Saturday, October 31, 2009

23 Things I Know For Sure!

1.What you put out comes back all the time, no matter what.

2. You define your own life. Don't let other people write your script.

3. Whatever someone did to you in the past has no power over the present. Only you give it power.

4. When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.

5. Worrying is wasted time. Use the same energy for doing something about whatever worries you.

6. What you believe has more power than what you dream or wish or hope for. You become what you believe.

7. If the only prayer you ever say is thank you, that will be enough.

8. The happiness you feel is in direct proportion to the love you give.

9. Failure is a signpost to turn you in another direction.

10. If you make a choice that goes against what everyone else thinks, the world will not fall apart.

11. Trust your instincts. Intuition doesn't lie.

12. Love yourself and then learn to extend that love to others in every encounter.

13. Let passion drive your profession.

14. Find a way to get paid for doing what you love. Then every paycheck will be a bonus.

15. Love doesn't hurt. It feels really good.

16. Every day brings a chance to start over.

17. Being a mother is the hardest job on earth. Women everywhere must declare it so.

18. Doubt means don't. Don't move. Don't answer. Don't rush forward.

19. When you don't know what to do, get still. The answer will come.

20. "Trouble don't last always."

21.Hopeless emptiness.Plenty of people are onto the emptiness, but it takes real guts to see the hopelessness. "

22. You know what's so good about the truth? Everyone knows what it is however long they've lived without it. No one forgets the truth, they just get better at lying.

23. If i eat that delicious peace of chocolate cake that is in this picture it will be a moment on the lips, a lifetime on your hips and thighs and bubbies

Friday, October 30, 2009

Dorothy Says she'll lend me her slippers so that i can go back home to him..

"they say you're not someone untill sobody loves you!" i heard you say.

And i say to you...
Just when I'm ready to throw in my hand
Just when the best things in life are gone I lean over and touch your chest, feel your heart beat.
There's no smoke without fire. You're exactly who I want to be with without you what could I do
And when I'm willing to call it a day. Just when I won't take another chance
I hear your voicer and catch your contagious laughter.
There's no smoke without fire. Man I love you, without you what would I do
And i miss you i miss you and miss you.
Everything about you. The way you pick on me, the way you try to and sometimes do get a tap on my butt, i miss your somewhat sometimes bitchy moods. I miss looking at you when you don't know that i am. Its not creapy, its love and love in the purest of ways. If i close my eyes and go to sleep maybe dorothy can lend me her magic ruby slippers so that i can clip my heels three times and repeating "there´s no place like home, there´s no place like him and bamm i have a smile stretched from ear to ear to see you walk down the road. And we meet at the lights, i stare for a while
Just you and me on this
let me be the calm you seek but every time I'm close to you
there's too much I can't say and then its time to leave again
and I forgot to tell youI love you and the night's too long and cold here
without you.
I grieve in my condition
for I cannot find the strength to say I need you so and Dorothy needs her slippers back.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

To what extent should ideology be the foundation of belief?

"Belief is the psychological state in which an individual holds a proposition or premise to be true".

"An ideology is a set of aims and ideas that directs one's goals, expectations, and actions."

If your belief system stems from ideology then you have it back to front.

Your beliefs should be based on facts. Cold, hard facts.
Ideology follows.

Good evening, London. Allow me first to apologize for this interruption. I do, like many of you, appreciate the comforts of every day routine- the security of the familiar, the tranquility of repetition. I enjoy them as much as any bloke. But in the spirit of commemoration, thereby those important events of the past usually associated with someone's death or the end of some awful bloody struggle, a celebration of a nice holiday, I thought we could mark this November the 5th, a day that is sadly no longer remembered, by taking some time out of our daily lives to sit down and have a little chat. There are of course those who do not want us to speak. I suspect even now, orders are being shouted into telephones, and men with guns will soon be on their way. Why? Because while the truncheon may be used in lieu of conversation, words will always retain their power. Words offer the means to meaning, and for those who will listen, the enunciation of truth. And the truth is, there is something terribly wrong with this country, isn't there? Cruelty and injustice, intolerance and oppression. And where once you had the freedom to object, to think and speak as you saw fit, you now have censors and systems of surveillance coercing your conformity and soliciting your submission. How did this happen? Who's to blame? Well certainly there are those more responsible than others, and they will be held accountable, but again truth be told, if you're looking for the guilty, you need only look into a mirror. I know why you did it. I know you were afraid. Who wouldn't be? War, terror, disease. There were a myriad of problems which conspired to corrupt your reason and rob you of your common sense. Fear got the best of you, and in your panic you turned to the now high chancellor, Adam Sutler. He promised you order, he promised you peace, and all he demanded in return was your silent, obedient consent. Last night I sought to end that silence. Last night I destroyed the Old Bailey, to remind this country of what it has forgotten. More than four hundred years ago a great citizen wished to embed the fifth of November forever in our memory. His hope was to remind the world that fairness, justice, and freedom are more than words, they are perspectives. So if you've seen nothing, if the crimes of this government remain unknown to you then I would suggest you allow the fifth of November to pass unmarked. But if you see what I see, if you feel as I feel, and if you would seek as I seek, then I ask you to stand beside me one year from tonight, outside the gates of Parliament, and together we shall give them a fifth of November that shall never, ever be forgot.
Our story begins, as these stories often do, with a young up-and-coming politician. He's a deeply religious man and a member of the conservative party. He is completely single-minded convictions and has no regard for the political process. Eventually, his party launches a special project in the name of 'national security'. At first, it is believed to be a search for biological weapons and it is pursued regardless of its cost. However, the true goal of the project is power, complete and total hegemonic domination. The project, however, ends violently... but the efforts of those involved are not in vain, for a new ability to wage war is born from the blood of one of their victims. Imagine a virus - the most terrifying virus you can, and then imagine that you and you alone have the cure. But if your ultimate goal is power, how best to use such a weapon? It is at this point in our story that along comes a spider. He is a man seemingly without a conscience; for whom the ends always justify the means and it is he who suggests that their target should not be an enemy of the country but rather the country itself. Three targets are chosen to maximize the effect of the attack: a school, a tube station, and a water-treatment plant. Several hundred die within the first few weeks. Until at last the true goal comes into view. Before the St. Mary's crisis, no one would have predicted the outcome of the elections. No one. But after the election, lo and behold, a miracle. Some believed that it was the work of God himself, but it was a pharmaceutical company controlled by certain party members made them all obscenely rich. But the true genius of the plan was the fear. A year later, several extremeists are tried, found guilty, and executed while a memorial is builterected to canonize their victims. Fear became the ultimate tool of this government. And through it our politician was ultimately appointed to the newly created position of High Chancellor. The rest, as they say, is history. V FOR VENDETTA

God is in the Rain.

They say a pictures can say a thousand words, and if this one here could explain the meaning behind it...i don't know. I donteven think that you could put it to words. Just keep it in your memory in your private emotions.
What did i come back with this time. What did i learn, what do i know clearly now.
So many things, so mane emotions as usual, so many things going on feelings expressions emotions happiness bliss rage frustration sadness pain longing but most of all belonging. A sense of being there for a reason and belonging and beeing a part of this persons life for a very strong reason.
Everytime i come back i say "this time it was better...This time was the best!".
But atually this time around was the best the most fullfilling the most understandable, the more transparente of all of the other times, and i think that its what makes it different from the others.
I´ve learned the necessity for healthy comunications. Even if it means what you're gonna hear is not what you want to hear, but it might just be what you need to hear. So it hurts sometimes...yes it does. But you shake it off and learn from it.
I understood that if this person is a person that i love the way that i know i do, then im going to have to trust him and let my guard down. Talk about and know the importance of (talking) about your deepest fears and feelings.
Your parter should hear your most embarassing insecurities, because once you've said them out loud, you've created a safe zone and you can trust that what you're holding back can be in good hands once you let it out.
But its so hard to leave him behind and come back to my reality. Yeah sure i can make the best of my reality, but thats not the reality i want.
It takes me so long to reajust to not seeing him. Not hearing his voice, feeling his heart beat. He´s the one. And we may disagree on many things and be different on a lot of them too. But who says that for a relationship to work out you have to be equal, the same. Nope i don't agree. There are some things in wich you should have the same thought value for. Spiritually, mentally. values character things that are a part of a persons beeing. that i think is importante. To be in harmony with your partner in the things that matter for your well beeing and your menthal health. Anything else, music taste, opinion. None of that has to coincide in order to creat balance. Who's to say that the flaws that i have aren´t qualities that you lack and vise-versa?
But i miss him and it hasn´t even been 24 hours since i last saw him.
and it's hard at the end of the day.I need some distraction i cant sleep. Dont want to close my eyes and realize i´m not there anymore.
Beautiful release memory seeps from my veins let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight and may i find some comfort there.

"Who are you?
V: Who? Who is but the form following the function of what and what I am is a man in a mask.
Evey Hammond: Well I can see that.
V: Of course you can. I'm not questioning your powers of observation I'm merely remarking upon the paradox of asking a masked man who he is.
Who are you?
V: Who? Who is but the form following the function of what and what I am is a man in a mask.
Evey Hammond: Well I can see that.
V: Of course you can. I'm not questioning your powers of observation I'm merely remarking upon the paradox of asking a masked man who he is.
Evey Hammond: Oh. Right.
V: But on this most auspicious of nights, permit me then, in lieu of the more commonplace sobriquet, to suggest the character of this dramatis persona.
V: VoilĂ ! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition.
[carves V into poster on wall]
V: The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous.
V: Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V. "


Friday, October 23, 2009

The Living Years

Mike And The Mechanics wrote this song a long time ago. And never has a song made me feel so guilty about how i so often neglet my duties has a daughter a sister and sometimes a mother...

Every generation
Blames the one before
And all of their frustrations
Come beating on your door

I know that Im a prisoner
To all my father held so dear
I know that Im a hostage
To all his hopes and fears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years

Crumpled bits of paper
Filled with imperfect thought
Stilted conversations
Im afraid thats all weve got

You say you just dont see it
He says its perfect sense
You just cant get agreement
In this present tense
We all talk a different language
Talking in defence

Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
Its too late when we die
To admit we dont see eye to eye

So we open up a quarrel
Between the present and the past
We only sacrifice the future
Its the bitterness that lasts

So dont yield to the fortunes
You sometimes see as fate
It may have a new perspective
On a different day
And if you dont give up, and dont give in
You may just be o.k.

Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
Its too late when we die
To admit we dont see eye to eye

I wasnt there that morning
When my father passed away
I didnt get to tell him
All the things I had to say

I think I caught his spirit
Later that same year
Im sure I heard his echo
In my babys new born tears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years

Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
Its too late when we die
To admit we dont see eye to eye

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind

I know by now that i am that kind of person that sometimes in order to understand or to accept that i'm wrong it has to be done cold and raw...sometimes cruel. Someone once told me that, along time ago. I don't listen and things turned out against me.
I know you don't like me blogging about you, but only i know you exist. To anybody who will eventually read this, you will always be an anonymous person.
But its the only way i have to gets things out of me. You know i'm not prepared to tell you certain things. I always fear your reaction and i know the truth about your feelings and it doesn't make it better.
You've always told me, and i have always accepted it. It's been my choice to accept these terms. I have my very personal and private reasons for doing so, but i wont share it with anyone.
Me and you are different in our way of being socially speaking. You have your habits and i have mine. We're both conditioned by them, whether they are healthy habits or not. Its what we know for sure that is what is best for us.
Well sometimes i know, other times i act on auto pilot and thats why i realize that you might be right with what you say.
I Was hurt with the things you told me, even tough some of them where not new to me. But i tell you this and i hope that it can be some kind of explanation to the way my anxiety affects your sanctuary and your peace. You're right one of the main reason is to me, in my mind, i have a limited amount of time (which i might not get back) and so i try to suck it all in live it all at ounce without even realizing that if i just relax and sit down i will enjoy intimacy with you more then i will if i walk out the door and go chase thrills. Thats crazy
But even tough you have our disagreements there is a spiritual bond that connect us and we crossed each others paths for a reason that is beyond our understanding but enough to make us realize that if we let go, we stand to lose.
Because i am conscious of the truth about how you feel about me, its a very big obstacle in my mind. And you may say "well that you!" and i agree. But still even tough am not forced into this situation, just the notion of it enables me a lot of the time to let me guards down and just relax and appreciate your company, your presence even in silence. All my anxiety comes from that core knowledge and its hard to get past that. Fear is a terrible thing and when fear is infiltrated in your mind not yet solved it can create chaos and instability. And thats me.
So my world is transformed into this unknown and unknowable place.
And all i have in this other world that i create when i feel threatened (like a snail in its shell)is theses negative thoughts and fears and confusing paradoxes.
That's all im able to give in our connection in those times of conflict.
Its like i have a 60 pound stone on my back, a 60 pound job of what i must do to rid myself of these daemons and i have the tools that i need to do it.
The unspoken text in the silence when i feel your look on me trying to get a reaction, a response to what your telling me. And i can't
I wish i was surrounded by sacred things (may i feel your arms around me)This is what i need i need your arms i need your shelter i need your comfort. This is what i;m going to miss, your physicality.
Man thats just life life life up there on the edge of something else.
Don't give up on me. I can be a slow learner when it comes to these subjects but i will internalize my craft as i grow and learn.
Like a second skin that you feel with. So i pray to the Gods of creativity and aliveness, that i remain awake and alert and in command of my senses. So that when the moment arrives, i am ready. Thats the rising. When i'm ready the teachers will come. So just have faith in me, because when my true self that is here and that you have sometimes witnessed comes out...You will see me.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

The Boss

Sometimes you get so mad at me, your eyes look at me with what it seams to be almost hatrate(which i hope it isn't) and i cant understand what I've done.
You bring me home and go back outside and leave me alone, and i yet again can't understand. What is it that makes you do these things and have these reaction towards me. You afraid that the chemicals are going to release something that you dont want to deal with?
I get so mad and sad and confused and i come to lay on the sofa. Bruce Springsteen comes to my mind, THE BOSS. I know that he can keep company while i wait for you to back from where you're gone to get away from my and my some what miss leading behaviors.
So the Boss is singing to me, and for that among of time everything is ok and cool.
Free my mind from internal bullshit that i put myself on.
Devils and dust. Confusion and being put in a place where your choices are untenable.And the price that that inflicts in your blood and in your spirit.
So when i'm looking at you, i don't know if i'm seeing if i'm seeing myself. I dont know if i'm seeing my fears...if i'm seeing my highest ideals.
The problem is that i have to know this. I know that i can't be separated from the things that have given my life shape until now. The things that ground me and that i recognize as myself. I'm just trying to survive, and i got God on my side. But what what if what you do to survive kills the things you love? What if what you do to stay alive destroys some part of you. What if what you do, destroys your ideals?
Fear is a powerfully thing (yes it is) it will take your God felled soul and fill it with devils and dust.
Tunnel of love and the issues of identity and love. Like "who am i, and where do i belong and where am i gonna be." So i guess i can say that we all have multiple selves.Thats just the way we are built. The self is a mysterious thing.
I sometimes wonder if i know enough of myself to be honest with that person. But a funny thing happens. Thoughts sift their meanings in your state of mind, in your serenity, in your time. Im just struggling to do right.

Humble me lyrics

Sara says "hoje eu sei eu te amei...faz ele me dizer te amo..."

Let it be ... I love you is not "hey good morning how you doing?"

I am amazed by the fugacities that people have to love. It's amazing how a few weeks that relationship, the lovers have declared themselves in love, make vows of eternal love, declarations for those who want to see and hear. Even more in digital media, and flogs orkuts. Ephemeral "I love you" ...

All well that when you have 15, 16, 17, do you really think that is completely in love with that kid and have never, ever, in no circumstances will no longer be. But when you go over two decades, things change in perspective. Talking "I love you" takes a much larger size. When you say you love someone, you mean absolutely everything to admire in that person. You love the positive qualities, but above all, know the negative and it's still in love. You know those annoying little things on anyone in the world? Well, the beloved little things they are annoyingly beautiful.

Love is not to be blind, but know that no one is perfect for anyone, that everyone is capable (and how!) Mistakes, and that even real love someone you are not free to hurt him. And I think that deep down, everything is based on it: to hurt and be forgiven. Why forgive someone who hurt you the truth, ah, yes it is love.

I've never been a very romantic, or old-fashioned about love, like those who dream of serenades at the window, rose bouquets on common days, statements in the ear, candlelight and all that romantic movies propagate. But I do not believe in love at first sight. Passion yes, but love is much greater.

Love does not appear out of nowhere, and not walk away from nothing. Love is that a post-passion, when you get to know all the defects of the person and still want to continue together. It's when you start thinking in the plural, the singular does not exist. It's when you stop dreaming and start to perform. Love is won. Love is learned, is a constant.

Why say that love is easy, it is difficult to prove. And I do not speak of explicit statements, gifts and passionate kisses. All this has to be a consequence. Love is caring when the person gets sick, watching that boring movie with a happy face, is to bring that sweet tasty in tpm, is to look in the eye and already know what the other person is feeling, you smile just to see him smiling is to embrace and give shoulder to cry without asking anything, is to fight ugly and still want to stick with it, is to feel satistied.

I now propose a motion. Let's fight against the widespread use of "I love you." Because "I love you" is not "hey how you doing"

It's not the pale moon that excites me
That thrills and delights me, or that applenity that i had tonight
It's just the nearness of you

It isn't not an evental sweet conversation from you That brings this sensation,
It's just the nearness of you

When you let me lay my head on your chestand I feel you so close to me
All my wildest dreams come true

I need no soft lights to enchant me.If you'll only grant me the right
To hold you ever so tight
And to feel in the night the nearness of you

Thats all and not too much to ask for....

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Innocent Breath in The Silence of the moments

"Make me pacient when i worry
Make me calm when there is strife
Make me loving when my heart is hard
Make me forgiving when i would be right"

It's not that I can't write about you, it's that I shouldn't say somethings...

You can imagine, then, that it feels something like suffocating [because writing is what i know how to do is express you within and your intimate core.

How do you reconcile the flesh and blood with the voice you have known for years? The way in which you spin words captivated me from the age of "not-yet-woman" until this very moment, when now, past the awkward and the insecure, I am finding myself resting one hand upon your warm cheek and placing a single kiss on your forehead.

So here I am. Every day. Hearing you in my head and seeing you in my mind's eye. Happy and tormented, all at once and together. Wishing that in those long, drawn out moments when we are not together I could abstract myself from you, to spare myself the frustration of remembering that while I barely know you, I miss you. And you're right here, next to me, or in the other room.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

The Grey Areas

"Ana..., when are you leaving?" asks my dearest Sagittarius without even realizing that its the most dreadful question he can ask of me when i come over.
Its as if he's archer is pointed right at my heart and i can feel its way into it.
He says i leave all of my stuff all my issues and thoughts that i don't want to share in the grey area. I display nothing in black and white. Everything is unclear and misty and i live around that grey area hiding away in it. And so i bottle it all up and it ends up coming out of me at the most inopportune times...
I can't make him see that its not planed, i dont do it as a trick or a tool to control him. I do it just plain and simple out of fear. I'm afraid you quit on me, that there is no corner you could squeeze me. And the space between leaves a grey area to keep me safe from the pain. Ok i'll admit it.
When it comes to you i am the weakest i have no power or control over anything i do or say. Thats the reality, not my reality, but the reality im facing, as they say; reality cannot be analyzed or intellectualized it can only be encountered in awarekess and awareness and im not there yet!
We are defined by what we desire, and how we get what we want and how happy we are with what we have. Grey Area is a self-portrait based on levels of wanting, getting and having...recorded hourly over a period of 24 days. The collected data determines the outcome of the final image. Does rasterizing the psyche make the individual appear more discrete, or more generic? hum...that i don't know where it from WTF??!!
Where do I begin?
Well want i wanted to say is that when you come out at me sometimes, the way you do, regardless if you;re right or wrong. Well you leave my heart empty as a vacant lot, for any spirit to haunt.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Crash Into Me



So Much to Say
I say my hell is the closet I'm stuck inside
Can't see the light
And my Heaven is a nice house in the sky
Got central heating and I'm alright
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Can't see the light
Keep it locked up inside
Don't talk about it
Talk about the weather

Yeah, yeah, yeah...
Can't see the light
Open up my head and let me out, little baby
'Cause here we have been standing for a long, long time
Treading trodden trails for a long, long time

I say my hell is the closet I'm stuck inside
Can't see the light
And my Heaven is a nice house in the sky
Got central heating and I'm alright
'Cause here we have been standing for a long, long time
Treading trodden trails for a long, long time

I find sometimes it's easy to be myself
Sometimes I find it's better to be somebody else

I see you young and soft, oh little baby
Little feet, little hands, little feet, little baby
One year of cryin' and the words creep up inside
Creep into your mind, yeah

So much to say
So much to say...

'Cause here we have been standing for a long, long time
Treading trodden trails for a long, long time

I find sometimes it's easy to be myself
Sometimes I find it's better to be somebody else

So much to say
So much to say...

Open up my head and let me out, little baby.

Two Step
Say, my love, I came to you with best intentions
You laid down and gave to me just what I'm seeking
Say, love, you drive me to distraction

Oh, Helena, do you believe that we might last a thousand years
Or more if not for this,
Our flesh and blood
It ties you and me right up
Tie me down

Celebrate we will
Because life is short but sweet for certain
We're climbing two by two
To be sure these days continue
Things we cannot change

Change... oh, I want to change it...

Hey, Helena, you came to me like wine comes to this mouth
Grown tired of water all the time
You quench my heart and, oh, you quench my mind and say:

Celebrate we will
'Cause life is short but
Sweet for certain
We climb on two by two
To be sure these days continue
Things we cannot
Celebrate we will, you and me
Climb on two by two, to be sure
These days continue
Things we cannot change

Oh, Helena, I came to you
With best intentions
You laid down and gave to me
Just what I'm seeking
Say, love, watch me celebrate...
Celebrate we will
'Cause life is short
But sweet for certain
We climb on two by two
To be sure these days continue
Things we cannot change...
Things we cannot change.

Crash Into Me
You've got your ball,
You've got your chain
Tied to me tight, tie me up again.
Who's got their claws
In you my friend?
Into your heart I'll beat again
Sweet like candy to my soul
Sweet you rock,
And sweet you roll
Lost for you, I'm so lost for you

Oh, and you come crash into me
And I come into you
And I come into you
In a boy's dream
In a boy's dream

Touch your lips just so I know
In your eyes, love, it glows so
I'm bare-boned and crazy... for you.

Oh, and you come crash into me
Baby, and I come into you
In a boy's dream
In a boy's dream

And if I've gone overboard
Then I'm begging you
To forgive me
In my haste
When I'm holding you so girl,
Close to me

Oh and you come crash into me, yeah
Baby, and I come into you
Hike up your skirt a little more
And show the world to me
Hike up your skirt a little more
And show your world to me
In a boy's dream
In a boy's dream

Oh, I watch you there
Through the window
And I stare at you
You wear nothing, but you
Wear it so well
Tied up and twisted,
The way I'd like to be
For you, for me, come crash into me
Come crash into me, yeah

Crash into me...
Crash into me...

You know, I'm the king of the castle,
You're the dirty rascal, crash into me.
Please crash into me, baby...

Oh, no no no...
Yes, I see the waves
Come and crash into me.
See the waves come and crash into me.

I'm Not My Name, Im Not My Fears, My Falieurs, My Flaws, My Hair, My Makeup, My Job, Or My Past...

"I am Hope, i am imagination, i am the power to change, to create and to grow.
I am a spirit that will never die. "

You say that one should think carefully before they open their mouth to say something. I Agree.
But even tough, if i might let me just redefine it. You should use your words carefully, because if not, they sometimes can be like a weapon and hurt somebody.
Let me tell you this (and i know that you will shake your head at it) I feel a soul destroying rejecting, every time you point out my flaws to me.
So i have my flaws, yes i do. But does that make me less of a person? Does that put me in a position beneath you? Does it give you a rush and make you feel powerfully when you point them out to me? Does it make you feel Superior and untouchable every time you do that?
Could it be that you can't see me or don't know me beyond my flaws? You don't know whats inside of me?.
Yes i fear your words and the way you look at me when your judging me. Yes it intimidates me. Makes me insecure and clumsy and awkward.
I forget about what i know, my assertiveness, my intelligence. I forget that i am smart about what i know. My ability to be kind and to love.I feel like i have to pretend like i know it all so that you can accept me.
I feel like i'm in a situation where i'm listening well, but i forget to demand to be heard. If i give you, i want to get back!
I can't be like you in so many ways. I haven't been exposed to what you have. I haven't been through what you have been. But i know what i can and cannot absorb. In spite of it all, what i know for sure are my strenghts and my weaknesses. So i can't be where i have to be if im not ready for it.
But im confident that i am intelligent. But in the presence of you i'm like a shrinking violet, because i don't want to look like a fool. Well lets put it this way. I know a little about a lot and a lot about a little.
I do try to be honest in my personal life. I try to be as truthful as i can.
Truth is beauty. That can be a hard thing to say, because some things are not so attractive on the surface. But by owning up to them, we can change them. i know.
Just by speaking them. Even if the first words that come out of my mouth are "well, i have nothing to offer. I'm empty today."
And that is one of the reasons why i say that i am much more then what you see, much more then my flaws that are in the constante spotlight of your eyes when you see me.