Saturday, March 28, 2009

What Are You Afraid of?

A friend of mine the other day looked at me and said "what a fiercely independent you are!" I was surprised that that person saw that in me. Sometimes it takes other people or even strangers to open our eyes to our selves, or to put the mirror right in front of our faces to see was really is there.
I don't think I really recognized before that the person that i put a front of could be a very different reality from what i trully am. I put this guard on myself so fiercely and put up this persona of strength when, underneath, i'm very vulnerable. I find that I guess I did that in many ways in my life that I didn't really recognize. So when He came into my live it allowed me to release a lot of those things that I didn't really realize I did."

I've said this a million times before, that i would rather go through what ever pain i have to to experience the things that make me feel alive and happy and fulfilled regardless of other peoples personal opinions. I never want to find myself too comfortable anywhere, because I don't think you can grow if you're too comfortable in you private stable zone that you've criated just not to get hurt or challanged.

Friday, March 27, 2009

The ultimate wish list

Ok. If someboby was to ask me today to make a wish list and on that list to mention all of my dreams and wishes and even the most secretive of fantasies, and impossible dreams. And i'd have to be totally honest about it, here how it would go :

I would ask that my son turn out to be a happy and responsible and healthy adult. That he would sucessed and excell at anything that he would set his mind to. That he could be financialy secured for the rest of his life. And that he would always see me as his rock. The person that he could trust unconditionally.

I would ask that my family (wich means my parents and my brother and sisters and all of their siblings and loved ones) would also succeed in their lifes both financially and personally and that we can be always as close are we are today.

Now for me...for me i'd have a hole lot to ask for. Hum...I've ask for enlightment awareness and knowledge. I would ask for peace of mind. I'd ask to learn how to set myself free from my insecurities and fears and self doubt.
My boldest wish? To build a healthy and happy life with the one that i love. That we couldt finally be and stay together. I wouldn't mind the struggle and the pain that i would have to endure. Because i'm certain that in the end...its all worth it. Just to be a part of his life and he's of mine.

Mom Rest assured. Everything is FINE

That's it love your child. Not be in love with them—that's dangerous. If you're in love with your children, you're in their lives all the time. Leave them alone! Let them grow and make some mistakes. Tell them, "You can come home. My arms are here—and my mouth is too." Tell them, "I'm going to leave you alone. You want to listen to the that heavy sounndless def methal melody free kinda music?? Well, I think it's stupid, but help yourself." When you really love them, you don't want to possess them. You don't say, "I love you and I want you here with me." Naturally, if you love somebody, you do want to see their face every now and again, but that's not a condition of your love. People often get possession mixed up with love, and they say, "If you really loved me, you would call me." How—when life is going on? I think of you all the time, and the thought of you always lifts my spirits. But I'm not right at the phone!
That's my prelude and i have learned to accept it.Even tough what i have at home is an intelligent your man who has his our thoughts and convictions and will intuitively know if he is in a situation that he need me or my help or my opinion. I've learnd to accept it and live it with. And my gutt, my mom gutt says that i should and can trust my lil prince that is constructing his own pad where he can walk safely and surely and that's all i need to know for now.
All i need to know is that i've (to the best of my abilities) raised a child who is smart. kind and generous and who knows his identity.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The Sweetest Prince With Diamonds On The Inside

Dear Prince please come to your senses. Come down from your fences and open the gate.
It seams to me that some fine things have been laid upon your table, but you only want the ones that you can't have.
She knows you got your reasons. But you gotta believe me when i say that these things that are pleasing you, can hurt you somehow.

And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin'. Your prison is walking through this world all alone.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Do You Feel me...?

Anthony Hamilton sings this song so beautifully. You can tell its coming from his soul. When you love that hard and this deep, this is how it comes out. Why is that that its easier to say the most profound things when we are in pain?

Wish I could see through
See deep into you
And know what you're thinking now
And if I were to need it
I need some kind of sign
Let me know cause I can't read your mind

Are you in?
Or am I in this on my own?
I need some clue from you
Let me know babe

Do you feel you?
Do you read me?
Tell me am I gettin through to you
I wanna know,
are you with me?
Are you listening?
Baby, is my message gettin through?
Do you feel me baby, oh babe, cause I can feel you

You play it so cool
Won't let nothin' show through
Won't show what you're feeling now, no
And you like to keep keepin' me
Keeping me here in the dark
And I can't see through into your heart
Let me in, in on this mystery
Cause I just can't stay in this guessing game

And don't keep me hanging on the line, baby
Tell me if you want me
And if you don't just let me know
Just answer one question
Don't keep me here guessing
Tell me now

Friday, March 20, 2009

The Woman In Me

The woman in me needs to clean up her basement. Needs to sweap under the rugs, dig in there because there's a lot of dirt hidden that needs to come out. And no use trying to act like its not pilling up, because the more i ignore it and avoid doing it, the more pressing the need becomes.Like something eating away at the very core of my structure. If i stay dwelling on my basement i will never do what makes me happy, an eventually will become angry and resentful.

But its not easy to come home to yourself, specially when you have a tendency to makes excuses for your unhappiness and misery.

We need to be reminded why the cultivation of awareness and kindness is so necessary and yet so difficult.I need to be reminded, because my frustrations get me so angry that i loss sense of whatever kindness i may have in me and get bitter and judgmental and have no tolorence what so ever. I block all logic and just make radical thinking my way of being.

I think that i am overwhelmed but my beliefs and my state of mind. I'm controlled by my negativity and conditioned by my bad habits, the ones that i have claimed from all my past negative experiences.

My expectations have been raise to unattainable heights and and are in the way of my evolution.
I need to stop focusing on trying to reach the perfect weight and the perfect self and start focusing on me and my happiness attitude and state of mind. This should be my precious gift that i should have to give to myself and the people that i love and love me back.

everyday i ought to wake up and say "How is my state of mind today? Am i losing ground? If am, i better adress that first because the rest of the stuff i do won't be worth anything if i hassled or in a bad mood. I need to know my condition before i act on it. When i feel that i'm losing ground i need to adress it and not be ashamed by it.

When things are not working out the way that they should be i can't do well and its going to come to a point where words can ease and comfort my mind for a little while, but action has to be taken to back them up, particulary if i have been marinating the same words over and over again for a longtime.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Search your mind and search your soul

"Its not OK to have a child dye for the lack of a 20 ct immunization.Its not Ok to have a child dye for lack of food in his stomach in the 21th century. Im not looking for you money, i'm looking for you VOICE..." said bono for everybody to hear.

Bono vox come to televion and tried to open our eyes to this cruel reality. He tried hard tho shift our focus to his messege. We didn't want to hear him, we didn't want to be held accountable for, we didn't want any part of it nor a responsability to take action. We'd rather stay living in the comfort of our ignorant bliss as we see it. But we should listen to what he says, because then we will know about what he is talking about when he talks about extreme poverty.

He says " Around the world, 30 thousand people are dying of extreme poverty every day.I'm talking about children losing their lives because of diarrea or because they haven't had an injection that costs 25 cts."
" This means someone dying every three seconds.Someones mother, someones daughter."

Let us learn about human and civil rights. Like the right to live like a human, the right to live period. Those are the stakes in the poor countries and worse the rich countries that exclude the poor to the back of the society where can't be seen or heard from, where they can't touch their conscious or mind.
We're not asking for it to be about charity, we're telling you its about justice and equality.
So don't judge me for my words and my rightous anger. Look at it as true religion (if i may be so bold). Because true religion will not let us fall asleep in the comfort of our freedom. "Love thy neighbour" is not a piece of advice, its a command.
And that means a lot. That means that in the global village we're gonna have to start loving a hole lot more people. Because where you live should not decide wheather you live or wheather you die. And who ever sits in judgement on race or poverty or aiding the ones in need let me just say that whatever thoughts we have about God, who he is or even if God exists, most will agree that God has a special place for the poor. The poor are where God lives. God is in the slumbs and the cardboard boxes where the poor play house, God is where the opportunity is lost and lives are shattered.God is under the rubble and the cries we hear during war times. So yes God is with the poor and he will be with us, if we are with them

Short Span Of Attention

As i grow older, and let me just say that i'm in the "baby years"if i put it into perspective. Given that those who know this stuff say that we are the generation that is going to live longer. So to intertain my ego, i might as well say that im notin my 40's im still walking on my "baby years". As for the cinicals i say...well ok. But i'm still on the right side of the 40's

So as i was writting, as i get older i feel that i'm finding it hard to deal with crap and bullshit. Well not hard. Lets correct this and say that i'm not willing to put up with what people decide to throw at me.
So. If you're gonna flatter me, you better be intelligente with him. If you're gonna waste my time and call on my attention you better make it worth it. I got no time for bullshit. And i know. I know that if i'm going to take a stand like this one. Be arrogante as some might thing. I'm going to enter some pretty tough terretory and sometimes...i might just not like what i'll hear and i might get somethings trown at me. Like words that i m might find tough to chew.
But i'll take that the risk. Because to be in that status is a whole new of quality living and socializing. Your state of mind your attitude and your happiness are complet and not threatend.The kind of living where you don't have to be apologetic to anyone, you say what is on your mind you are true to your self and you don't hold back.
A kind of living where you don't take crap or bullshit from anyone. You don't waste your energy on pettiness and ignorance. Where you will only allow to be part of your life things and people that can help you be a better person and can allow you to evolve into whatever you are set to be. Whatever you are equiped to be. And you well except and expect the same in return.
Like for exemple. Saying NO when you have to. Even knowing that is not going to please others or taking a position that you know is not politicaly correct. But it doesn't matter. Because if in your heart your going to be true to yor self, you're going to always know what is the correct think to do.

So if you're going to shift my attention towards you, make it good, make it worth my time and energy.

Lost in Translation

You play it so cool, won't let nothing show through. I don't know if i get through to you.

The mistery and the secret about making your relationship work, according to a book that i'm reading is a woman has to know and understand the man and his cave and the man has to be sensitive and supportive to the woman's wave estate.

But i get really resentful. I feel myself thinking negative thoughts about the way he deals with our distance.
This is how i see the situation. I don't know untill what extent it is accurate, but its what i believe and its how i feel. And In silently i resent that in him and i wished that things could be different. But i feel myself as time goes by, getting less and less tolarante. I see me getting picky and i think i don't automaticly sugar coat things as i used to.
The days when i'm tired and i'm not blured by my nostalgia i find that i'm not trying to find excuses or justifications for his silence. And i should be able to be honest enough to say it. But i hold myself back. I keep thinking that the worse thing is to creature an issue or an argument "long distance".
I mean its not something that you can debate over a phone call. Or an email, no matter how elaborate i can make it.

I do miss him and i love him and i dont want to let him go. I still think that if i had to choose, life is more painful without him in it then it is with him.
He wrote to me the other day "You are the coolest woman on the planet. You really are!". I liked it but its not enough anymore. I wanted to write back and tell him that i can be more then the coolest woman on earth. I wanted to be the woman that he loved and wanted to be with. And i wanted him to realize without me haven't to say it, that he should know how lucky he is for having someone like me in his life that is so devoted and loyal to him. Thats what i want him to know. That to me he is like a new day, like the sun on my skin. I want him to understand that he shouldn't take what i feel for him for granted that i'm not saying it to shake him up. Im saying to wake him up.

And i understand that has a man he needs to figure his things out and get hislife in gear before he can be the man that he can be to me. But he can do all that without losing his focus on me, if i indeed am a part of his life and plans.

Viva La Vida

I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own

I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing
"Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!"

One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand

I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field

For some reason I can't explain
Once you go there was never
Never an honest word
And that was when I ruled the world

It was the wicked and wild wind
Blew down the doors to let me in
Shattered windows and the sound of drums
People couldn't believe what I'd become

Revolutionaries wait
For my head on a silver plate
Just a puppet on a lonely string
Oh who would ever want to be king?

I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field

For some reason I can't explain
I know Saint Peter won't call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world

I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field

For some reason I can't explain
I know Saint Peter won't call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the wor

Monday, March 9, 2009

Distant Lover

"Distant lover, lover
So many miles away
How long, how i long for you
Every night, every night
And sometimes I yearn
Through the day
Distant lover
You should think about me
And say a prayer for me
Please, please
Think about me sometimes..."

If he askes me how i am, ill say i'm OK. I'll pretend everything is fine because i'm afraid that if i say i'm lonely and i hate being apart from him, he wont understand.
I'll try to be nice, but the resentment is always trying to come out. Because in my mind i'm conviced that its easier for him, and he has no problem with the fact that we are distant from each other. I know that what i want is reassurance but im so afraid of being rejected.
I try to approache the subject but my intuition always tell me that its an uncomforable situation for him. Its not something that he is at ease with. But does that make it right, to what point should i respect that in him and not talk about it. Especially when its something that affects me deeply. I don't know how to approach him with out sounding like i'm pressuring him to make a decition.
What i want for him to understand is that what i resent is the situation in it self. Not him. I don't want to be in this situation. Life is so short and we spent it apart when we should be enjoying it together. Because if its not meant to be the time apart really doesn't make any sense does it.
So yes i do need reassurance. I need to know that this is going somewhere and that there is a plan for a future together. I'm not asking for a guaranty. I'm not asking him to sigh a contract with me. But i do need to know if we are in this together or if to him this is just a long distance relationship with no plans for a future.
I have been searching myself for a long time about this long distance relationship. I've looked inside i know about the diffence between us i know about the obsticules i stand against and i know i'm ready and have been for a while to deal with this level of commitment. But there has to be a goal set for us - a specific time being it six months or a year or a little more - when the separation in going to end. There has to be an agreed upon goal to look forward to because i don't want to and i cant handle the "stringing along the status quo indefinitly " witch is very frustrating and exausting. Even if at the end of that goal set we decide that its best to call it quits. Anything is better then this feeling of being lost at sea with no perspective of hitting the sand.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

In Praise Of The Vulnerable Man

"God That's my baby, please protect him and guide him. Guide him to be the best that he can. And help him help to accomplish everything that he is destined to do and be"

"You must be safe when you fall in love
People need, the time you and I share together, compromise, try and see eye to eye, cause loves not blind, it knows when you care"

And he's cared and he's loved for. More then i love myself i shouldn't say it and it shouldn't be so, but it is.

So i say a prayer for him, for the complicated melody in him. A prayer so that he can find in his soul the peace that he need for his mind. So that he can become the man that he wants to be and the man the he already is.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Say What You Need To Say

"Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead,
If you could only . . .say what you need to say"

It cuts both way. I should just come out and say what i want and what i need from you. I shouldn't have to spell it out to you, when its right there in your face. I shouldn't have to ask for it.
But you not a mind reader. And you can't guess what's on my mind. If i don't say it to you why should you have to guess what i need and what i want. And why is it that i have to be obligated to give it to you. Shouldn't it be that if i wanted to give it, i would do it voluntarily and spontaneously without it being imposed on me?

But then again, let me say it, say what i need to say.
I need to feel that you appreciate me and what i mean to you. I need you to look at me without judgement and without pre-concept ideas. I need you to look at me and see me from the inside out. I need you to see the beauty in me regardless of what i look like from the outside. And i know i have to take care of my body as well as my soul. I know that my body is my temple and that i should respect it.

I don't want to blame you for my unhappiness, because i might feel that i have giving too much or have given more then i have received.
I'd rather set limits and recognize the boundaries of what i can give without resenting you.

No "buts". But i have always felt that setting limits and receiving where very scary things to me. I have been afraid of needing too much and ending up being rejected or judged and abandoned.

I'm trying to figure out where this idea came from that i don't deserve to be loved and unworthy of receiving more. I guess it might have been though out my life, every time i had to suppress any feelings and needs or wishes.
And so to deal with all of that i made myself believe that in order to receive what i wanted i had to give and give and give.

But i'm tired now. I tired of giving so much all the time. I want to relax and be taken care of for a while.
I have to believe that giving like i have been and loving the way that i have, does not guarantee me anything and most of all it doens't guarantee that he will love me and that he will stay.

So i'm gonna start saying what i need to say. And i'll start by remembering my needs and making the changes that i need to make. Beginning with no longer giving too much and i'll do that because i will realize what i'm worth. And i know that when i'm ready he will come out of his cave and see me.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Bag Lady

"Bag lady you gone hurt your back
Dragging all them bags like that
I guess nobody ever told you
All you must hold on to
Is you, is you..."

Erykah Badu wrote this song called "Bag Lady" a while ago about women who couldn't let go and carried all their torment and trauma and issues of past relationships with them, specially into their new relationships, and she classified it as baggage, or excess baggage.

And i started wondering how many women don't let go and carry their past dramas and let it poison their relationship.
All those bad habits and patterns and judgments raise at the sight of obstacle and stand in the way of progress and happiness.

i know i have. I've made this same mistake in every past relationship i have had. I have always given "him" the power to condition how i feel.
I have let "him" make me feel so unloved for someone so fine, so unsexy for someone so beautiful, so boring for someone so interesting and so ignorante for someone so sound of mind.

And all of those little rejections they seemed so real to me. I took them for truth and reality and i took it all so personally.

I thought that was the way to keep the love. I thought that was the only way that i could be loved. I never wanted to admit it, but i did it because i always thought i wasn't worthy of affection, i didn't deserve the love. So i took what was given to me. The whatever little that was given to me and i took it as if it was precious and rare.

But i damaged my self. I turned it into a reality and i lived by it. It made me lonely and sad and always longing for more.