us our whole life that it is our “fault” that we are fat. That there is blame there, and that we are responsible and accountable?

I do understand this failure to embrace one’s own fat body. But what I don’t understand is the irresponsibility of using an extremely popular and influential media to continue to promote the viability of a “cure”. How many times have we heard and seen Oprah flaunting someone’s weight loss or endorsing some diet or life-style change? Her yo-yo appearance should convince us that she does not have the answers. Today I saw her doubt.

Imagine for a moment that Oprah had endorsed self acceptance and respect. How would the world be different? Imagine seeing all types of people in all types of places doing all types of things. Imagine how much “life” could have been saved.


“Fair and contrary measures...” Aye, there lies the rub. “Fair: just, unbiased, in accordance with the rules.” Sorry, they weren’t kidding when they said, “ Life isn’t fair”. We are not born the same. Some of us will have long healthy lives and live past 100. Some of us will develop diseases. Some of us will have brilliant minds. Some of us will be blind or live in a wheel chair. Some of us have long legs and athletic physiques. Some of us will be voluptuous. Some of us will be thin and some of us will be fat.

That last sentence alone will stir debate for decades. But like it or not, some of us will be fat. That alone does not make us less-than.

So what does it mean to be fat? I have no desire to go into all the horror stories of prejudice and persecution that come from inhabiting a fat body. Fat has come to mean so much more that what it is, a fact of life and genetics. Are there some people who are fat because of life-style changes and choices?

Are there people who are fat as a consequence of mass food production? Are there people who seek solace in food and become obese? Yes. Are there thin people who are subjected to these same circumstances and choices? Yes. The why, what ifs, and wherefores debate can rage as long as there is desire, but in the end, there will still be fat humans.

I’m being fair now. So, as soon as we read those words, especially if we are fat, we say, “Yeah, but that’s not me! All I have to do is _____________ (fill in the blank- diet, exercise, cut out this food and that, etc. etc.)”. It’s hard, I know. Denial is sooo much easier to deal with than acceptance. When I say easier, I mean, less painful.

Fat people are so targeted and made to feel less-than. Who wants to admit that they are actually fat? Especially when there are so many people telling you, you can solve your problem if you just ____________ (There’s that blank again.).

I’m being fair again. I know that some will have stopped reading or absorbing any more information because of pain and denial. The fact is, if you are fat or have ever been fat, as an adult, you will not be able to be thin or permanently control your weight without extraordinary measures. And many people have chosen these extraordinary measures as an alternative to living life as a fat person. Extraordinary measures include everything from dieting, to stomach and intestinal surgery, to excessive exercise. I also include taking mental measure of everything you eat.... anything that obsessively takes your “life” time.

Remember, this section is called “fair”. Life is not fair. Being born a fat person is not fair. Fat people lead shorter lives. It’s true. If you are fat, you will most likely not lead as long a life as a thin person. It’s a hard fact, but true. Not fair. Even if you are super rich, powerful and influential; if you are born a fat person, or become a fat person, you will most likely lead a shorter life.

So, what are your choices? Well, you can choose to take extraordinary measures in the hopes of gaining a longer life. These days, doctors are likely to recommend bypass surgery for their obese patients. Even they, who purported to have the answers all those years, have come to understand that there is no “cure”. This extraordinary measure is risky, some die, some have complications, some go on to lead thin lives, some gain it all back.

You could try various forms of dieting and exercise. The statistics show an incredibly low rate of long term success and I would suspect that those who do succeed are using extraordinary measures. Once an adult puts on weight, the body will always strive to be that weight. As hard as you might try, and perhaps succeed, in emptying those fat cells, they will always want to be refilled.

What about the kids? It’s no secret that there is an alarming rate of obesity among children. Do I think this is because of life style? Yes, mostly. But I believe that the problem here is just as complicated, if not more so, than with adults. I believe that many children are dealing with a lack of parental contact, neglect and very little physical activity. I also think the issue is compounded by low self-esteem. In any case, this means that we will have even more obese adults. Will we be treating these people as we have treated other fat people? Will our attitudes toward fat people help the child obesity problem or hurt it?

The question should really be, “How much of the life you have are you willing to give up?” If you become obsessive about food intake, or exercise, and you are thinking about food, fat, and dieting all the time, you are giving up your life.

I always think about men. I know more and more men are developing these life-sucking thinking patterns, but in general they don’t waste their lives on them. (I really don’t want to get into what they do waste their lives on.)

But what if we had all that time back? Don’t we want to spend the time we have in a world where we are accepted for who we are? How can we help each other create a world where all are accepted? What happens to us, physically, if we know we are accepted? Is it possible for humans, who naturally seek someone to be better than (another story), to ever see fat people as equal or even worthwhile? I don’t see it happening in my lifetime (short as it is!). But I am optimistic (back to that pile of sand). It would be really wonderful to have someone of size, who is influential, to help us all be more accepting.

Monday, March 14, 2011

After a certain point, a heart with so many stress fractures would never be anything but broken.

It's like he is driving a car, okay and I just wanna be in the passenger seat, but he's locked the door and I have to hold onto the bumper.You know, I'm not even asking for him to open the door for me, just leave it unlocked and say come in, but no he didn't do that, so I'm hanging on to the bumper and life goes on and the car goes on and I get really badly bruised and am hitting potholes and it hurts, I mean it hurts and yesterday I had to let go of the bumper because it hurts too much.... it hurts too much.

Remember when you use to think that this love was as good as it could get, and how even though it was painful it felt right. And there was always an explanation for the pain felt?!
I remember. Fear took a hold, fear made it home. Made it feel so comfortable that you would really convince yourself that in fact this was as good as it could get.
Its funny how conveniently you allow yourself to digest lies when you just don't want to feast up on the truth.
I need five minutes, i need a break. I need alone time.

Alone time is when I distance myself from the voices of the world so I can hear my own. And everyone is just gonna have to respect that. Im sorry if i heart your feelings and im sorry if im not emotionally available right now. Sorry...

Be yourself they say. What a cliché, we hear it over and over in literature, fairy tales, songs, but we still don't get it. It might be because we dream, we don't worry whether the dream is worthy of us, but if we're worthy of the dream. So we lose our identities in order to chase what we want, but if we can stay proud of who we are and not run from ourselves, then maybe your dreams, like a prince with a glass slipper, will come find us.
I dream a lot. All kinds of dreams. About water, about air, about a flat tire about so many things. And i know that all of these little messages are trying to bust out - If i only knew what the meant (Or do i??)
Things change, life happens.

And there is nothing like that first person you were so afraid to lose, the one person that changed your expectations and the one that you compare all the future people in your life to, because deep down inside you know that he was the one that set the standard for love. I say this because i believe that It’s not about who you’ve been with, it’s about who you end up with. Sometimes, the heart doesn’t know what it wants until it finds what it wants.
I found out what i want, and i found out what i need...i found love.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

I was born with an enormous need for affection,

There's no hard feelings there is no one to blame. Just two people who don't feel the same.
I didnt fight to stay because all you wanted for me to do was leave. I'm not going to miss s you when you don't miss me. I'm not gonna care when you don't care at all, I'm just not going to try at all. You kept my hopes up for much too long. It's about time they come crashing back down to earth.

Why did I do it? I guess because I was sick of you running in and out of my life without some kind of consequence. So here is your close line baby, I hope the fall hurts like hell.
I hated being put in that position. Of forcing myself to let go of the one person I needed in my life. You were the only thing that made sense, but at the same time, the one thing that complicated me. I know that I'm better off without you, but I feel empty when I tried to let go.
Want to know what it was like being in love with you? It was like taking me to the top of the highest mountain, showing me the entire world and telling me "This is everything you can't have".
Sometimes, no matter how long or hard you've loved someone, they'll never love you back. And sometimes, you have to be okay with that.
I hope you know that you were once the most important person in my life for a very long time. You were the guy I thought about while listening to all those songs, the one guy who made me actually look forward to waking up in the morning. You were the guy who could make or break me, who had my heart, but never bothered to do anything about it.
It's funny how we set qualifications for the right person to love when deep in your hearts we know that the person we truly love will always be an exception
I can't pretend anymore.
You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine.
Lightening doesn't often strike twice, it's a once in a lifetime thing. Even if it feels like the shock is coming over and over again. Eventually the pain will go away, the shock will wear off. And you start to heal yourself, to recover from something you never saw coming. But, sometimes the odds are in your favor. And you're just in the right place at just the right time and you can take a hell of a hit and still have a shot at surviving
You used to shine so bright, but I watched all of it fade.
It’s funny how you think you actually mean something to someone, and they just turn around and prove you wrong
When You grow to love someone letting them go is like losing a part of you. Whenver you must let go because it's what is best for you, you keep thinking of reasons to stick around.
If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello.
And it has, and i feel lucky because i was so afraid that i would never be able to feel what it was like to love again, but i have and it feel like sunshine in caressing my skin again.
You will always be a part of my life because i grew up with you (though sometimes it was hard) but now its time to say goodbye to you.