Saturday, February 28, 2009

Dont want you to put me on a Pedestal.But i will need you to cherish and not Underestimate me

You are the best expert on your own self
They doubt my feelings. The're skeptical and they say that this can't be love and i don't act like i'm a person that is in love.
Well i say i don't need to be gushing and drew ling and signing on corners to prove that i'm in love.
What i feel comes from inside. From a very private place i don't feel comfortable nor do i like sharing it.
But i get butterflies just like any other girl. I feel like my heart skips a beat when i see him. I laugh for no reason when i'm around him and i feel like i can't keep it all with so much happiness.
But i keep it to myself and might only share it with him. Because that's how i am.
But i'll say it and defie anyone who doubts my feelings are true : Nobody loves more then me. And its unconditional and unselfish and i would never ask to be put on a pedestal. But i will want to be appreciated and cherished for what i'm worth.

Friday, February 27, 2009

The DOs and The DONTs and The WILLs and The WONTs

Every thing is wrong.

There's a picture of me, taken by him while i was in Sarasota and i don't even recognize myself.

Damn I'm even glowing for Christ sake.

Look at me now, if someone was to snap a picture of me right now that poor camera would just explode into tiny little micro pieces on the account of all the negative energy coming out of My pores.

And i wonder why is that that i can't find ways to get out of this place. Well actually i DO know how . But i think that its mostly because i WONT that i stay stuck in this miserable state of mind.

In order to let go of the things that are draining my energy i have to make some difficult decisions and i don't think that I'm quite ready to do so. Either its because i don't have solutions or replacements or its because the solutions and the replacements are not really that attractive.

I think that creating a better life for yourself has more to do with what you remove from it, then what might add to it.

Everything undone, incomplete or unresolved drains your energy. Not being honest with yourself and avoiding conflict drains your energy. Every action you take uses energy, and every action you dont take uses energy.
The things that i know that i need to change and that if i did change would bring so much peace in my life are berried so deep and far away in my mind that i almost act like they dont exist.
But even tough i rather not focus on them. They are a constant in the back of my mind, pushing and shoving their way into my conscious mind.
*What area of my life am i avoiding or neglecting and why.
*What am i worrying about and what am i trying not to think about
*If i eliminate these drains, how would my life change?
Trying to find peace of mind when youre unwilling to make sacrifices can be a real bitch. Ánd it makes sense that it should be like that.
Because we all know that its gonna get worse before it gets better ALWAYS. There can´t be no short cut or D-tour
So no use delaying the digging in the dirt because sooner or later your gonna have to get your hands dirty.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Praying for time

These are the days of the open hand
They will not be the last Look around now,
These are the days of the beggars and the choosers
This is the year of the hungry man
Whose place is in the past
Hand in hand with ignorance
And legitimate excuses
The rich declare themselves poor and most of us are not sure If we have too much
But well take our chances because God stopped keeping score I guess somewhere along the way He must have let us all out to play turned his back and all gods children Crept out the back door.
And its hard to love, theres so much to hate Hanging on to hope when there is no hope to speak of.
And the wounded skies above say its much too late well maybe we should all be praying for time.
These are the days of the empty hand you hold on to what you can, and charity is a coat you wear.
Twice a year this is the year of the guilty man, our television takes a stand and you find that what was over there Is over here.
So you scream from behind your door say whats mine is mine and not yours I may have too much but Ill take my chances because God stopped keeping score
And you cling to the things they sold you,did you cover your eyes when they told you
That he cant come back because he has no children to come back for.
*GeorgeMicheal - GM

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

He's my Soul Mate

I started this log because i wanted to write down what i was feeling and this sounded like a perfect way of doing.
But i notice i find my self shifting from my purpose and directing my thoughts to him. Well i don't think that i can consider it shifting thoughts, because he's part of my life, he's a part of me.
I think that this happens because when things get bad, when i feel like i'm stuck in my darkness the thought of him lights me up.
I'm so spiritually attached to him and i feel that this bond is so unique that neither space of time can take it away. I intuitively always knew about our connection, and the effortless of our communication. Even when it hurts, when when i find want he says to be unfair and hurt full.
But he changed my life and put it in the direction that it is going now.
He made me remember what i was suppose to be doing and who i really was. He knows about how it means to emancipate yourself from mental slavery. Even tough i haven't still gotten there.
I was ever asked to speak about him and to say what it is to me that makes him beautiful, i'd say his spirit is a gift from God.
Most of all he thought me that where ever i go, low or high i have to represent the truth because perception is in no way reality. Perception is not the definition of the truth.and that once you find enlightenment, once the light is turned on, you realize that you've been in the dark.
And i know that i'm still taking baby steps and most of the time i still get set backs and when i think that i'm sure i get tested, i know that there is no way that our flesh understands what God wants a spirit to do.
So i praise him and i treasure him, and i hope that he will always keep me close to his heart.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Your Halo....

I don't think that a date should validate a sentiment or a state of mind.

To me Valentine's Day is just a date. Nothing more nothing less. But damn sometimes its hard to hang on to that belief when you're bullied from every corner and back and forth by what you watch on TV and what you listen on the radio and this all around conspiracy that you see in front of you. Specially if you decide to go outside. Makes its really hard to stand up and make argument about what you think this day should be.

So damn it now this has got me nostalgic bout this whole thing. Makes me think about the one that i love. Makes the fact that he's far away a very very heavy burnen to carry.

I can't be near him, and i can't see him but could you please tell him this? let him know that...

he brings me water, water for my mind. Tell him that i carry him in my smile
Tell him that he heals me and the he knows the real me.
Tell him that i appreciat how he chooses his words wisely when he wants to tell me that i'm not right.
Tell him that i think that he is beautiful that i see the compassion in his eyes.
tell him that whatever it is that he came to teach me, i am here to learn it.
Tell him that he is a beautiful surprise and that
he is always in my head always in my dreams always in my peace....

Valentine's day blues.....Chivalry is DEAD?

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,

Silence the pianos and with muffled drumBring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overheadScribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,

Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves, Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,My working week and my Sunday rest,My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;I thought that love would last for ever:

I was wrong.The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.For nothing now can ever come to any good.
W.H. Aunden

Friday, February 13, 2009

The Mother in Her is The daughter in me, is the son in him

Father :
Its not time to make a change,Just relax, take it easy. Youre still young, thats your fault, Theres so much you have to know.
Find a girl, settle down, If you want you can marry.Look at me, I am old, but Im happy.I
was once like you are now, and I know that its not easy,To be calm when youve found something going on.
But take your time, think a lot, Why, think of everything youve got.
For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not.
Son :
How can I try to explain, when I do he turns away again.Its always been the same, same old story.
From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen. Now theres a way and I know that I have to go away.I know I have to go.
Its not time to make a change,Just sit down, take it slowly.Youre still young, thats your fault, Theres so much you have to go through. Find a girl, settle down,If you want you can marry.
Look at me, I am old, but Im happy.
All the times that I cried, keeping all the things I knew inside,Its hard, but its harder to ignore it.If they were right, Id agree, but its them you know not me.
Now theres a way and I know that I have to go away.I know I have to go.
stay stay stay, why must you go and Make this decision alone?
*cat steves

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Benign Self-compassion or Malignant Self-centeredness

To some degree, we are a reflection of what is around us. We tend to develop belief systems about us based upon what we learn, based on instructions we are given and expectations we encounter. What we don't see is that when we buy into these beliefs we're allowing someone else to rent space in our head.
So before i even start to research about what it means to have love for yourself, i need to know who am i. I need to look at my life and see how much of it have i scripted and how much of it have i allowed to be scripted by others.
I don't want to live off perceptions and expectations of others and let my life be script by them.
How am i suppose to be connected to myself if i'm going be guided my a scrip that is being writen by other peoples views and beliefs? Whos life am i going to be living if i'm conditioned to other peoples approval or beliefs?
My plan is to get to a level where no words can affect me, no opinion can creat instability. No judgement can condition me.
I'm going to get to a state where i can see what's coming from my core and stop whithholding like its going out of style. I'll be the kindest soul and have the bravest heart.
I'll see eveything, i'll see evey part, i'll dig into every thing of which i'm ashamed.
Because i've understood that what i resist persists and speakes louder then i know.
And i'll pratice my ass of until i get it.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Taking it personally

Attempting to manage the emotion of others.

I give away so much power on the account that i take eveything personally. Every argument, every action or non-reacting i take personally.

I've done that for so long. But its not all about me when i'm interacting with others, so why should i see me as the cause of other people's reactions and emotions. I am sole responsible for myself and my own feelings. If i'm not acting intentionally to hurt someone i shouldn't have to take personally how they behave towards me. The feelings that they're going through are the ones that they have created for themselves. Just as they can't cause the reacting of my own feelings.

I behave according to my beliefs my limitations, my fears and emotions. And if i can't see that i stay stuck in trying to manage other peoples emotions. And how am i going to expect to have an authentic relationship between me and the people that i relate to. Because as soon as i try to anticipate someone elses reaction i start shaping my behavior to meet my expectation of their reaction. And that leads consequently to deciet and error in judgment and it makes otheres believe that things are different from what they really are.

Sarasota dreaming....

I miss you.
I miss the bliss silence, i miss the early morning conversations i miss you.
I miss falling asleep to your breathing. I miss your touch when you wake.
I miss waking up to your smile i miss touching your face.
I miss your laughter i miss your stories and the way you make me smile.
"Good morning sweetie!"
I miss riding in the car with you and the way that you touch my knee and look at you.
I miss the way you look at me when i lean over to kiss you.
I miss the way you dance, i miss watching you dance. I miss when you come over to dance with me. Even tough you say " can't dance ;)
With you i know god's face is handsome.

I miss you sweetheart

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Love and me....

I Love really hard. I've loved hard and most of the time i haven't been loved in return.

The way that i love makes my weak. Takes away my power, makes me unactracttive

The way that i have loved gives definitions of me that are far from the reality of what i am.

I overfunction and i hear my doubts selectively.

I can't even blame anyone, because the truth is that no one's been crueller than I've been to me.

I've let them always decide if indeed i'm desirable and let my selflove be so embarrassingly conditional.

I've tried to fit a rectangle into a ball. And blamed myself for their unhappiness, expected to be where they wanted me to be.

So to who do i owe this apoligie? I'm sorry to myself for treating me worse then i would treat anyone.

For ignoring my voices when i should have listened carefully, For being so disassociated from my body,And for not letting go when it would've been the kindest thing.

Its hard to admit this but its true. I have been cruel to myself and have always conditioned by someone elses aproval.

Its the questions, THE QUESTIONS

What do i almost know....?
I almost know that if i really want to i can came out of my fears.
What do i almost feel?
I almost feel the sensation of what it would be or could be like to free myself from the condition that i am right now.
What am i tired of hiding from myself?
That i am living on deniel.
What really happened, tough i act as if it never did?
I haven't organized my life the way i said i was going to.
If i'm gonna say what i really mean i'm going to have to be candid about how i have handled my life till this day, untill this point.

The story under construction....

Ok. I know that even tough i am kinda lost and this is no way to start brainstorming i gotta start somewhere....

Letters to myself.

I know that sometimes my mind is a scary place to be in and its confusing and unorganized but is is how it goes :

Whats on my mind, what have i been thinking about. What are my worries, concerns anger or frustration? Or do the things i think about make me content.

I read on a blog the other day that whatever occupies your mind occupies your time. What you focus on and what you're thinking about is where your energy is at.

And that is totally aplied to me and my life.
What i know for sure is that my mind is wrecked by negative thoughts and i'm not acting on them. I repress my thoughts and i dont face them. Im afraid to dig inside. I try not to analise and chose to live on impulse. And living like this for so long has left me a persom of insecuries and fears.
And as a result i shy away from obsticules i dont face my deamons i sugar quote the reality that is in front of me. I represse it all and breath out of anxiety and frustration.
I dont express what i feel and i dont let people know what i want.
I'm conditioned totally by me fears and i behave accordingly.
So i'm tired, i am tired of this restlessness and i want peace of mind and find happiness. Starting from my core, starting from inside of me

Re-writting the script with the things that i almost know

This is day one, the day that i decided i am going to look inside of my mind and see what is going on there, how dark it is, how bad it really is and what is it that i really need to be doing starting this day to re-write my script.