Thursday, October 21, 2010
There's no hard feelings there is no one to blame. Just two people who don't feel the same.
I didnt fight to stay because all you wanted for me to do was leave. I'm not going to miss s you when you don't miss me. I'm not gonna care when you don't care at all, I'm just not going to try at all. You kept my hopes up for much too long. It's about time they come crashing back down to earth.
Why did I do it? I guess because I was sick of you running in and out of my life without some kind of consequence. So here is your close line baby, I hope the fall hurts like hell.
I hated being put in that position. Of forcing myself to let go of the one person I needed in my life. You were the only thing that made sense, but at the same time, the one thing that complicated me. I know that I'm better off without you, but I feel empty when I tried to let go.
Want to know what it was like being in love with you? It was like taking me to the top of the highest mountain, showing me the entire world and telling me "This is everything you can't have".
Sometimes, no matter how long or hard you've loved someone, they'll never love you back. And sometimes, you have to be okay with that.
I hope you know that you were once the most important person in my life for a very long time. You were the guy I thought about while listening to all those songs, the one guy who made me actually look forward to waking up in the morning. You were the guy who could make or break me, who had my heart, but never bothered to do anything about it.
It's funny how we set qualifications for the right person to love when deep in your hearts we know that the person we truly love will always be an exception
I can't pretend anymore.
You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine.
Lightening doesn't often strike twice, it's a once in a lifetime thing. Even if it feels like the shock is coming over and over again. Eventually the pain will go away, the shock will wear off. And you start to heal yourself, to recover from something you never saw coming. But, sometimes the odds are in your favor. And you're just in the right place at just the right time and you can take a hell of a hit and still have a shot at surviving
You used to shine so bright, but I watched all of it fade.
It’s funny how you think you actually mean something to someone, and they just turn around and prove you wrong
When You grow to love someone letting them go is like losing a part of you. Whenver you must let go because it's what is best for you, you keep thinking of reasons to stick around.
If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello.
And it has, and i feel lucky because i was so afraid that i would never be able to feel what it was like to love again, but i have and it feel like sunshine in caressing my skin again.
You will always be a part of my life because i grew up with you (though sometimes it was hard) but now its time to say goodbye to you.
Monday, October 18, 2010
10 things i really need to say..
1. fuck you all for leaving me.
2. fuck you for leading me on, because i care about you more than i've ever fucking cared about another person in my life. tell me what the fuck it is you want from me because i'd give you everything.
3. fuck you for pretending like you actually ever gave a shit about me. once i stopped making an effort, you all fucking disappeared. you never cared, so you can ease up on the fake bullshit now. i don't need any of you.
4. fuck you for being nothing but a complete hypocrite. you hate being left out the one time a month that actually happens? i don't recall the last fucking time you or anyone else invited me to go anywhere when you're all together. bitches. wanna know what i do every day? work. then i come home and sit by my fucking self all night. if that ever actually happens to you, then we can talk about what lonely feels like. until then, stfu.
5. fuck you for your judgmental, ignorant attitude. i will live my life the way i choose, thanks. your opinion is not needed and sure is hell, isn't wanted.
6. fuck you for watching me slowly wither away in pain and not doing a damn thing about it.
7. fuck you for making me unable to trust anymore.
8. fuck you for never noticing me. someday i'm going to show you what you missed.
9. fuck you for making me believe that i had finally found a best friend that wasn't going to walk away when i fucking needed you the most. i'm done with this guessing game bullshit. you want me in your life, you'll put me there. if not, then i'm done. but i will always fucking love you more than life itself, and i will always be here.
10. fuck you for turning me into this self conscious mess. you treated me like shit. you verbally abused me until i was at your feet begging for mercy. fuck you for turning me into someone i never wanted to be. i don't know how to undo the damage you've done to me.
i'm really sorry this is such an angry post. but i'm breaking down, and i don't know how to fix it. i don't want to hurt anymore. i've lost everything that meant anything to me
Thursday, October 7, 2010
"I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest woman on earth. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and how you are with Spencer, "Spence," and in every single thought that you have, and how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food, and clear their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me"
* As good as it gets
Thats how Morpheus sees me and thats what he sees. He sees the beauty in me that i find hard to put a finger on. He spellbounds me with his words and his voice and his everything. I think im i love...
I dont know when he started shifting my thoughts towards him, i really dont. All i know is one day out of the blue, i woke up and for the first time HE was the one i was thinking about. And it started then and it hasnt stopped till this day.
Oh this state of ecstasy
Nothing but he could ever give to me this liberty, this feeling of the wind in my face.
And I’m giggling again for no reason
I am dancing with my friends in elation. I've taken adventures to new levels of fun
I can feel the bones are smiling in my body I can see the meltings of inhibition
This state of ecstasy I’m reeling jubilation Triumphant in delight
I am at home in this high five And I’m smiling for no reason
I could kiss a million guys and it still wouldn't mean as much as holding your hand.
So Morpheus, i dont think im in love...I KNOW IM IN LOVE AND ITS YOU!
My feelings just changed. I had been waiting for you to realize you couldn't go another day without me. I had played out every excuse you could of had for putting all that time between us. Missing you had become second nature to me. And somewhere between the pain you caused and your need to approach me again. When I never expected to hear from you I just stopped feeling like I needed you so much.
i let you go and i forgot. i forgot those late night conversations. i forgot how much i trusted you, how much i told you. i forgot how it felt to hug you. i forgot how much i talked to you, how much i talked about you. i forgot how much my writing was about you. i forgot all the songs i ended up relating to you. i forgot how, for some ridiculous reason, everything you said made me laugh. i forgot how good i felt when you were just in the room. i forgot how the chance of seeing you got me through the day. i forgot the stomach dropping feeling i got when my phone buzzed. i forgot how good i felt because of you. i forgot how i could be myself around you. i forgot being woken up early every morning by text messages. i forgot what it felt like to actually have the idea that i was good enough. i forgot how i imagined all kinds of awesome scenarios. i forgot how it felt to, maybe just maybe, want the one who wanted me back. i forgot all of your rants about your interests. i forgot all of your tastes in music. i forgot all the shows you watched. i forgot what time you'd usually text me. i forgot everything you told me that hurt me or made me happy. i forgot everything about you and you know what i came back to my memory ?! ME!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
1- i may not have ended up where i intended to go, but i think i ended up where i needed to be.
2- it's strange how memory gets twisted and pulled like taffy in its retelling, how a single event can mean something to everyone present.
3- just because people treat you like shit, just because you may feel like shit sometimes, doesn’t mean you are shit. you can make something out of your life. you can give of yourself in this world to make it a better place.
4- so today i read something psychologist said. He said that the majority of people live within a box, and that’s their entire reality. all they see is the inside of the box, and they’re ‘asleep’ to anything else. people that have suffered from some form of mental illness are ‘awake’, because they've seen reality outside the box. he said no matter how hard people try to put that person back into the box, they will never fit, because they’ve seen something beyond it all.
5- she’s the girl that believes that what comes around goes around. the one that hopes for a better day. the one that won’t give up on you. she’s the girl that’s unlike the rest. the one that spent her days smiling, and her nights crying. she’s the girl that would love to be loved. the one that looks so damn strong, but feels so weak. she’s the girl that picks herself up every time she falls.
6- even though i'm moving on, i will never forget you. all because you were my first true love. and there will come a time in my life when i will thank you for that because by you breaking my heart, it made me a little bit stronger and you made me a little bit closer to finding the one that i'm meant to spend the rest of my life with. the scary thing is; all the pain you put me through, with a snap of your fingers i'd run back so fast. so i bet you love to know you can have me at any moment if you want.
7- don't come back to me, asking for a chance.I wont, i gave you far too many, you were just too blinded by your deamons to see it. so when i finally find someone who i could possibly fall in love with, don't come by saying i never gave you a chance. i gave you one, a big one. i was in love with you for so long. i waited, but i'm done waiting.
8- you don't like me? i don't care. you think i'm stubrn & stuck up? well, that's your opinion. you think I could lose some pounds? well, i will tell you right now that you are nothing close to perfect. the point is, what people think does not matter one single bit. just love yourself because in reality you can't love anyone else if you don't love yourself.
9- reach for the stars, stand on your tiptoes, and never tell yourself no. you, yes you, can achieve anything. it may take months, it may take years, but when you finally have a firm grasp on a star, the reward is breathtaking.
10- before you can grow up, you must fall in love three times. once, you must fall in love with your best friend, ruining your friendship forever. this will teach you who your true friends are, and the fine line between friendship and more. once you must fall in love with someone you believe is perfect. you will learn that no one is perfect, and that you should never be treated as anything less than you deserve. and once, you must fall in love with someone that is exactly like you. this will teach you about who you are, and who you want to be. and when you're through with all that, you learn that the people who care about you the most are the ones that you hurt, and the ones that hurt you are the ones that needed you the most. but most of all, you learn that love is only a concept and is not something that can be defined, it is different to each and every person on this earth, knowing that everyone only wants to be loved.
11- i don't need a rose, i want a daisy you'll picked for my hair. i don't want a box of fancy chocolates, i want a burnt cookie you'll made just for me. i don't want to go to some upscale restaurant, let's just have a picnic in the park. we don't have to go to a club, we can just dance on my front porch until we're tired.
12- when i like a person, i actually like them. it's not one of those three day crush type things. it's a hardcore, can't get them off my mind thing. and that's why i haven't liked all that many people. but eventually i get over them when i find someone new. but with him, no matter who i find, i can't erase him. he's going to be the one i'll always like.
13- i hope you know that you were once the most important person in my life, for a very long time. you were the guy i thought about while listening to all those songs, the one guy who made me actually look forward to waking up in the morning. you were the guy who could make or break me. who had my heart, but never bothered to do anything about it.
14- it's funny how you can be face to face with someone and yet it feels as though you're on the other side of the world from them. they haven't actually gone anywhere, but they might as well have. it's one of the worst feelings to become acquainted with: to miss someone who's literally right there.
15- too often we're scared. scared of what we might not be able to do. scared of what people might think if we tried. we let our fears stand in the way of our hopes. we say no when we want to say yes. we sit quietly when we want to scream and we shout when we should keep our mouths shut. why? after all, we do only go around once, there's really no time to be afraid. Just do it.
16- he didnt really do anything wrong to me. i mean yes i liked him more than he obviously liked me, but the only thing he is truly guilty of is teasing me. it's the cute texts, the long hugs, the way he makes me feel. all he's guilty of is making me insanely happy and then taking that away by dating other girls and never wanting to truly be with me. i can't even blame him for it. it's my fault for falling so damn easily.
17- she's deeper than you think she is. she has secrets of her own, little secrets no one must know, but all you see is the outer image, the genuine smile and funky flip flops. she smiles because that's who she is, but there is pain, and hurt, you just can't see it. you see what she wants you to see, you'll never know the truth. she's scared that you will judge her, but even if you don't make a sound, you won't ever see the things that bring her down.
18- i don't think you're leaving. i think you're running. and what i can't figure out is, are you running towards something you want? or are you running away from something you're afraid to want?
19- you only find a few people in this world, a few people who will tell you they love you and actually mean it with all their heart. don't forget those people who stood by you through it all, the special few that were there for you until the very end.
20- strength is nothing more than how well you hide the pain.
1- people too weak to follow their own dreams will always find a way to discourage yours.
2- i know that there are days when you feel that your heart is broken again. do you know why? because instead of walking forward, you hurt yourself by looking back.
3- this year, do what makes your happy and forget about the things that may stand in the way of that feeling. let go of the pain that was caused by trying to find love and this year, let love find you. you have 365 days to make it wonderful.
4- missing someone gets easier everyday because even though you are one day further from the last time you saw them, you are one day closer to the next time you will.
5- distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. it's for the ones that are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. it's for those knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough.
6- someday, everything will come together. but until then, live it up; do what makes you happy. if someone doesn't agree, then screw them. pick yourself up and deal when shit happens. remember that mistakes only make us stronger, everything happens for a reason, the only regrets you will have in life are the risks that you didn't take, and well-behaved women rarely make history. above all else, go with your gut and guard your heart.
7- imagine a world with endless dreams, dreamt with all eyes open. a world filled with sunshine beams and words for the deaf spoken. imagine a world in color and the black and white will soon go. a world where we can love each other and where every star can glow.
8- buy a blank notebook. draw a huge heart on the cover. don't write anything negative in here. if you need another outlet, make a separate notebook. this one is all about love, personal growth and getting back up. fill it with beautiful images, reaffirming thoughts and quotes. write in it every day and each day write one thing you are grateful for in your life.
9- here's to the nights when the grass is your seat, the heat from the fire kisses your feet, your friends out-number the stars, and even the chilliest of nights, are still warmer than the cold one in your hand.
10- you're a book written in ten different languages. all of them beautiful. none of them i understand.
11- so, please, just be patient. i'm so afraid to care about someone. i know it seems like i'm this strong girl who can get through anything, but inside i'm very fragile. i've had so many things thrown at me, and each one has only made a crack. what i'm afraid of is shattering.
12- the best moments in reading are when you come across something, a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things that you'd thought special, particular to you. and here it is, set down by someone else, a person you've never met, maybe even someone long dead. and it's as if a hand has come out and taken yours.
13- i want to draw something that means something to someone. you know, i want to draw blind faith or a fading summer or just a moment of clarity. it's like when you go and see a really great band live for the first time, and nobody's saying it but everyone's thinking it: we have something to believe in again. i want to draw that feeling but i can't. and if i can't be great at it then i don't want to ruin it. it's too important to me.
13- in life, we do things. some, we wish we had never done, and some we wish we could replay a million times, but they made us who we are, and in the end they shape and detail us. if we were to reserve them, we wouldn't be the person we are today so just live. make mistakes and have wonderful memories. but never for a second forget who you are, where you've been, and most importantly, where you're going.
14- sometimes when things are out of wack, it freaks us out a little and makes us feel like we're losing something thats really important, and that scares us even more, so we try really hard to hold on to whatever it is we think we're losing and sometimes, we hold on a little too hard.
15- sometimes you think you've gotten over a person, but when you see him smile you suddenly realize, you're just pretending you're over him to ease the pain of knowing that he will never be yours.
16- it's a traffic jam when you're already late. it's a no smoking sign on your cigarette break. it's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife. it's meeting the man of my dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife. and isn't it ironic? don't you think it's a little too ironic?
17- an apology doesn't make things right. if anything, it just helps you sleep better at night. i know you meant well, but words will never change a thing. you're so selfish, you wouldn't even let me in on the coldest of nights.
18- i wish my mom told me the same thing about boys as she did scary movies, "don't worry honey, they're all fake." i wanted a perfect ending. now i've learned the hard way that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, or end. life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's to happen next. life flies by so you have to embrace it, forget the past cause you can't erase it.
19- you're not special to me anymore. i'm used to this now. i've been hurt before. so leave me alone like you've always done, because you've hurt me too much to be the right one.
20- the worst way to miss somebody is to be sitting right next to them knowing you can't have them.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
The tough thing about following your heart is what people forget to mention, that sometimes your heart takes you places you shouldn't be, places that are as scary as they are exciting and as dangerous as they are alluring and sometimes your heart takes you to places that can never lead to a happy ending. and that's not even the difficult part. the difficult part is when you follow your heart, you leave normal, and you go into the unknown. and once you do, you can never go back.
When I woke up this morning, I couldn’t get out of bed.I was laying there, and I thought to myself how comfortable it was. It was silent, no one was around, and I felt so good laying under the blankets that were wrapped around me. At that moment, I realized I could lay in bed for all hours of the day, not talking to one person, living in my thoughts, and not doing anything with myself, and it wouldn’t bother me. All I would need is a paper and a pen. I wouldn’t go insane like most people would. I wouldn’t feel content, but I wouldn’t feel sad either, I would feel comfort and calm. I find that to be absolutely saddening.
They say that when people first lose a limb, they can still feel it. It still hurts, they still try to use it. They call it having a "Phantom Limb" I think that this is what losing a person is like. You beckon them over to "come see this!", you come home at the end of the day to tell them about how much you hate going to work, you pick up the phone to call them when you're happy, sad, mad, or somewhere in between. Until you realize that they're not there. And each time you realize it, it hurts just as bad as it did the first time, all over again. Only an arm, I could lose. It's the people I care about the most that I can't live without
Letting go is hard, but it's better to let go than to hold on to something that was never meant to be. so hold your head high, gorgeous, and stay strong because once you let go, better things are going to come along.
1. The truth of the matter is that what's done is done, no excuses are necessary. You can't go back and change anything, so there's no point in being stuck in the past. Excuses never work; you're only lying to yourself and lying to yourself never helps anything. Eventually all the lies and the excuses and the alibis fall away, and you're left here, stripped, with the truth before your very eyes, whether you're ready to accept it or not.
2.If you really knew me... you would know that I don't usually cry because things are sad.I dont usually cry period.
I could cry because things are beautiful. I could cry because such beauty is
possible and it's overwhelming. I could even cry because I don't see it every
day, and I should. I want to be a part of that beauty; I want to
inspire someone to tears with my own brand of beauty. With other
people, I think this is possible. If we all contributed, if we all add
a little hope and faith and love into the world with our acts, maybe
we can help someone else see the beauty in life, too. Because our
actions are powerful and positive actions are power at it's purest point.
3. life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
4. truth only means something when it's hard to admit! don't you get that?
5. When people can walk away from you, let them walk. Don't try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, caring for you, or staying attached to you. When people can walk away, let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.
6. You don’t let people in. It’s hard for you and once you do you don’t want to let them go and when they fuck up you’re like “Why did you do that to me? I gave you my feelings. I did everything for you, and you screwed me over.”
7. So quit your crying and wipe the tears from your eyes, cause this is see you later, I'm not into goodbyes.
8.i remember you looking at me, wondering why i wanted you unhappy.
and it wasn't even that, i just didn't want you happy without me. But that doesnt matter now.
9. I looked back on us today, and I honestly don’t know why I missed you, and why I wanted you back. Sure, at the beginning we had all these dreams rushing into things we had no idea what about, but slowly, instead of trusting you more, I trusted you less, and the more I loved you, the less I loved myself. But now I’m free, and I’m not sorry. I had to get out. I knew it was over long before you said it. And I thought you broke my heart, but you merely made it stronger, made it resilient. Of course I’ll never forget you, but there’s no way I’m ever going back. So goodbye, my first love. Thank you for being such a fabulous waste of time.
10. So, he told you he would never leave you right? He also told you how you were the best thing in his life. Then what happened? one day he got up and walked away.
11. The problem with time, I've learned, whether it's those first two weeks I got to spend with you, or the final two months I got to spend with him, eventually time always runs out. I have no idea where you are out there in the world. But I understand that I lost the right to know these things long ago. No matter how many years go by, I know one thing to be as true as ever was - You and i weren't meant to be. I was in love with the idea of you and you loved the comfort i brought to your life.
12. Right now, at this very moment, all I want to do is sit across from from someone and talk about life. And when we run out of topics, we could just hold hands because that would be enough. Not someone who is not here so i cant can't talk face to face because miles separate us. Well, I can smell the flowers you send, or look at pictures from before, but I can't wrap my arms around a moment in time. So, I sit and think of what will happen to me and what will i do when I finally see you him. All I really want to do is enjoy each other's company and maybe watch a movie or two about falling in love and growing old together. And maybe you and I could fall in love and grow old together, too.
13.It's possible to go on, no matter how impossible it seems, and that in time, the grief... lessens. It may not go away completely, but after a while it's not so overwhelming
14.Here's to the shit we talk, the boys we stalk, the laughs we can't stop. The gossip we spill and the looks that could kill. We'll stay together, all through the years… best friends forever
15.sometimes you have to be apart from the people you love, but that doesn't make you love them any less. sometimes it makes you love them more.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
i'm always completely enraptured/enamoured/enthralled/entranced (pick whichever you'd like) by the self-absorbed ones. i'm not entirely sure if that is due to the fact that i enjoy the uncertainty of it all--what is he thinking? is he that into me?-- or if it has something to do with me being a masochist. or some combination of the two.
do you follow?
don't get me wrong, when i say "self-absorbed", i don't necessarily mean it in the narcissistic, superficial way. i mean it in the "my career is my life and i love that, so i am not and will not always be available to you... actually, i will rarely be available to you, so gear yourself up for certain disappointment and for operation on my terms" kind of way.
so why bother, right?
well... why not?
if you've been reading me for at least 10 seconds, then you must know that i'm a girl who loves every moment of my freedom. limitations, guidelines, and deadlines aren't exactly my thing. so i guess that as much as it tortures me to not know where i stand in the blue planet, or to stare at my phone 7x a day willing it to ring... i guess i have to take the good with the bad?
i never liked the sad look from someone who wants to be loved by you. so i'll just have to deal with the incredibly frustrating yet incredibly intoxicating, chronically unavailable guy.
besides, i love the way his beard tickles my face when he kisses me.
and yes, that is pertinent information.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Remember today, for it is the beginning of always. Today marks the start of a brave new future filled with all your dreams can hold. Think truly to the future and make those dreams come true.
Fool! Don't you see now that I could have poisoned you a hundred times had I been able to live without you. --Cleopatra
A hug is the perfect gift; one size fits all, and nobody minds if you exchange it.
Love bravely, live bravely, be courageous, there's really nothing to lose.
Music is what feelings sound like.
Love is like wildflowers; It's often found in the most unlikely places.
We should be taught not to wait for inspiration to start a thing. Action always generates inspiration. Inspiration seldom generates action.
People would say "I'm single.", but well, to me, that sounds rather mean. It sounds like they were trying to say "I'm alone." or "I have nobody to love." That's not true because I have my friends, I have my family, I have my music. I would rather say "I'm free." It sounds better.
Life is truly known only to those who suffer, lose, endure adversity and stumble from defeat to defeat.
Take responsibility for yourself because no one's going to take responsibility for you
This goes out to all of the people who have been broken, but have been strong enough to let go. For the people who have hurt so badly that they felt they could never love again, but kept their head up. For those who feel like going back to their old lover would put all the pieces back where they belong and everything would fit, but accept the cold hard truth instead. For the people that learn from their mistakes and never stop moving forward, even when they take two steps back. For the people that wish loneliness wasn't part of them, but put up with it anyhow. For the people that are okay with taking up all of the room in the bed, even if sometimes it feels a little empty. For the people who wake up in the morning with no missed calls, but smile anyway. For the people that periodically miss the past, but are so much more excited for the future. For the people that have wounds still healing. For the people that have so much tied to their past relationship, but break those chains to start fresh. For the people that want to look back so badly, but focus on the road ahead. For the people that pick up the phone so tempted to call, but keep their dignity in tact instead. For the people that never wanted to let go, but had to. For the people that still believe in love, even after all of the hurt their heart has endured. For all the people that gave up not because they were weak, but because most times it's better just to let go. We'll all get our happy ending someday.
You ask why I haven't talked to you. Well maybe it's because you slowly pushed me out of your life. I'm glad you're finally noticing
“Search for yourself, by yourself. Do not allow others to make your path for you. It is your road, and yours alone. Others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you”
Unknown Native American
I love this quote because there are great lessons embedded within it. Notice that the beginning says “Search for yourself” Many people are seekers, they are looking for answers from external sources believing that someone else must have the answers they seek. Much like the old country song says, “I was searching for love in all the wrong places…” many people tend to seek via the external all the while when what they truly seek is themselves. Within us we have all we will ever need. Yes, external sources are valuable, they may act as a catalyst for self discovery however it is a futile effort to chase after answers external to our self.
The second part of this quote, “Do not allow others to make your path for you. It is your road and yours alone” is a great lesson and compliments the first part. To me this is again saying that that which we seek is within us and the inward journey is a journey of solitude and that rather than follow the paths that others blazed we have be courageous and blaze our own path. If we try to follow the path of another we are doomed to not be our authentic self," live a life which is not aligned and thus suffer as a result."
The final part of this wise quote, “Others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you” is very important. This says to me that we are social and that it's good to have companionship and love of others as we travel our path, however it is still our path. It also clearly states that we each must walk our own path, blaze our own trail and seek our own truth. No one can walk our path for us. Some may try, however only we can walk our own path. Even a person with all the money in the world cannot pay someone to walk their path for them. The path we seek and the path we discover and walk is the great equalizer. Be you a person of great material wealth or a beggar on the street you must still own and walk your own path.
Monday, August 30, 2010
To those of you who have pushed me - thank you. Without you, I wouldn't have fallen. To those of you who have laughed at me - thank you. Without you, I wouldn't have cried. To those of you who just couldn't love me - thank you. Without you, I wouldn't know what real love is. To those of you who hurt my feelings - thank you. Without you, I wouldn't have felt them. To those of you who left me lonely - thank you. Without you, I wouldn't have discovered myself. But, it is to you I thank the most, because without you, I never would have tried.
I should hate him for the ways he's treated me. Except that I don't. I wish I did. I wish I could. Maybe that's what real love is; not hating someone when you have every reason to
Well, I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did. And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did and I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did. And you didn't mean to hurt me, but you did.
We run back to each other when it's convenient. We know that in the end, we're meant for each other but not for right now. So we play these games, act like we're okay when one of us has someone else. When in reality it tears us apart to know that we can be happy with someone else. But it's that slight hope that we will end up together that always keeps us running back for more.
Friday, August 27, 2010
I couldn't stay away.I tried.I tried so hard but he broke heart
Every morning my thought goes to him, and he stays in her dreams when the world gathered its blanket of darkness.
"I've made him something near perfect," i told myself. "But dreams settle a body down better than nightmares
And I guess that's when I finally understood. I'd been part of his life, a past i wanted to forget. And now... there's nothing to do... but go. Only I didn't. I couldn't. There are things in life that matter, things in the past which can't be denied. he was part of me, and I was part of him. And no matter what, for as long as we live... I know I can never let him go
And i want him to know this without me having to say it. I've said and done so much!
i want him to know that different or weird, she's unique; she's special. Don't take that for granted, because it was that special something that caught your eye in first place.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
I'm so disapointed in myself for still having feelings for you - after everything. Even knowing the differences between us doesn't stop me from wanting to be with you. I know i confused you when i said i didn't want to ever hear from you but you have to understand, I dont know how to be a part of your life as a "friend". you don't believe in the things that are important to and define me.. But that doesn't change the way you make me feel. and thats the scary part. its scary because we come from totally different worlds and there would be a day when those two worlds would collide, and they did. I mean, i was so willing to give myself away to you completely and i don't think i ever understand that you not like like me or you were not as willing. You wanted things from me that i didnt how to give. and in a moment of strength, you were able to walk away before i could seriously get hurt. But if you hadn't put a stop on it, i know i would never want to say no and i'm not going to give myself the chance to let that happen. i'm young and i don't trust myself to say no.. especially in those moments when we were so close and you werent afraid to give yourself to me, for just a lil bit and holding me. Of course, i want it to end.
so thats why i did what i did. i'm praying for you because i want you to find God so badly. then everything would be perfect. it wouldn't change everything right away; that takes time. but there would be some safe ground, you know? common values. thats key for me Nate. i'm sorry it has to be so complicated. i wanted do much to understand you better.. all the love aside that i felt for you, i think we could actually have had something unique and long lasting, but we where not on the same level of though or state of mind and i cant blame you for that. i think i can be strong enough to be a friend for for you one day. But dont ask that from me now. i'll try.But not just yet. I still can get over the fact that you just gave up on me.
Life without you is a living nighmare...i miss my love, i miss my best friend i miss my parter i miss that one person that i could share my everything with. And you cant just put that to the side and hope it dissapears by it self. It doesnt get to happen that way...
Monday, July 26, 2010
If being sane is thinking there's something wrong with being different....I'd rather be completely fucking mental.
When I get logical, and I don't trust my instincts - that's when I get in trouble.
If I didn't have my writting as an outlet for all the different sides of me, I would probably be locked up.
And barefoot or first thing in the morning, I feel beautiful. Because I feel like me. I didn't always feel that way, but I feel that way now. When somebody just loves you, and when you make somebody happy, when your presence seems to make them happy, you suddenly feel like the most beautiful person in the world.
I've been reckless, but I'm not a rebel without a cause.
I think all women go through periods where we hate this about ourselves, we don't like that. It's great to get to a place where you dismiss anything you're worried about. I find flaws attractive. I find scars attractive.
I like someone who is a little crazy but coming from a good place. I think scars are sexy because it means you made a mistake that led to a mess.
Where ever I am I always find myself looking out the window wishing I was somewhere else.
People say that you're going the wrong way when it's simply a way of your own.
Without pain, there would be no suffering, without suffering we would never learn from our mistakes. To make it right, pain and suffering is the key to all windows, without it, there is no way of life.
I'm extremely honest, and I pride myself on it. I don't try to be shocking. I'm playful, and I know when something I'm saying is maybe shocking, but it's just the truth, I never wanted to be scary to people or upsetting to people. I simply want to live the way I need to live.
If I make a fool of myself, who cares? I'm not frightened by anyone's perception of me.
What nourishes me also destroys me.
I don't believe in guilt, I believe in living on impulse as long as you never intentionally hurt another person, and don't judge people in your life. I think you should live completely free.
If you ask people what they've always wanted to do, most people haven't done it. That breaks my heart.
I love to put on lotion. Sometimes I'll watch TV and go into a lotion trance for an hour. I try to find brands that don't taste bad in case anyone wants to taste me.
I wish I could find people who just would fight me and break through to me and hold me down and scream their life into my face.
We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly... Only after we have lost everything, are we free to do anything... Throw things out there and not be perfect and not have answers to anything and see if people understand.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
And even if we never talk again, please remember that I'm forever changed by who you are and what you meant to me.
I'm scared to move on because I'm worried that the second I'm happy with someone else, you'll pop up and ruin it. Ruin it by telling me that you want me, and that you're sorry, and that you like me "kinda a lot," and that you miss me "kinda a lot." I'm worried that I'll get so confused because I'll be so happy with him, but of course I'll still want you, and that will make me start crying all the time, end up losing the best relationship I ever had, just to have you get bored again and move onto some trashy girl. The worst part about all of this? I can see you doing it, because you want me hooked, you want me as an option, even if it is an option you'll never take.
As I sit here looking at this picture of us, I wonder if there will ever
be a day when I will get over your smile. When I will let go of the hugs you gave me, a day that I continue to feel.
A day when I forget the words you said to me. Whatever happens to us, I know I could never get over, let go of, or forget about you.
I remember how tight i used to hold onto him, because i didnt know how long i was going to have him in my arms.
I'm sorry, alright? I'm sorry if I can't get over you at all, no matter how hard I've tried. (well actually i really havent tried. I've blocked you out)
I'm sorry if I just think that liking some other guy will help, when I know it won't. I'm sorry I still try. I'm sorry I'm hurt. I'm sorry I'm broken.
Something in me, just won't let me get over you. I'm so far from it too. there's that big part of my heart sectioned off for you. You have it and it feels like you always will.
I know in the back of my mind that life would be so much easier if I never talk to you again. If I shut you out of my life and moved on, I could finally get over you. But you're the only thing that makes me happy, whether it's right or wrong and I don't have the strength to give up on that.
What do i wanna say?! want do i want my words to say to you? What would my letter be like?!
I picked the person who caused me the most pain to be you. I don't hate you.. as a matter of fact, it's quite the opposite. I love you with all my heart, even though you broke it. I love how most of these letters are going to be for you, when I hope that I look back when I'm done with these and realize how pathetic I'm being.
I want to be over you. Why? Why would I want to love someone who won't give me the time of day anymore? Sure, we're we could still keep in touch as friends, but i just cant do that with you. I've put away all your pictures and deleted all your messeges from my phone. I want to say I'm done. I really do. I want to delete you off those things and when you notice I did, I want you to ask my sisters why. Just so they could say this,
"she blocked you because, if it's not obvious enough, or if your just way too fucking stupid to realize, she's not over you yet. she wants to be so that's what she's gonna have to do. because you don't care for her anymore and she's trying to accept that. she loves you and she doesn't want too."
And today is a bad day...
Thursday, July 22, 2010
What's worse than wanting something you can't have?
It's not knowing what you want. Wishing on all the stars
in the sky for the answers to your questions, for something
to believe in... someone to hold. Having absolutely no
control over yourself, being caught up in a place you wish
you were miles away from. Being stuck somewhere between
the past and the future, nowhere near where you should
be - in the present. Stuck in yesterdays and tomorrows,
so far from home, far from everything you know and love.
The uncertainty could just tear you to bits
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Now i know i feel this way today...its been two months.
I wish you would just show up on my doorstep. Not with anything special, just you. And when I’d open the door, you’d smile. And while I'm trying to figure out what the hell you’re doing here, you’d tell me how hard the past months have been, how much you’ve thought about me, how much you regretted everything. And then you’d take me into your arms and ask me to forgive you, and I would without hesitation. Then you’d grab my face and kiss me the way you used to,
and everything would be perfect again.A dream of course...
We don't talk anymore. I just can't do it. I wouldn't the sound of your voice. It's like you gave me wings then told me it's illegal to fly.
And Moving on is a violent process. It means breaking up, burning a bridge between the two of you, andshattering a world you once knew so well.
There were times when he caught me, but more times when he let me fall. And it finally came time for me to learn that I could pick myself up off the ground and walk away.
Am I mad? After all we've been through, that's all you've to say? Mad for what? For breaking my heart, for shattering my dreams, for making me think you actually liked me too, Am i mad? Nope, just completely crushed and broken. I can't be mad at you.
And you've always been so good at moving forward that i know you wont notice what you're leaving behind.
And my mind just keeps on sending me thses annoying messeges constantly "If he acts like you're not worth his time maybe you're not what he wants.. you're just a replacement for what he can't have.
When I look around I think this is good enough and I try to laugh at whatever life brings because when I look down, I just miss all the good stuff and when I look up, I just trip over things.
Sometime i feel I like was only there when it was convenient for him. Like i was the gas station sitting there waiting to be visited. There were days when i hated him, and there were days when i was head over heels, too. But none of those days
mattered, because i could never have him no matter how hard i fell.
A broken heart is not what I wanted from this. But I guess I've learned from it(have i?!). But aren't you supposed to learn from your mistakes? I don't consider this a mistake. I just wish the story didn't end this way. Cause I'm still in love with
the person who helped me write it
And in some way, I recognize that I will never be fully over you, and that part of me will always love you. But most of me understands that this doesn't work, and I need to move on to be happy.
this is for the girls that quit believing in love all because of one boy who tore their heart in half. this is for the girls who are afraid togive their hearts out; for some day you will find a boy worth giving it to.
she's afraid that after all this waiting, he'll end up with another girl. she's afraid of what hasn't happened yet. and most of all, she's afraid she'll never find someone who could compare to him.
You only find a few people in this world, a few people who will tell you they love you and mean it with all of their heart.Ddon't forget those people who stood by you through it all. Those special few that were there for you until the end.
Because words and hearts are the two things that should be handled with care cause if words are spoken and hearts are broken, they are the hardest things to repair.
And what scaresher the most is knowing that at any moment, you could rip her heart
out of her chest, tear it in pieces, throw it on the ground, then stomp all over it.. and she'd just pick it up, and hand it back to you.
she's one of those girls who doesn't know what she's doing, but she wants to know everything will
be worth it one day. she isn't amazing at one thing, just good at a lot of things, and that's all she'll ever be.
she wishes she could be different, but she lives her life to the fullest anyway. all she truly needs is love
to keep her sane. she looks at her world like it's a book, with pages being read everyday. she's
her own worst enemy and hardest critic. she knows she has flaws and tries to accept them, even
though she knows she never fully will. more than anything, though, she just wants to make a difference one day, and she wants someone
to remember her name.
Monday, July 19, 2010
love is almost like suicide. You give so much to that special someone.. that you
sometimes end up killing yourself inside.
And I'm tired of people saying he's not worth my tears. if he wasn't worth it, i wouldn't still be crying. you don't know it, but that boy changed my world. you'll never know how much he meant to me.
no one will ever really understand how the smile on her face turned into the tears
in her eyes. she said she was just upset,but she'll get over him soon. but no, she
knew it was because the one person she trusted, the one she gave her heart to,broke her. broke her into a million pieces, and now the most important one is missing.
What if i said that you never mattered? that i never lost one moment of sleep?
what if i crushed all your dreams? broke all the promises i swore to keep?
tell me how your life would be if i did to you what you did to me? You gav up on me. You stoped believing in me. You didnt think that i fit the standarts for your new desigh for life.
And i keep thinking about her and wha she meant to you and i start feeling my insignificance when compared to her...and yeah, i'm always on your mind,but only when she's off it. so maybe you think of me when times get rough.and when you're feeling extra lonely for some girls touch, but that's not enough.
And i i want you to look at me like you've never looked at anyone else. i want you
to look at me like i have something other girls don't.
I know im still in denial even tough i say i'm not in denial, i'm trying hard to let go. This is a mistake i'm just going to have to learn from. this situation had a lot morebad than good, and maybe i loved you more than i should.
So girl, holding on to the phone, holding on to this glass. holding on to the memoriesof what didn't last. waiting for better words, they'll never come. so dry
your eyes, it's better now it's done...
But the worst feeling isn't being lonely, but being forgotten by someone you couldnever forget. to look back and see how things used to be, knowing it'll never be
the same and realizing it doesn't matter to him at all because he doesn't miss a
thing. that's the worst feeling-
So this is a cross road.
I believe the most difficult situation you can ever be faced with is deciding
whether you should just move on or hold on a little tighter. move on and maybe you'll lose a chance at the best thing that could ever happened, or hold on and have the possibility of one day being the biggest disaster created-
Sunday, July 18, 2010
This is what "i don't love you" feels like.
leaving someone behind means you only want the best for him, even if it means
swallowing the sad reality that the best just isn't you.
i wanted to make you proud, i wanted to see you smile. but it wasn't good enough.
and i want you to know, that i have loved you most and it breaks my heart to see you go.
i'm not going to stay here waiting for you to come back to me. i'm not planning on being here when you needme or when it is your time. friendship is not a one way traffic you know. But you know i dont mean it!
the one thing i hate most is saying goodbye. it's never been easy for me. i mean, how do you approach the concept of goodbye? goodbyes are all different. some are for a day, some are for a month. but others are forever. and the concept of forever is hard to accept. it's like hey, i'm never going to see you again, goodbye. it doesn't feel complete. but i think that's what goodbyes are. they're incomplete and you
honestly don't know how long the goodbye will last. it's a part of life.
it's amazing how much somebody can break your heart and still you love them with every broken piece of it.
But after all that's said and done, i still do think
you're amazing, i still cherish every moment i ever spent with you and every smile you brought to my face. i'll forever be thankful that someone like you was brought into my life, even if it had to be taken away too soon,see you were my miracle, you were my fairy tale i got to live.
And the worst feeling isn't being lonely, but being forgotten by someone you could
never forget. to look back and see how things used to be, knowing it'll never be
the same and realizing it doesn't matter to him at all because he doesn't miss a
thing. that's the worst feeling
You know people who really know you, i mean that kind of knowing that comes from the inside out. Even if they havent seen you in a long time, if you're going through something in your life they can see right through it.
I saw a very special person the other day. A person that once was a very important part of my life, a person that has known me since i was very young. Well this person look at me and said " I see so much sadness in your eyes. Please take care of yourself"
And he's not the first to say it. Even random people have told me that. My sister (a person who also knows me from inside out) Told me that she didnt know that this break up with have such an impact on me.
Its hard for people who dont about the kind of a relatonship we had to undertsand the dept of it and why its taken a toll on me. He did eat my heart.
what happened to us? you know? i don't know who i am anymore, or how i got here. i misswho i used to be. i wanna have a home again, you know? the "home" i had with him.. the kind of friend-ship and diologue we had. i miss that, and i miss
him. i guess i just miss all of it. does any of that make any sense?
A broken heart is not what I wanted from this. But I guess
I've learned from it. But aren't you supposed to learn from your mistakes? I don't consider this a mistake. I just wish the story didn't end this way. Cause I'm still in love with the person who helped me write it.
I've gone past the anger the "you called me to say you wanted out. well, i
can't say i blame you now. sometimes you've got to fold before you're found out. well thanks for waiting this long to show yourself. because now that i can see you, i don't think you're worth a second glance." To "if i could be an angel, i'd make yourevery wish come true. but i'm only human, just the girl who's loving you." To "one day, you will miss me like hell.and you'll wish you never fucked it up. And one day you'll come running back to what could've been yours -should've been yours. and you'll see that this time around i'm the one not giving a damn and ignoring you.
Its a roller coaster of emotions still.
I know he's decition is finally and that he's letting go. I should do the same...
to let go isn't to forget, not to think about, or ignore.It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret.
Letting go isn't about winning or losing. it's not about pride and it's not about how you appear, and it's notobsessing or dwelling on the past. letting go isn't
blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn't leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. it's not about giving in or giving up. letting go isn't about loss and it's not about defeat. To let go is to cherish the memories, but to overcome and move on. it is having an open mind and confidence in the future. letting go is learning and experiencing and growing. to let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. it's about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain. letting go is having the courage to
accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. it is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. to let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and set yourself free.
Im not ready to let go. I still hope.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
People don't know how to love. They bite rather than kiss. They slap rather than stroke. Maybe it's because they recognize how easy it is for love to go bad, to become suddenly impossible... unworkable, an exercise of futility. So they avoid it and seek solace in angst, and fear, and aggression, which are always there ...and readily available. Or maybe sometimes... they just don't have all the facts.
Anger and resentment can stop you in your tracks. That's what I know now. It needs nothing to burn but the air and the life that it swallows and smothers. It's real, though - the fury, even when it isn't. It can change you... turn you... mold you and shape you into something you're not. The only upside to anger, then...
is the person you become. Hopefully someone that wakes up one day and realizes they're not afraid to take the journey, someone that knows that the truth is, at best, a partially told story. That anger, like growth, comes in spurts and fits, and in its wake, leaves a new chance at acceptance, and the promise of calm. Then again, what do I know?
I'm just a girl with a damaged heart...It's not the kind of thing that ever heals. Well Yeah, it does. It heals. It just heals funny. You know, you more or less walk... with a limp.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
A friend calls me and tells me about a new relationship she is in and she excited as can be, tells me that “He is the one!” and “He is perfect for me!” and then proceeds to list all of the positive things of this new found love which perfectly blends in with her personal attributes.
I'ts not unusual to have thses kind conversations between women, well not just women. People are out there looking for the perfect person for their selves and falling in love. Are we really finding the perfect person for us? The answer is a big NO! We're not finding the perfect person because the perfect person for us does not exist at least not in the purest definition of “the perfect person”. What happens is what Sam Keen (Philosopher and Spiritual mentor) so eloquently explains in a quote i read the other day :
Sam Keen is correct; "it is not that we find the perfect person for us rather we learn to see the imperfect person perfectly!" Some call this the “rose colored glasses” phase of a relationship. where at the beginning we seem unable to see attributes of the other person that we might otherwise regard as faults or traits which dont bother us and would normally irritate us.
It's often true, when we are in the first phase of “falling in love” we often do put on the blinders and we do dismiss some aspects of the other person which could be red flags that in the long term could indicate the relationship could have problems. Often times the lil things that we find adorable in the beginning of a relationship are the very same things that drive us nuts in the latter part of the relationship.
When the relationship shifts from “Isn’t that cute” to “if he does that one more time I swear I am going to smack his head on the wall!” it is time for us to step back and take a look at what has happened. What we will find is that we have shifted from seeing the imperfect person perfectly to simply and only seeing the imperfect person and this is what is often the beginning of the end of a relationship.
Ithink that, once we get to the phase of relationship to where all we see are the imperfections of the other person there are often other factors that are contributing to our perspective. It is important for us to take a deep dive and to examine what is going on because sometimes it is just a matter of our perspective and by shifting our perspective we often find that we can re-learn to see the imperfect person perfectly again. When we re-learn to see the perfection of the imperfection of a person we open the doors to falling in love with that person again.
On a larger scale when we learn to see the perfection of the imperfection of all people we find that it is easier to love and be compassionate with everyone. On a very intimate scale, when we learn to see the perfection in our own imperfection we learn to love ourselves on a much deeper level and of course when we love ourselves and all of our imperfections we allow what we need for us, to walk in...
Friday, July 9, 2010
“If we all worked on the assumption that what is accepted as true is really true, there would be little hope of advance”
In the relationships in your life how many times do you make assumptions about what people will like or not like, how they will react to an event or something you need to tell them or even what they are thinking, what motivates them, what their desires are?
When we get to know someone and we have been in long term relationship, be that husband and wife, parent and child, siblings, people we work with every day, etc, we tend to believe we know what they think and how they will react.
When we are working on developing a relationship in any way, weather it be mending a broken relationship or doing things to strengthen an existing relationship or developing a brand new relationship if we do things with the wrong assumptions about the other person in place we are very likely to not be successful in our endeavor.
When we are building our relationships if we build on a foundation of assumptions the relationship at some point falters and begins to subside because the assumptions we made were incorrect.
The other thing that happens is maybe we built a great foundation for our relationship, no assumptions were made, the foundation is rock solid, however over the years we assume we know the person so well that we know exactly how the feel, think and react. One might think they are safe to make assumptions in this case however what we often overlook is that people change. We change all the time and what we liked and the way we reacted a year ago may be quite different from the way we think and react today. As individuals we grow and change, if the other person does not recognize the changes and assumes that everything is always the same then the assumptions they make can often begin to unravel the relationship.
Bottom line, weather you are new in a relationship or you are in 40 year relationship it is rarely safe to make assumptions about the other persons, feelings, thoughts, reactions and behavior.
How do we remove our assumptions? The first step is we need to become aware of what we are assuming. Many of our assumptions are so ingrained that we may not even recognize we are making an assumption about someone until we are called on it by the other person. It is critical the health of relationships that we become aware of assumptions that we are making.
Once we are aware of the assumptions we are making, we then need to overcome our assumptions by asking questions. The simplest way to dump our assumptions is to ask questions. Note, if you frame the questions correctly you will come across as caring and loving. Your questions will be received as having a sincere interest in the other person and this will strengthen and in some case revitalize your relationship.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Looking back, I see this confident and vibrant woman. She stands tall, she radiates peace and love. She is present and aware, open to all this world has to offer without judgement. I look at her in amazement, in awe. That woman is me, one year ago. I miss her. I need her to tell me that everything will be allright, that she’s still here somewhere in this mess. I need her to guide me back to where I was, for somehow I got lost, trapped in traumatic memories, reliving a painful past.
Being 9 again, bullied by who I think are my friends. Not able to understand how their friendship can turn into anger and vice versa, just like that. Always trying to be a better friend, always trying to gain their approval, their love. Almost 30 years later that trap still works. I still crave love and approval. I still fear rejection. And I still meet the same challenge.
My wise self tells me everything is allright. She tells me this is exactly what I need in order to heal. She tells me that everything that doesn’t root in love is part of the illusion. She tells me that I am loved, that I am whole, that I am part of God’s perfection. She tells me she’s always there to guide me and protect me. And, what I need to hear most, she tells she will rise from this illusion, stronger and wiser, more beautiful than ever, like a fenix from the ashes.
Monday, July 5, 2010
I have the date carved on my brain. May 21th...
It feels like its been ages, but i know its pretty recent because i still have the bikini marks from all the sun blessing on those white Siesta Keys beach...To think i will never step foot in them again.
And a key chain that is hard to look at because it has some keys that only i know how important they are. The house keys, the YMCA card and my bikes keys...All of that what my life and i dont have it anymore and i've tried to avoid thinking about it because i dont want to feel the pain that i know i have hidden inside of me.
I've disciplined my conscious to avoid thinking abou him. But my subconcious just wont obey. It keeps playing tricks on me and it hurts.
I cant believe he let me go. I cant believe he gave up on me. I know on what bases our relationship was and i also know that me and him were in different places in the relationship. I know i was ready and i wanted something else, and i know that were he was at was were he wanted to be.
But what about everything else that we had that was good in our relationship? Were did it all go?
The early morning conversations, the bonding times the crawfish, the beautiful moments the are carved also in my memories. Doest that amount to anythinng?
I keep wondering if i cross his mind. I know its childish, but i do. I keep waiting for a messege or a phone call, a sigh that he is still present in my life.
And i dont want to talk to anyone about it. I know what they're gonna say and i dont wanna hear it!
I miss him. He is the one love. My love. My one person to go to.
And sometimes i hate him for giving up on me and other times i miss him so much that the pain makes it hard to breath. And the thought of not seing him ever is just to hard to accept.
He was my everything and that eveything im not gonna find in anyone. And i just want to pick the phone up and call him. But i know i cant.
I feel miserable and i feel lost.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
I did not feel any emotions, no anger or hurt.
Have you ever felt that perfect feeling when you realize that you hold no ties to a certain person anymore? That is what i want to feel. Because i've been there and i know the sweet release it gives you. An unexpected form of closure and a symbol of how far you have come.
There was this person once, that i thought i have really loved. And worse, thought i'd never foget or live without. But one day opportunity came and we were at the same social gattering.
Sitting there, playing cards and video games, I realized I felt nothing towards him- at all. A long time ago, I felt strong passion and affection. That eventually turned to longing and hurt and then anger. The loving feelings were long gone, but the thing I was most acutely aware of was the void of resentment and negative emotions. I have no idea how long it took me to finally get over them, but in civil conversation, I realized that things had come full circle. I finally had my closure.
Perhaps you understand this, but maybe you do not. Last night, after I got home, I reflected on this. Everything seemed to fit into place, all my hate at the time had dissipated. In fact, I almost forgot that I had every really known him well at all. For the longest time, I held onto him in a way that was not for love, but instead for unfinished business. So abruptly, things ended, I never felt settled about that.
It was as though I had been working on a huge puzzle of my life, no matter how far I got in it, something was missing. He held onto the last piece and left this hole that I could not understand. I thought simply being over him would be enough, but it was not. I needed to confront and let go of my hate, I needed to grow up. Last night, exchanging normal conversation like I would with someone I just met- things fell into place.
We no longer know each other, I am neutral towards him and I feel great. Maybe I will never speak to him again, but now I am content with the way things ended up.
Have you ever experienced closure in any form?
Would you be sad or happy to feel no emotions towards someone you once loved?
I feel this way today, but it might be the same tomorrow...
What if one of your greatest strengths is also your biggest flaw
I love playing with words and conveying certain messages, I know how to hint at things without saying them and how to hurt someone in a manner that I cannot be blamed for. It can be good, but at times it is a horrible curse. I am easily provoked and often respond quickly to others. This can lead to me saying meaner things than I intend or causing someone unfair guilt. Unless someone really irritates me, I try to control my words and soften the blow. Yet, if I lose control for even a second, I find my emotions seeping into my words and twisting them into ugly creatures. Words hurt, I know this. I do not mean to be so cruel or heartless, but sometimes I slip up and allow my darker side to tangle with my verbal expression.
One thing I have learned is the importance of thinking before I speak when emotional. Often times, I type up a particularly angry response to someone that targets their insecurities or psychological theories involving what I know of their past without a second thought. I have to force myself to reread it and nine times out of ten, I delete the whole thing and settle for something more polite that gets the point across that I am not pleased without cutting up someone's self confidence.The hardest time to restrain my vocabulary is when someone targets someone close to me. I feel obligated to tear anyone apart who has the ignorance to say awful things about those close to me. I love to point out the hypocritical in others, yet I am learning to use my judgment. High school is always going to be a place of rude things and rumors. Rumors are insignificant to me, I could not care less if someone else finds me interesting to gossip about. As Emily says, "it's so seventh grade to whine about what other people say about you." I think it is a symbol of low self esteem to have to defend yourself against stupid gossip. If someone directly calls you a whore to your face, punch them. If they are making up stories about you, take it as flattery and move on. Fighting battles on rumors and "he said" / "she said" is pointless in my opinion. I only trust what I hear first person. I know people talk about me, but it doesn't concern me unless they say it to my face. I trust my friends enough that I do not feel the need to defend against what others tell them.
Someone told me once that I am the embodiment of harsh truths. She explained that through my ability to express honesty through words and look at things objectively, I tended to highlight the flaws and bad traits in others. I kind of feel bad about this, I know I have attacked my father before in this harsh manner. With the crude ability to filter myself as a child, I painted him a picture of words depicting how awful he was to me. While I acknowledge that he did hurt me, I wonder if maybe I was too cruel in my careful accusations. Since I could communicate, I have been good at figuring out others. I know some of my friends like my objective perspective, my lack of bias. I think it hinders my ability to deal with more sensitive people, because I can be a heartless bitch when necessary.
Do you say cruel things when provoked?
Do you control your words?
Do you have a curse of any sort?
After a while you learn
the subtle difference between ... See More holding a hand and chaining a soul,
and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security,
and you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises, and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead,
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
and you learn to build all of your roads on today because tomorrow's ground
is too uncertain for plans,and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure... That you really do have worth.
And you learn and you learn...With every goodbye you learn
Saturday, July 3, 2010
I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
I know somedays i hate you, and some days i'll write some hatefull things about you. But its a way i found to keep the pain at a distance. Because the least i want to do is remember you...remember us. It hurts right down to the bottom of my soul.
But today i dont hate you. Today i miss you. Why? why did u let me go. why didnt you call back and say "I didnt mean it. Come back!"
But i know its never gong to happen. I know i've lost you forever... know i'll never hear your voce or see you smile, or hear you heart beat. And its so hard to accept.
You dont know how many times i resist the tempation of calling you, just to hear your voice. Mayb eif you heard my voice you would chnge your mind...
But i know its over. I know there is no turning back. And i know that it would eventually end up this way, because you were nt suppose to be mine. You never loved me. But i loved you so...
Bye baby, see you around. Didn't I tell you I wouldn't hold you down
Take good care of yourself, you hear Don't let me hear about you shedding a tear or lettiing the devil ride you or going to often to that dark place you go.
You're gonna make it
Remember me as a sunny day That you once had, along the way
Didn't I inspire you a little higher ?!
Remember me as a funny clown that made you laugh when you were down with my sillyness, with my odd ways, with my peculiar ways of being didnt i?!
Remember me as a breath of spring. Remember me as a good thing
Remember me when we are happy and our morning glories and our blissfull nights and the way we had it good when things were good.
Bye baby, see you around I dont know if you have someone new and if you do,
What can I do but wish you well?
What we had was really swell. I won't forget it, No, I have no regrets
Remember me as a sound of laughter And my face the morning after
Yes, you'll remember the times we fought. But don't forget me in your tender thoughts
Remember me when you drink you long island and if you see someone enjoying theur mohito and I gave you my best, i did. And what i didnt is because didnt know how.
Remember me with every ounce of good you have.
Remember me as a good thing.
Remember me as a sunny day and hw i loved the beach and how you knew it so well.Please darling, remember me as a good thing .Remember me when you drink your cognac...
Because i will always love you. Whenever, whereever and how ever!
Monday, June 21, 2010
the change in my life is unsettling,
but i think i'm getting used to it after all these years.
i hope, at least.
I'm sorry that I force so many things to happen.
I don't think I've ever stopped
But maybe it's fate that I force things.
Maybe, if I didn't, none of this would have happened
i'm sorry i'm not as good as i once was.
i'm sorry that you got to know me and realized
how i really was.
i'm sorry how i really am.
i'm sorry i let you in.
i'm sorry i let you go.
i'm sorry for what i said.
i'm sorry for what i will say.
i'm sorry for how long i kept quiet.
i'm sorry for never letting them in.
i'm sorry for breaking those promises.
i'm sorry for not being real.
i'm sorry you think i don't care.
i'm sorry for keeping your secret.
i'm sorry i wasn't there when you needed me the most.
i'm sorry for complaining
Sunday, June 20, 2010
there will be a time when i realize that i, myself, am more important then your monsters.
Because i was fighting them with you as if they were my own.
it was not my duty. it was not my burden
there are so many things that remind me of you,
i'm starting to think i'll have nothing left to myself
i'm hanging on for something that isn't coming.
something i used to know made me this way.
you took something away that wasn't there.
i don't know why i'm still doing this.
i'll forget about this just a little bit longer,
i said i was done,
but i haven't gotten stronger.
what happened to not being one of them?
what inside of you made me so free?
what inside of you hurt me so bad?
just wait until it evaporates.
wait until you're standing in the cold,
nothing to warm you but the heat of bodies passing you.
they won't notice you.
i'll pass you too, one day.
i'll give you the shirt off of my back.
i'll regret it.
because you regretted me.
think we need to start remembering why we're here.
but some of us have no idea.
why am i the easiest to one-up and forget?
It`s completely impossible to find a guy who won`t ever hurt you. so go for the guy who will make the pain worthwhile. And i did. I just didnt know with would hurt that bad. Jetsky gulf-cost, that beautiful warm water...you turn around and kiss me. It was not so long ago. It was like yesterday. Why? why did u let me go, why did u gibe up on me?!
Sometimes when a person means that much to you, not even the truth can change your mind.
I know it seems like i`m this strong girl who can get through everything, but inside im pretty fragile. I`ve had so many things thrown at me,and each one has only made me crack. What i`m afraid of is that one of these days i`m going to shatter.
And you broke my heart. And you acted like somehow it was my fault, misunderstanding,
and I was too in love with you to ever be mad at you, so I just punished myself.
I'm trying to move on. I really am. I try to tell myself that you don’t want me and I can’t have you anymore. I try so hard, but how can you let go of the only person who makes you happy? The only person who makes you feel alive? The only reason you’re still here? You just can’t let go of someone like that.
But i cant talk to you.
I don't talk to you anymore and please believe me when I say it's not that I don't want to, it's just that everything I want to say I can't tell you anymore.
Its almost like suicide. You give so much to that special someone that you sometimes end up killing yourself inside.
But i know that no matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing. being lonely, being alone, for many people, sucks. i get it, i get it, i get it. but still i have to say that yes, my belief is that being with somebody who makes you feel shitty or doesn't honor the person you are is worse. life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with. you deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time.
And i know that there will come a time When you'll be thinking about me and you'll miss me, and i'll completely fine. Remember how I felt, and remind yourself this is what you wanted. Because with every day coming and going, I'll learn how to be okay without you. And I can't wait for the day when I get to look at you and feel absolutely nothing.
Im sorry if it what feel is hate, but it comes and goes. It might just be a protective mode i deciced to adapt to numb the pain...Not For a single moment I want to feel like the universe isnt going to crush me; and my heart isnt about to explode.
But you dont know, probably dont care, because You'll never understand how much I hurt because you're not the one crying, you're not the one who is left behind, you're not the one who loved too much, and you're not the one who's holding on to someone that's gone
And if you say "i didn't mean to break your heart," before you finish the words you'll hear from me are "i didn't mean to fall in love either, but we all make mistakes.
Right now I just want to live my life without you. I want to be able to wake up each morning and not wish you would call me. I want to be able to walk around with a smile and pass right by you without a second glance, without noticing that you never gave me one.
I want to be immune to you and how you're hurting me. I just want to sit here and hate you. I need to find a way to deal with my pain and anger. I wish I could make you disappear. You want to know what my problem is? My lips say I hate you. But my heart whispers I still love you too much.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
It’s amazing. People grow so used to the dark, they start to like it. The curtains blocking out the light are comforting to them. The dark makes them happy. But really it’s just an illusion. When the curtains are gone, and everything’s light, you see things you never even knew where there, and you really start to appreciate them. Of course, they were there before, but you never took the time to look
Why cant you just love me, like I love you? I know, you’ve given me a million chances to change my ways , but i've been stuburn.But I need you back, more than I need anything right now.
I would like to think each one of us has one moment in our life, where we feel completely perfect. Like everything’s finally fit together right. Yeah, that would be nice.
It doesn’t matter how many times you tell me its gonna be okay, I just cant listen anymore, because you cant give me the one thing I want more than anything in the world. You cant give me you. So no, its not gonna be okay.
You made me happy, we were happy. But right now I’m stuck in this situation where I don’t know whether to completely ignore you and try to forget you, or to stick around and be there for you, just to prove I love you a billion times more than she does.
And If someone asks me who I see my future with, I picture it with somebody who doesn’t exist. I mean, its you, but it’s a you that actually loves me back.
But i can just hear the words in your mibd if you actually read this..."You gotta start listening to your brain once in a while if you want to save your heart."
Sometimes, when you love someone so much, not even the truth can change it.
But if you wonder why I don’t talk to you anymore, and please believe me when I say it’s not that I don’t want to, its just that everything I want to say, I cant tell you anymore.
And i cant help but to think that every guy is going to love a girl who will never love them back. And as he sits there crying because she will never want him, he doesn’t realise that there’s a girl across the world thinking of him. A girl who would give anything to see her smile, make her laugh, or kiss her in the rain. A boy who would never make him cry because she doesn’t want him. But he will forever be chasing the girl who will never love him, instead of giving his heart to the one who deserves it.
You choose whether or not you open your heart to love. And you know what I think? I think you do love me. Or you could love me. But you're just too stubborn and scared to admit it because the last time you really gave your heart to someone, it got broken. And I get that. I've been there. But somewhere along the line, you gave up on the idea that you deserve to feel this way again
And its just that There’s just something about you that I’ve always been scared to lose because I know I won’t find it in anybody else.
You said you never meant to hurt me, but that doesn’t make it right. You said you
were wrong and apologised way too many times but that doesn’t make it okay.
So listen, when I say it’s alright, its not. When you see the tears falling from my eyes, that means I’m not okay, I’m not that strong but I guess I should have seen it coming all along.
But i know that it will eventually change one day. It happens to everyone as they grow up...you find out who you are and what you want, and then you realize that the people you've known forever don't see things the way you do. And so you keep the memories, but you find yourself moving on.
But untill then...Nobody could hurt me like I knew he could hurt me. But there’s no-one in this world I want more.