Monday, July 26, 2010

If being sane is thinking there's something wrong with being different....I'd rather be completely fucking mental.

When I get logical, and I don't trust my instincts - that's when I get in trouble.

If I didn't have my writting as an outlet for all the different sides of me, I would probably be locked up.

And barefoot or first thing in the morning, I feel beautiful. Because I feel like me. I didn't always feel that way, but I feel that way now. When somebody just loves you, and when you make somebody happy, when your presence seems to make them happy, you suddenly feel like the most beautiful person in the world.

I've been reckless, but I'm not a rebel without a cause.

I think all women go through periods where we hate this about ourselves, we don't like that. It's great to get to a place where you dismiss anything you're worried about. I find flaws attractive. I find scars attractive.

I like someone who is a little crazy but coming from a good place. I think scars are sexy because it means you made a mistake that led to a mess.

Where ever I am I always find myself looking out the window wishing I was somewhere else.

People say that you're going the wrong way when it's simply a way of your own.

Without pain, there would be no suffering, without suffering we would never learn from our mistakes. To make it right, pain and suffering is the key to all windows, without it, there is no way of life.

I'm extremely honest, and I pride myself on it. I don't try to be shocking. I'm playful, and I know when something I'm saying is maybe shocking, but it's just the truth, I never wanted to be scary to people or upsetting to people. I simply want to live the way I need to live.

If I make a fool of myself, who cares? I'm not frightened by anyone's perception of me.

What nourishes me also destroys me.

I don't believe in guilt, I believe in living on impulse as long as you never intentionally hurt another person, and don't judge people in your life. I think you should live completely free.

If you ask people what they've always wanted to do, most people haven't done it. That breaks my heart.

I love to put on lotion. Sometimes I'll watch TV and go into a lotion trance for an hour. I try to find brands that don't taste bad in case anyone wants to taste me.

I wish I could find people who just would fight me and break through to me and hold me down and scream their life into my face.

We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly... Only after we have lost everything, are we free to do anything... Throw things out there and not be perfect and not have answers to anything and see if people understand.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

And even if we never talk again, please remember that I'm forever changed by who you are and what you meant to me.

I'm scared to move on because I'm worried that the second I'm happy with someone else, you'll pop up and ruin it. Ruin it by telling me that you want me, and that you're sorry, and that you like me "kinda a lot," and that you miss me "kinda a lot." I'm worried that I'll get so confused because I'll be so happy with him, but of course I'll still want you, and that will make me start crying all the time, end up losing the best relationship I ever had, just to have you get bored again and move onto some trashy girl. The worst part about all of this? I can see you doing it, because you want me hooked, you want me as an option, even if it is an option you'll never take.

Dear Person who caused me the most pain....

As I sit here looking at this picture of us, I wonder if there will ever
be a day when I will get over your smile. When I will let go of the hugs you gave me, a day that I continue to feel.
A day when I forget the words you said to me. Whatever happens to us, I know I could never get over, let go of, or forget about you.
I remember how tight i used to hold onto him, because i didnt know how long i was going to have him in my arms.

I'm sorry, alright? I'm sorry if I can't get over you at all, no matter how hard I've tried. (well actually i really havent tried. I've blocked you out)
I'm sorry if I just think that liking some other guy will help, when I know it won't. I'm sorry I still try. I'm sorry I'm hurt. I'm sorry I'm broken.

Something in me, just won't let me get over you. I'm so far from it too. there's that big part of my heart sectioned off for you. You have it and it feels like you always will.
I know in the back of my mind that life would be so much easier if I never talk to you again. If I shut you out of my life and moved on, I could finally get over you. But you're the only thing that makes me happy, whether it's right or wrong and I don't have the strength to give up on that.

What do i wanna say?! want do i want my words to say to you? What would my letter be like?!
I picked the person who caused me the most pain to be you. I don't hate you.. as a matter of fact, it's quite the opposite. I love you with all my heart, even though you broke it. I love how most of these letters are going to be for you, when I hope that I look back when I'm done with these and realize how pathetic I'm being.
I want to be over you. Why? Why would I want to love someone who won't give me the time of day anymore? Sure, we're we could still keep in touch as friends, but i just cant do that with you. I've put away all your pictures and deleted all your messeges from my phone. I want to say I'm done. I really do. I want to delete you off those things and when you notice I did, I want you to ask my sisters why. Just so they could say this,
"she blocked you because, if it's not obvious enough, or if your just way too fucking stupid to realize, she's not over you yet. she wants to be so that's what she's gonna have to do. because you don't care for her anymore and she's trying to accept that. she loves you and she doesn't want too."

And today is a bad day...

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Is there something I do that makes you not love me?

What's worse than wanting something you can't have?
It's not knowing what you want. Wishing on all the stars
in the sky for the answers to your questions, for something
to believe in... someone to hold. Having absolutely no
control over yourself, being caught up in a place you wish
you were miles away from. Being stuck somewhere between
the past and the future, nowhere near where you should
be - in the present. Stuck in yesterdays and tomorrows,
so far from home, far from everything you know and love.
The uncertainty could just tear you to bits

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

You Broke my heart!

Now i know i feel this way today...its been two months.
I wish you would just show up on my doorstep. Not with anything special, just you. And when I’d open the door, you’d smile. And while I'm trying to figure out what the hell you’re doing here, you’d tell me how hard the past months have been, how much you’ve thought about me, how much you regretted everything. And then you’d take me into your arms and ask me to forgive you, and I would without hesitation. Then you’d grab my face and kiss me the way you used to,
and everything would be perfect again.A dream of course...
We don't talk anymore. I just can't do it. I wouldn't the sound of your voice. It's like you gave me wings then told me it's illegal to fly.
And Moving on is a violent process. It means breaking up, burning a bridge between the two of you, andshattering a world you once knew so well.
There were times when he caught me, but more times when he let me fall. And it finally came time for me to learn that I could pick myself up off the ground and walk away.
Am I mad? After all we've been through, that's all you've to say? Mad for what? For breaking my heart, for shattering my dreams, for making me think you actually liked me too, Am i mad? Nope, just completely crushed and broken. I can't be mad at you.
And you've always been so good at moving forward that i know you wont notice what you're leaving behind.
And my mind just keeps on sending me thses annoying messeges constantly "If he acts like you're not worth his time maybe you're not what he wants.. you're just a replacement for what he can't have.
When I look around I think this is good enough and I try to laugh at whatever life brings because when I look down, I just miss all the good stuff and when I look up, I just trip over things.
Sometime i feel I like was only there when it was convenient for him. Like i was the gas station sitting there waiting to be visited. There were days when i hated him, and there were days when i was head over heels, too. But none of those days
mattered, because i could never have him no matter how hard i fell.
A broken heart is not what I wanted from this. But I guess I've learned from it(have i?!). But aren't you supposed to learn from your mistakes? I don't consider this a mistake. I just wish the story didn't end this way. Cause I'm still in love with
the person who helped me write it

And in some way, I recognize that I will never be fully over you, and that part of me will always love you. But most of me understands that this doesn't work, and I need to move on to be happy.

This is for the Girl

this is for the girls that quit believing in love all because of one boy who tore their heart in half. this is for the girls who are afraid togive their hearts out; for some day you will find a boy worth giving it to.
she's afraid that after all this waiting, he'll end up with another girl. she's afraid of what hasn't happened yet. and most of all, she's afraid she'll never find someone who could compare to him.

You only find a few people in this world, a few people who will tell you they love you and mean it with all of their heart.Ddon't forget those people who stood by you through it all. Those special few that were there for you until the end.
Because words and hearts are the two things that should be handled with care cause if words are spoken and hearts are broken, they are the hardest things to repair.
And what scaresher the most is knowing that at any moment, you could rip her heart
out of her chest, tear it in pieces, throw it on the ground, then stomp all over it.. and she'd just pick it up, and hand it back to you.

she's one of those girls who doesn't know what she's doing, but she wants to know everything will
be worth it one day. she isn't amazing at one thing, just good at a lot of things, and that's all she'll ever be.
she wishes she could be different, but she lives her life to the fullest anyway. all she truly needs is love
to keep her sane. she looks at her world like it's a book, with pages being read everyday. she's
her own worst enemy and hardest critic. she knows she has flaws and tries to accept them, even
though she knows she never fully will. more than anything, though, she just wants to make a difference one day, and she wants someone
to remember her name.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Im breaking my heart tonight to see whats inside

love is almost like suicide. You give so much to that special someone.. that you
sometimes end up killing yourself inside.
And I'm tired of people saying he's not worth my tears. if he wasn't worth it, i wouldn't still be crying. you don't know it, but that boy changed my world. you'll never know how much he meant to me.

no one will ever really understand how the smile on her face turned into the tears
in her eyes. she said she was just upset,but she'll get over him soon. but no, she
knew it was because the one person she trusted, the one she gave her heart to,broke her. broke her into a million pieces, and now the most important one is missing.

What if i said that you never mattered? that i never lost one moment of sleep?
what if i crushed all your dreams? broke all the promises i swore to keep?
tell me how your life would be if i did to you what you did to me? You gav up on me. You stoped believing in me. You didnt think that i fit the standarts for your new desigh for life.
And i keep thinking about her and wha she meant to you and i start feeling my insignificance when compared to her...and yeah, i'm always on your mind,but only when she's off it. so maybe you think of me when times get rough.and when you're feeling extra lonely for some girls touch, but that's not enough.
And i i want you to look at me like you've never looked at anyone else. i want you
to look at me like i have something other girls don't.
I know im still in denial even tough i say i'm not in denial, i'm trying hard to let go. This is a mistake i'm just going to have to learn from. this situation had a lot morebad than good, and maybe i loved you more than i should.
So girl, holding on to the phone, holding on to this glass. holding on to the memoriesof what didn't last. waiting for better words, they'll never come. so dry
your eyes, it's better now it's done...

But the worst feeling isn't being lonely, but being forgotten by someone you couldnever forget. to look back and see how things used to be, knowing it'll never be
the same and realizing it doesn't matter to him at all because he doesn't miss a
thing. that's the worst feeling-
So this is a cross road.
I believe the most difficult situation you can ever be faced with is deciding
whether you should just move on or hold on a little tighter. move on and maybe you'll lose a chance at the best thing that could ever happened, or hold on and have the possibility of one day being the biggest disaster created-

Sunday, July 18, 2010

This is where it all goes down.

This is what "i don't love you" feels like.

leaving someone behind means you only want the best for him, even if it means
swallowing the sad reality that the best just isn't you.
i wanted to make you proud, i wanted to see you smile. but it wasn't good enough.
and i want you to know, that i have loved you most and it breaks my heart to see you go.
i'm not going to stay here waiting for you to come back to me. i'm not planning on being here when you needme or when it is your time. friendship is not a one way traffic you know. But you know i dont mean it!

the one thing i hate most is saying goodbye. it's never been easy for me. i mean, how do you approach the concept of goodbye? goodbyes are all different. some are for a day, some are for a month. but others are forever. and the concept of forever is hard to accept. it's like hey, i'm never going to see you again, goodbye. it doesn't feel complete. but i think that's what goodbyes are. they're incomplete and you
honestly don't know how long the goodbye will last. it's a part of life.

it's amazing how much somebody can break your heart and still you love them with every broken piece of it.
But after all that's said and done, i still do think
you're amazing, i still cherish every moment i ever spent with you and every smile you brought to my face. i'll forever be thankful that someone like you was brought into my life, even if it had to be taken away too soon,see you were my miracle, you were my fairy tale i got to live.
And the worst feeling isn't being lonely, but being forgotten by someone you could
never forget. to look back and see how things used to be, knowing it'll never be
the same and realizing it doesn't matter to him at all because he doesn't miss a
thing. that's the worst feeling

You're too amazing to ignore

You know people who really know you, i mean that kind of knowing that comes from the inside out. Even if they havent seen you in a long time, if you're going through something in your life they can see right through it.
I saw a very special person the other day. A person that once was a very important part of my life, a person that has known me since i was very young. Well this person look at me and said " I see so much sadness in your eyes. Please take care of yourself"
And he's not the first to say it. Even random people have told me that. My sister (a person who also knows me from inside out) Told me that she didnt know that this break up with have such an impact on me.
Its hard for people who dont about the kind of a relatonship we had to undertsand the dept of it and why its taken a toll on me. He did eat my heart.
what happened to us? you know? i don't know who i am anymore, or how i got here. i misswho i used to be. i wanna have a home again, you know? the "home" i had with him.. the kind of friend-ship and diologue we had. i miss that, and i miss
him. i guess i just miss all of it. does any of that make any sense?
A broken heart is not what I wanted from this. But I guess
I've learned from it. But aren't you supposed to learn from your mistakes? I don't consider this a mistake. I just wish the story didn't end this way. Cause I'm still in love with the person who helped me write it.
I've gone past the anger the "you called me to say you wanted out. well, i
can't say i blame you now. sometimes you've got to fold before you're found out. well thanks for waiting this long to show yourself. because now that i can see you, i don't think you're worth a second glance." To "if i could be an angel, i'd make yourevery wish come true. but i'm only human, just the girl who's loving you." To "one day, you will miss me like hell.and you'll wish you never fucked it up. And one day you'll come running back to what could've been yours -should've been yours. and you'll see that this time around i'm the one not giving a damn and ignoring you.
Its a roller coaster of emotions still.
I know he's decition is finally and that he's letting go. I should do the same...
to let go isn't to forget, not to think about, or ignore.It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret.
Letting go isn't about winning or losing. it's not about pride and it's not about how you appear, and it's notobsessing or dwelling on the past. letting go isn't
blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn't leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. it's not about giving in or giving up. letting go isn't about loss and it's not about defeat. To let go is to cherish the memories, but to overcome and move on. it is having an open mind and confidence in the future. letting go is learning and experiencing and growing. to let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. it's about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain. letting go is having the courage to
accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. it is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. to let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and set yourself free.
Im not ready to let go. I still hope.

Saturday, July 17, 2010


People don't know how to love. They bite rather than kiss. They slap rather than stroke. Maybe it's because they recognize how easy it is for love to go bad, to become suddenly impossible... unworkable, an exercise of futility. So they avoid it and seek solace in angst, and fear, and aggression, which are always there ...and readily available. Or maybe sometimes... they just don't have all the facts.
Anger and resentment can stop you in your tracks. That's what I know now. It needs nothing to burn but the air and the life that it swallows and smothers. It's real, though - the fury, even when it isn't. It can change you... turn you... mold you and shape you into something you're not. The only upside to anger, then...
is the person you become. Hopefully someone that wakes up one day and realizes they're not afraid to take the journey, someone that knows that the truth is, at best, a partially told story. That anger, like growth, comes in spurts and fits, and in its wake, leaves a new chance at acceptance, and the promise of calm. Then again, what do I know?
I'm just a girl with a damaged heart...It's not the kind of thing that ever heals. Well Yeah, it does. It heals. It just heals funny. You know, you more or less walk... with a limp.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Falling in love - Again

A friend calls me and tells me about a new relationship she is in and she excited as can be, tells me that “He is the one!” and “He is perfect for me!” and then proceeds to list all of the positive things of this new found love which perfectly blends in with her personal attributes.

I'ts not unusual to have thses kind conversations between women, well not just women. People are out there looking for the perfect person for their selves and falling in love. Are we really finding the perfect person for us? The answer is a big NO! We're not finding the perfect person because the perfect person for us does not exist at least not in the purest definition of “the perfect person”. What happens is what Sam Keen (Philosopher and Spiritual mentor) so eloquently explains in a quote i read the other day :
Sam Keen is correct; "it is not that we find the perfect person for us rather we learn to see the imperfect person perfectly!" Some call this the “rose colored glasses” phase of a relationship. where at the beginning we seem unable to see attributes of the other person that we might otherwise regard as faults or traits which dont bother us and would normally irritate us.

It's often true, when we are in the first phase of “falling in love” we often do put on the blinders and we do dismiss some aspects of the other person which could be red flags that in the long term could indicate the relationship could have problems. Often times the lil things that we find adorable in the beginning of a relationship are the very same things that drive us nuts in the latter part of the relationship.

When the relationship shifts from “Isn’t that cute” to “if he does that one more time I swear I am going to smack his head on the wall!” it is time for us to step back and take a look at what has happened. What we will find is that we have shifted from seeing the imperfect person perfectly to simply and only seeing the imperfect person and this is what is often the beginning of the end of a relationship.

Ithink that, once we get to the phase of relationship to where all we see are the imperfections of the other person there are often other factors that are contributing to our perspective. It is important for us to take a deep dive and to examine what is going on because sometimes it is just a matter of our perspective and by shifting our perspective we often find that we can re-learn to see the imperfect person perfectly again. When we re-learn to see the perfection of the imperfection of a person we open the doors to falling in love with that person again.

On a larger scale when we learn to see the perfection of the imperfection of all people we find that it is easier to love and be compassionate with everyone. On a very intimate scale, when we learn to see the perfection in our own imperfection we learn to love ourselves on a much deeper level and of course when we love ourselves and all of our imperfections we allow what we need for us, to walk in...

Friday, July 9, 2010

Assumptions are the termites of relationships

“If we all worked on the assumption that what is accepted as true is really true, there would be little hope of advance”

In the relationships in your life how many times do you make assumptions about what people will like or not like, how they will react to an event or something you need to tell them or even what they are thinking, what motivates them, what their desires are?

When we get to know someone and we have been in long term relationship, be that husband and wife, parent and child, siblings, people we work with every day, etc, we tend to believe we know what they think and how they will react.

When we are working on developing a relationship in any way, weather it be mending a broken relationship or doing things to strengthen an existing relationship or developing a brand new relationship if we do things with the wrong assumptions about the other person in place we are very likely to not be successful in our endeavor.

When we are building our relationships if we build on a foundation of assumptions the relationship at some point falters and begins to subside because the assumptions we made were incorrect.

The other thing that happens is maybe we built a great foundation for our relationship, no assumptions were made, the foundation is rock solid, however over the years we assume we know the person so well that we know exactly how the feel, think and react. One might think they are safe to make assumptions in this case however what we often overlook is that people change. We change all the time and what we liked and the way we reacted a year ago may be quite different from the way we think and react today. As individuals we grow and change, if the other person does not recognize the changes and assumes that everything is always the same then the assumptions they make can often begin to unravel the relationship.

Bottom line, weather you are new in a relationship or you are in 40 year relationship it is rarely safe to make assumptions about the other persons, feelings, thoughts, reactions and behavior.

How do we remove our assumptions? The first step is we need to become aware of what we are assuming. Many of our assumptions are so ingrained that we may not even recognize we are making an assumption about someone until we are called on it by the other person. It is critical the health of relationships that we become aware of assumptions that we are making.

Once we are aware of the assumptions we are making, we then need to overcome our assumptions by asking questions. The simplest way to dump our assumptions is to ask questions. Note, if you frame the questions correctly you will come across as caring and loving. Your questions will be received as having a sincere interest in the other person and this will strengthen and in some case revitalize your relationship.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Like a Fenix

Looking back, I see this confident and vibrant woman. She stands tall, she radiates peace and love. She is present and aware, open to all this world has to offer without judgement. I look at her in amazement, in awe. That woman is me, one year ago. I miss her. I need her to tell me that everything will be allright, that she’s still here somewhere in this mess. I need her to guide me back to where I was, for somehow I got lost, trapped in traumatic memories, reliving a painful past.

Being 9 again, bullied by who I think are my friends. Not able to understand how their friendship can turn into anger and vice versa, just like that. Always trying to be a better friend, always trying to gain their approval, their love. Almost 30 years later that trap still works. I still crave love and approval. I still fear rejection. And I still meet the same challenge.

My wise self tells me everything is allright. She tells me this is exactly what I need in order to heal. She tells me that everything that doesn’t root in love is part of the illusion. She tells me that I am loved, that I am whole, that I am part of God’s perfection. She tells me she’s always there to guide me and protect me. And, what I need to hear most, she tells she will rise from this illusion, stronger and wiser, more beautiful than ever, like a fenix from the ashes.

Monday, July 5, 2010

We still had Bora-Bora

I have the date carved on my brain. May 21th...
It feels like its been ages, but i know its pretty recent because i still have the bikini marks from all the sun blessing on those white Siesta Keys beach...To think i will never step foot in them again.
And a key chain that is hard to look at because it has some keys that only i know how important they are. The house keys, the YMCA card and my bikes keys...All of that what my life and i dont have it anymore and i've tried to avoid thinking about it because i dont want to feel the pain that i know i have hidden inside of me.
I've disciplined my conscious to avoid thinking abou him. But my subconcious just wont obey. It keeps playing tricks on me and it hurts.
I cant believe he let me go. I cant believe he gave up on me. I know on what bases our relationship was and i also know that me and him were in different places in the relationship. I know i was ready and i wanted something else, and i know that were he was at was were he wanted to be.
But what about everything else that we had that was good in our relationship? Were did it all go?
The early morning conversations, the bonding times the crawfish, the beautiful moments the are carved also in my memories. Doest that amount to anythinng?
I keep wondering if i cross his mind. I know its childish, but i do. I keep waiting for a messege or a phone call, a sigh that he is still present in my life.
And i dont want to talk to anyone about it. I know what they're gonna say and i dont wanna hear it!
I miss him. He is the one love. My love. My one person to go to.
And sometimes i hate him for giving up on me and other times i miss him so much that the pain makes it hard to breath. And the thought of not seing him ever is just to hard to accept.
He was my everything and that eveything im not gonna find in anyone. And i just want to pick the phone up and call him. But i know i cant.
I feel miserable and i feel lost.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Love is hard to let go of, but so is hate

I did not feel any emotions, no anger or hurt.

Have you ever felt that perfect feeling when you realize that you hold no ties to a certain person anymore? That is what i want to feel. Because i've been there and i know the sweet release it gives you. An unexpected form of closure and a symbol of how far you have come.

There was this person once, that i thought i have really loved. And worse, thought i'd never foget or live without. But one day opportunity came and we were at the same social gattering.
Sitting there, playing cards and video games, I realized I felt nothing towards him- at all. A long time ago, I felt strong passion and affection. That eventually turned to longing and hurt and then anger. The loving feelings were long gone, but the thing I was most acutely aware of was the void of resentment and negative emotions. I have no idea how long it took me to finally get over them, but in civil conversation, I realized that things had come full circle. I finally had my closure.

Perhaps you understand this, but maybe you do not. Last night, after I got home, I reflected on this. Everything seemed to fit into place, all my hate at the time had dissipated. In fact, I almost forgot that I had every really known him well at all. For the longest time, I held onto him in a way that was not for love, but instead for unfinished business. So abruptly, things ended, I never felt settled about that.

It was as though I had been working on a huge puzzle of my life, no matter how far I got in it, something was missing. He held onto the last piece and left this hole that I could not understand. I thought simply being over him would be enough, but it was not. I needed to confront and let go of my hate, I needed to grow up. Last night, exchanging normal conversation like I would with someone I just met- things fell into place.

We no longer know each other, I am neutral towards him and I feel great. Maybe I will never speak to him again, but now I am content with the way things ended up.

Have you ever experienced closure in any form?

Would you be sad or happy to feel no emotions towards someone you once loved?
I feel this way today, but it might be the same tomorrow...

Chose your words wisely if you have the gift of words...

What if one of your greatest strengths is also your biggest flaw
I love playing with words and conveying certain messages, I know how to hint at things without saying them and how to hurt someone in a manner that I cannot be blamed for. It can be good, but at times it is a horrible curse. I am easily provoked and often respond quickly to others. This can lead to me saying meaner things than I intend or causing someone unfair guilt. Unless someone really irritates me, I try to control my words and soften the blow. Yet, if I lose control for even a second, I find my emotions seeping into my words and twisting them into ugly creatures. Words hurt, I know this. I do not mean to be so cruel or heartless, but sometimes I slip up and allow my darker side to tangle with my verbal expression.

One thing I have learned is the importance of thinking before I speak when emotional. Often times, I type up a particularly angry response to someone that targets their insecurities or psychological theories involving what I know of their past without a second thought. I have to force myself to reread it and nine times out of ten, I delete the whole thing and settle for something more polite that gets the point across that I am not pleased without cutting up someone's self confidence.The hardest time to restrain my vocabulary is when someone targets someone close to me. I feel obligated to tear anyone apart who has the ignorance to say awful things about those close to me. I love to point out the hypocritical in others, yet I am learning to use my judgment. High school is always going to be a place of rude things and rumors. Rumors are insignificant to me, I could not care less if someone else finds me interesting to gossip about. As Emily says, "it's so seventh grade to whine about what other people say about you." I think it is a symbol of low self esteem to have to defend yourself against stupid gossip. If someone directly calls you a whore to your face, punch them. If they are making up stories about you, take it as flattery and move on. Fighting battles on rumors and "he said" / "she said" is pointless in my opinion. I only trust what I hear first person. I know people talk about me, but it doesn't concern me unless they say it to my face. I trust my friends enough that I do not feel the need to defend against what others tell them.

Someone told me once that I am the embodiment of harsh truths. She explained that through my ability to express honesty through words and look at things objectively, I tended to highlight the flaws and bad traits in others. I kind of feel bad about this, I know I have attacked my father before in this harsh manner. With the crude ability to filter myself as a child, I painted him a picture of words depicting how awful he was to me. While I acknowledge that he did hurt me, I wonder if maybe I was too cruel in my careful accusations. Since I could communicate, I have been good at figuring out others. I know some of my friends like my objective perspective, my lack of bias. I think it hinders my ability to deal with more sensitive people, because I can be a heartless bitch when necessary.

Do you say cruel things when provoked?

Do you control your words?

Do you have a curse of any sort?

After a comes the dawn

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between ... See More holding a hand and chaining a soul,
and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security,
and you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises, and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead,
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
and you learn to build all of your roads on today because tomorrow's ground
is too uncertain for plans,and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure... That you really do have worth.
And you learn and you learn...With every goodbye you learn

Saturday, July 3, 2010

I´ve Learned...

I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.