Wednesday, May 4, 2011
He was- He took something from me. He took little pieces of me, little pieces over time, so small I didn't even notice, you know? He wanted me to be something I wasn't, and I made myself into what he wanted. One day I was me Ana, and then suddenly I was lying for him, lying about me, making him out to be something he wasn't. And i was jeopardizing my life, and making a deal with myself to endure this at all cost. Give up what i had to, to became something that he could love. Started to believe that i was everything that he said i was. A basket full of flaws and inperfections.
Until I was standing in front of him, slim and trim and almost a re-programmed me. There in front of him with all those appealing atribuites,but i wasnt Ana anymore. And even then, I would've stayed . I would have. I lost myself for a long time. And now that I'm finally me again, I can't. I love you. I love you more than I loved him. I love you different, i love you healthy.
But you have to understand that i still bear scares from that time. They are ingrained in me, the pop up with every obsticule that i encounter. They ride me everytime that i try to clear my mind and see what is in front of me.
I still have bad habits and condition my thoughts accordingly.