Short Span Of Attention

As i grow older, and let me just say that i'm in the "baby years"if i put it into perspective. Given that those who know this stuff say that we are the generation that is going to live longer. So to intertain my ego, i might as well say that im notin my 40's im still walking on my "baby years". As for the cinicals i say...well ok. But i'm still on the right side of the 40's

So as i was writting, as i get older i feel that i'm finding it hard to deal with crap and bullshit. Well not hard. Lets correct this and say that i'm not willing to put up with what people decide to throw at me.
So. If you're gonna flatter me, you better be intelligente with him. If you're gonna waste my time and call on my attention you better make it worth it. I got no time for bullshit. And i know. I know that if i'm going to take a stand like this one. Be arrogante as some might thing. I'm going to enter some pretty tough terretory and sometimes...i might just not like what i'll hear and i might get somethings trown at me. Like words that i m might find tough to chew.
But i'll take that the risk. Because to be in that status is a whole new of quality living and socializing. Your state of mind your attitude and your happiness are complet and not threatend.The kind of living where you don't have to be apologetic to anyone, you say what is on your mind you are true to your self and you don't hold back.
A kind of living where you don't take crap or bullshit from anyone. You don't waste your energy on pettiness and ignorance. Where you will only allow to be part of your life things and people that can help you be a better person and can allow you to evolve into whatever you are set to be. Whatever you are equiped to be. And you well except and expect the same in return.
Like for exemple. Saying NO when you have to. Even knowing that is not going to please others or taking a position that you know is not politicaly correct. But it doesn't matter. Because if in your heart your going to be true to yor self, you're going to always know what is the correct think to do.

So if you're going to shift my attention towards you, make it good, make it worth my time and energy.

Lost in Translation

You play it so cool, won't let nothing show through. I don't know if i get through to you.

The mistery and the secret about making your relationship work, according to a book that i'm reading is a woman has to know and understand the man and his cave and the man has to be sensitive and supportive to the woman's wave estate.

But i get really resentful. I feel myself thinking negative thoughts about the way he deals with our distance.
This is how i see the situation. I don't know untill what extent it is accurate, but its what i believe and its how i feel. And In silently i resent that in him and i wished that things could be different. But i feel myself as time goes by, getting less and less tolarante. I see me getting picky and i think i don't automaticly sugar coat things as i used to.
The days when i'm tired and i'm not blured by my nostalgia i find that i'm not trying to find excuses or justifications for his silence. And i should be able to be honest enough to say it. But i hold myself back. I keep thinking that the worse thing is to creature an issue or an argument "long distance".
I mean its not something that you can debate over a phone call. Or an email, no matter how elaborate i can make it.

I do miss him and i love him and i dont want to let him go. I still think that if i had to choose, life is more painful without him in it then it is with him.
He wrote to me the other day "You are the coolest woman on the planet. You really are!". I liked it but its not enough anymore. I wanted to write back and tell him that i can be more then the coolest woman on earth. I wanted to be the woman that he loved and wanted to be with. And i wanted him to realize without me haven't to say it, that he should know how lucky he is for having someone like me in his life that is so devoted and loyal to him. Thats what i want him to know. That to me he is like a new day, like the sun on my skin. I want him to understand that he shouldn't take what i feel for him for granted that i'm not saying it to shake him up. Im saying to wake him up.

And i understand that has a man he needs to figure his things out and get hislife in gear before he can be the man that he can be to me. But he can do all that without losing his focus on me, if i indeed am a part of his life and plans.

Viva La Vida

I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own

I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing
"Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!"

One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand

I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field

For some reason I can't explain
Once you go there was never
Never an honest word
And that was when I ruled the world

It was the wicked and wild wind
Blew down the doors to let me in
Shattered windows and the sound of drums
People couldn't believe what I'd become

Revolutionaries wait
For my head on a silver plate
Just a puppet on a lonely string
Oh who would ever want to be king?

I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field

For some reason I can't explain
I know Saint Peter won't call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world

I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field

For some reason I can't explain
I know Saint Peter won't call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world

Distant Lover

"Distant lover, lover
So many miles away
How long, how i long for you
Every night, every night
And sometimes I yearn
Through the day
Distant lover
You should think about me
And say a prayer for me
Please, please
Think about me sometimes..."


If he askes me how i am, ill say i'm OK. I'll pretend everything is fine because i'm afraid that if i say i'm lonely and i hate being apart from him, he wont understand.
I'll try to be nice, but the resentment is always trying to come out. Because in my mind i'm conviced that its easier for him, and he has no problem with the fact that we are distant from each other. I know that what i want is reassurance but im so afraid of being rejected.
I try to approache the subject but my intuition always tell me that its an uncomforable situation for him. Its not something that he is at ease with. But does that make it right, to what point should i respect that in him and not talk about it. Especially when its something that affects me deeply. I don't know how to approach him with out sounding like i'm pressuring him to make a decition.
What i want for him to understand is that what i resent is the situation in it self. Not him. I don't want to be in this situation. Life is so short and we spent it apart when we should be enjoying it together. Because if its not meant to be the time apart really doesn't make any sense does it.
So yes i do need reassurance. I need to know that this is going somewhere and that there is a plan for a future together. I'm not asking for a guaranty. I'm not asking him to sigh a contract with me. But i do need to know if we are in this together or if to him this is just a long distance relationship with no plans for a future.
I have been searching myself for a long time about this long distance relationship. I've looked inside i know about the diffence between us i know about the obsticules i stand against and i know i'm ready and have been for a while to deal with this level of commitment. But there has to be a goal set for us - a specific time being it six months or a year or a little more - when the separation in going to end. There has to be an agreed upon goal to look forward to because i don't want to and i cant handle the "stringing along the status quo indefinitly " witch is very frustrating and exausting. Even if at the end of that goal set we decide that its best to call it quits. Anything is better then this feeling of being lost at sea with no perspective of hitting the sand.

In Praise Of The Vulnerable Man

"God That's my baby, please protect him and guide him. Guide him to be the best that he can. And help him help to accomplish everything that he is destined to do and be"

"You must be safe when you fall in love
People need, the time you and I share together, compromise, try and see eye to eye, cause loves not blind, it knows when you care"

And he's cared and he's loved for. More then i love myself i shouldn't say it and it shouldn't be so, but it is.

So i say a prayer for him, for the complicated melody in him. A prayer so that he can find in his soul the peace that he need for his mind. So that he can become the man that he wants to be and the man the he already is.

Say What You Need To Say

"Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead,
If you could only . . .say what you need to say"

It cuts both way. I should just come out and say what i want and what i need from you. I shouldn't have to spell it out to you, when its right there in your face. I shouldn't have to ask for it.
But you not a mind reader. And you can't guess what's on my mind. If i don't say it to you why should you have to guess what i need and what i want. And why is it that i have to be obligated to give it to you. Shouldn't it be that if i wanted to give it, i would do it voluntarily and spontaneously without it being imposed on me?

But then again, let me say it, say what i need to say.
I need to feel that you appreciate me and what i mean to you. I need you to look at me without judgement and without pre-concept ideas. I need you to look at me and see me from the inside out. I need you to see the beauty in me regardless of what i look like from the outside. And i know i have to take care of my body as well as my soul. I know that my body is my temple and that i should respect it.

I don't want to blame you for my unhappiness, because i might feel that i have giving too much or have given more then i have received.
I'd rather set limits and recognize the boundaries of what i can give without resenting you.

No "buts". But i have always felt that setting limits and receiving where very scary things to me. I have been afraid of needing too much and ending up being rejected or judged and abandoned.

I'm trying to figure out where this idea came from that i don't deserve to be loved and unworthy of receiving more. I guess it might have been though out my life, every time i had to suppress any feelings and needs or wishes.
And so to deal with all of that i made myself believe that in order to receive what i wanted i had to give and give and give.

But i'm tired now. I tired of giving so much all the time. I want to relax and be taken care of for a while.
I have to believe that giving like i have been and loving the way that i have, does not guarantee me anything and most of all it doens't guarantee that he will love me and that he will stay.

So i'm gonna start saying what i need to say. And i'll start by remembering my needs and making the changes that i need to make. Beginning with no longer giving too much and i'll do that because i will realize what i'm worth. And i know that when i'm ready he will come out of his cave and see me.

Bag Lady

"Bag lady you gone hurt your back
Dragging all them bags like that
I guess nobody ever told you
All you must hold on to
Is you, is you..."

Erykah Badu wrote this song called "Bag Lady" a while ago about women who couldn't let go and carried all their torment and trauma and issues of past relationships with them, specially into their new relationships, and she classified it as baggage, or excess baggage.

And i started wondering how many women don't let go and carry their past dramas and let it poison their relationship.
All those bad habits and patterns and judgments raise at the sight of obstacle and stand in the way of progress and happiness.

i know i have. I've made this same mistake in every past relationship i have had. I have always given "him" the power to condition how i feel.
I have let "him" make me feel so unloved for someone so fine, so unsexy for someone so beautiful, so boring for someone so interesting and so ignorante for someone so sound of mind.

And all of those little rejections they seemed so real to me. I took them for truth and reality and i took it all so personally.

I thought that was the way to keep the love. I thought that was the only way that i could be loved. I never wanted to admit it, but i did it because i always thought i wasn't worthy of affection, i didn't deserve the love. So i took what was given to me. The whatever little that was given to me and i took it as if it was precious and rare.

But i damaged my self. I turned it into a reality and i lived by it. It made me lonely and sad and always longing for more.