Monday, March 22, 2010

Did you pick up the call?!

your calling isnt something that somebody can tell u about. Its what u feel. Its a part of your life force, it is the thing that gives you juice-
And always take a stand for yourself. Your values. Your defined by what you stand for.
Honor your calling, dont worry about hoe sucsessfull you will be. Dont worry about it. Focus on how significant u can be in service and sucssess will take care of it self.
Our time is limited, so dont wast it living someone elses life. Dont be trapped by dogma, witch is living with the resoltus of other people's thinking.
Dont let the voice of others opinions drawned out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you trully want to became- Stay hungry.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

When your silence screams out a million words...

Taking responsability for my actions and seing my role in controlling them.
I know that the person that i have turned into is a person who over the years has based her life in disfuncional and negative and irracional beliefs. I know that its where my problem area is and where i need to start analising so that i can turn into this person that i ambition for myself.
I know that i can control my thoughts feelings and behavior. I find myself doing it. Specially if im not having any time of anxiety and i feel comfortable and in peace with me.
I've noticed that my feelings and emotions get all tangled up into a web of fear and anxiety everytime i see or feel a difference in your behavior. And i cannot for the life of me control it all the way. I say all the way, because i'm getting better at it. It use to be worse, it use to take me to deep dark places that i couldnt undertsand and didnt know how to cope with.
When these things happen, i feel myself lsing control of how i should and can behave and see me defencive mechonism get into action.
Im my may i find that a way to protect myself from being hurt by a possible action from you. A possible word that can hurt me, is to just go to my shell and wait. Try to be invisable so i wont be in the way...~
But honestly, what does that say about me?! why should i take things in such a personal manner and act like i'm a lesser human being?!
But he is...
There's the life with him and the life without him, and the life without him is much, much bigger.
Because contrary to what the cynics say, distance is not for the fearful; it's for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those who know a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough.
I embody the twin virtues of independence and imagination. I fall asleep alone,and i'll remember the scent of his neck neck, the ecstasy of seeing his face waiting for me at the aeroport which, thanks to him, is my favorite place in the whole world. After so much time apart, a suitcase itself is an aphrodisiac.
So i wish that i could let go of this fear that blocks me and turns me into an unstable person.
And im not that And that is not what defines me.
I'm wise and ambitious, and angry and free, and smart and available, and sexy...maybe.
I'm soft and appealing, and twisted and willing, and crazy...

And thought-provoking, and opinionated Cultured and funny, and experienced...
Fearless (in some ways) and tender, and sweetly innocent, uninhibited, Likes a good debate.
If only i could get this backpack of fear from my back. Im just tired of walking around with it. Enough already.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Looked at clouds that way...but now they only block sun!

Depression he told me was a consequence of symptoms we generate throughout our lives such as the need to be validated, to be accepted, guilt, and most of all fear. Fear of the things that we lost or are afraid to lose.
All these elements come together as a whole and turn you into someone different, far from who you are, far from that core of you that you are born with.
It turns you into a person that oppresses feelings, someone who preservers her thought to her and most of all is constantly with their guard up.
It may put me in a comfortable position, but it doesn’t put me at ease, nor does it make me happy... I settled a long time for this. It was easy and it was safe. It it needed no brainstorming from my behalf.
But now my spirit challenges me, leaves me restless and empty.
I think about the change-seekers. It takes courage to seek out new ways of living. At the same time, it takes courage to be yourself. Copying’s easy; it takes little to no imagination. Although we’re created equal, it’s our uniqueness that gives us something new and different to offer. This is what gives me a great desire to learn.

So as I was listening to him I felt that he had discovered my secret diary and that he was reading its pages to me, one by one, out loud and clear...
That witch I have been avoiding all my life. That witch I blocked out deliberately because I was too lazy or just not ready to deal with, was hitting me right in the head, and I felt like a ton of brick had been laid on my lad and now I had no choice but to deal with it.
It’s not that I fantasize or that I live in a dream land so that I don’t have to deal with the reality that bites.
I’m pretty conscious of what I do, how I act and what I avoid and why I do so.
That how I’ve dealt with things. Dont let them know it don’t give yourself away.
I really never thought about how it has damaged me. My life has been that way.
Tears and fears and feeling proud to say "I love you" right out loud. Fear, that fear of rejection. Fear of the word "no".
I read some works he shared with me and felt guilty and awkeward to relate to so many things written on those pages, because not only did I understand each and every word- A mirror was being put to my face, that one thing that I had been avoiding to look at for so long.
All the dodging that I have done had turned me into a damaged and vulnerable person. An insecure human being who because stripped from my capacity to make my own decisions.
The thing that was hardest to read was this quote "This approach sees satisfaction or lack of satisfying needs as the motivation for behavior. RT holds that there are five basic needs; love, survival, belonging, power, and freedom (Murdock 2009), and love is the most important of these. An individual's personality is based on the strength of these needs and the choices he makes to satisfy them"
That was me, this is me.
My need for love has always been so ingrained in me, that in the long run, turned into a price for a shallow piece of dignity. A design for live
So I let them take control and tried desperately to satisfy their needs and of course going along with the program for fear of lose, for the sake of what I classified as peace and contemptment. I took no action to alleviate my pain. I didn’t want it and thought that it was less painful to be conditioned to that type of unhealthy living then alleviating it by taking action against it.
Those where my core beliefs and they were the base and structure from witch I conducted my life and love, or compensated for the lack of it.
I was so afraid of being left alone, and losing out on the opportunity and shot at love that I structured my life in accordance with the beliefs that I thought appropriate for me. And so my behavior and my perception was based on the reality that I had created- Because to me, it was my route, my logical and unquestionable way of getting that love that I so longed for.
So that was my way of avoiding pain, danger and discomfort. So i believed.
I created an environment that was perfect for my intent. And I believed that if I had to lose my identity and put myself in a position where I was treated of felt bellow my standards I was ok with it because all I wanted was to be loved. And so I gave and gave and gave...till I gave up on my dignity my pride, myself assurance, self worth all of those things that build your character and creates your personality. Your oneness, your uniqueness. Takes away all that you have good in you which in turn transforms into something sad and painful and frustrating. When you look at yourself and when you are amounts other people you can study your behavior and see that you've turned into this bitter person that feeds themselves with hate rate and resentfulness towards anybody that they interact with. And that was me. Those were my core beliefs that were the behavior that was comprised of unrealistic belief systems. That was the reality I created for myself in search of the one thing that I most wanted. Was to be loved

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Both Sides, now...

Sometimes i feel that you are able to love everybody but me. Or worse that you love everybody but me.

Bows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere, i've looked at cloud that way.
But now they only block the sun, they rain and snow on everyone.
So many things i would have done but clouds got in my way.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions i recall.
I really don't know clouds at all.

Moons and junes and ferris wheels, the dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real; i've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show. you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know, don't give yourself away.

I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions i recall.
I really don't know love at all.

Tears and fears and feeling proud to say "i love you" right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, i've looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say
I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day.

I've looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It's life's illusions i recall.
I really don't know life at all

Saturday, March 6, 2010


I find that the harder I work the more luck I seem to have." - Thomas Jefferson

I have often heard the question, "Do you believe in luck?" I do actually, but I prefer to call it serendipity; I found this article somewhere and i found some answers to the topic:

I don't like the word "luck". First there is the immediate association to games of luck such as blackjack and poker which are often associated with gambling, casinos, and wrong living. Next there is the predominant idea that luck is for the lucky; as if there were a chosen few who can enjoy it. There is no such thing! Then there is the immediate association to families of fortune and people inheriting great fortunes with never having to work for them. These are all negative ideas! I wish to avoid those images, for images as you may know have a strong influence over our minds. When someone brings up the conversation about luck in my presence I often maneuver the conversation towards a conversation about serendipity if I can. Now that is something worth talking about.

Serendipity is an interesting idea. It is defined as the accidental discovery of something useful. Though people who are familiar with serendipity will tell you there is usually nothing accidental about it. Inventors are familiar with the idea of discovering things that were never being looked for but one idea led to another causing the delightful affect of stumbling into a new discovery. Authors, song writers, scientists, anyone who does much creating in their work have had the acquaintance of serendipity and know that there is design and providence involved.

It was the French scientist Louis Pasteur who said "in the field of observation, chance favors only the prepared mind." The simple meaning of course is that luck means being ready. This suggests to me that Louis Pasteur like many other creators are familiar with the path of serendipity. There is no luck involved! There is however a secret link if you will! The link is this: One idea leads to another. That is the simple truth taught by the greatest inventor of all time, Thomas Edison. One idea leads to another.

There is no such thing as luck. Luck is opportunity meeting preparedness. Once a person is prepared, opportunities begin to present themselves almost like magic. But it isn't magic. Those opportunities were there already in some cases, or being divinely maneuvered all the time but you did not see them. Your eye of discernment was dulled by being un- prepared.

If I may diverge a moment, the coming apocalypse that is preached about warns the chosen to have their lamps filled with oil lest they be unprepared. There will be no luck involved in the choosing of the righteous. Preparedness will guarantee a place with Him at the crucial hour.

The idea that luck, or something happening out of pure coincidence is going to happen to you or I is a lie set up by someone who wants to rob us of our strength and ability. Can you guess who that is? Their goal is to make us ill-prepared, even less than self-sufficient. Luck has kept people in the poor house. It has stripped strength away, leaving only frightful dependent people who have learned how to play the numbers but can't read or write at a high-school level.

On the other hand, the empowered are prepared. They have worked hard. They believe in continuing education. They prepare themselves for the opportunities they seek and when those opportunities present themselves they are prepared for success and they grab them.

In our quote for today, Thomas Jefferson says that the harder he works the more luck he seems to have. That is just another way of saying that preparedness is the key factor. The next part, the part when opportunity presents itself is not so magical at all. It is that link we spoke about earlier of one idea leading to another. Obviously the more ideas you have, the more ideas you will run into. I use the following exercise in my classes sometimes to illustrate the path of serendipity.

Use a shoe box or something similar for this exercise. Get a number of toy building blocks, enough to fill the box. Let us say that 12 blocks fill the shoe box. Now the only thing you have in the box when you begin is empty space. Put a block in. Now you have a block and a lot of empty space. Put another block in. Now you have two blocks and less space. Make sure you explain that there is a certain amount of space that has been taken away. Continue till the box is half filled. Now you have a box half empty and half full of blocks. Continue till you fill the box.

Now let's say that the blocks are pieces of you and the space is ideas. The more you fill the box with you, the more ideas you take until there is you- full of ideas. So the box illustrates that we should fill our life with ourselves. The more we fill it the more of it becomes us. The more we prepare ourselves, the more likely we are to see the next idea. Taking it a step at a time, one idea leads to the next idea, then the next idea until you are full. The beauty is in life, there is no filling the box; there is no end. We just keep expanding ourselves like the universe expands itself, ever growing and grabbing ideas as we go, each one leading to another.

Luck is hard work. It is preparing yourself through education and networking with the right people. Eventually you will begin to see serendipity happen in your life. That is when you will feel the empowerment that comes from living right. Remember, the harder you work the more luck you will have!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Inside of me...

Im here again with you in this place i like to call my safe haven. And im happy-
Every time i came here to you, a lil fear comes over me, a lil sight of insecurity pops up. Doubs and uncertainly. The space and time between us, what has it to to and for us.
I had some recomendations, i did!"Ana, please try, try to be yourself in front of him. Let him see you as we do. Act around him as you do with us."
And i thought about it and i wondered if all this time its been like that. I've been wearing a mask or putting on a profile that i thought would please him more. I didnt know, and i wanted to find out.
And when i saw him this one thing happened to me that always happens. Peace takes over my heart, this sense of belonging takes over me. And i said "No, i dont fake it, i dont put up a front for him. I might sometimes hold my thoughs, but i never fake it. Its me that he sees. Its just that with him its different. I can never be aroumd him how i am around my family because its not the same thing.
This person brings me peace. He brings me joy and happiness. And it relaxes me, so the bad temper and the anxiouty and the stress and all of the negative behaviores i have when im not with him, disapear with i come to him.
My intellect. My head is a magical place, and, although I’ve been terrified of it in the past, I’m starting to make peace with my brain. It’ll be a long journey, though.
But he gives me peace and he allows me to stop and look around me, and look inside of me.
I want to heap love on him and praise Sweet, sexy, funny as hell, charismatic, and im head over heels for him.
He showers me with words, words of wisdom, words that challange, words that make me think.
There is an interaction of words between us a link and an understanding that i've never experienced with anyone.
Is that the defination of love?! I think so jai Ho!