Saturday, February 28, 2009
They doubt my feelings. The're skeptical and they say that this can't be love and i don't act like i'm a person that is in love.
Well i say i don't need to be gushing and drew ling and signing on corners to prove that i'm in love.
What i feel comes from inside. From a very private place i don't feel comfortable nor do i like sharing it.
But i get butterflies just like any other girl. I feel like my heart skips a beat when i see him. I laugh for no reason when i'm around him and i feel like i can't keep it all with so much happiness.
But i keep it to myself and might only share it with him. Because that's how i am.
But i'll say it and defie anyone who doubts my feelings are true : Nobody loves more then me. And its unconditional and unselfish and i would never ask to be put on a pedestal. But i will want to be appreciated and cherished for what i'm worth.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
I started this log because i wanted to write down what i was feeling and this sounded like a perfect way of doing.
But i notice i find my self shifting from my purpose and directing my thoughts to him. Well i don't think that i can consider it shifting thoughts, because he's part of my life, he's a part of me.
I think that this happens because when things get bad, when i feel like i'm stuck in my darkness the thought of him lights me up.
I'm so spiritually attached to him and i feel that this bond is so unique that neither space of time can take it away. I intuitively always knew about our connection, and the effortless of our communication. Even when it hurts, when when i find want he says to be unfair and hurt full.
But he changed my life and put it in the direction that it is going now.
He made me remember what i was suppose to be doing and who i really was. He knows about how it means to emancipate yourself from mental slavery. Even tough i haven't still gotten there.
I was ever asked to speak about him and to say what it is to me that makes him beautiful, i'd say his spirit is a gift from God.
Most of all he thought me that where ever i go, low or high i have to represent the truth because perception is in no way reality. Perception is not the definition of the truth.and that once you find enlightenment, once the light is turned on, you realize that you've been in the dark.
And i know that i'm still taking baby steps and most of the time i still get set backs and when i think that i'm sure i get tested, i know that there is no way that our flesh understands what God wants a spirit to do.
So i praise him and i treasure him, and i hope that he will always keep me close to his heart.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
I don't think that a date should validate a sentiment or a state of mind.
To me Valentine's Day is just a date. Nothing more nothing less. But damn sometimes its hard to hang on to that belief when you're bullied from every corner and back and forth by what you watch on TV and what you listen on the radio and this all around conspiracy that you see in front of you. Specially if you decide to go outside. Makes its really hard to stand up and make argument about what you think this day should be.
So damn it now this has got me nostalgic bout this whole thing. Makes me think about the one that i love. Makes the fact that he's far away a very very heavy burnen to carry.
I can't be near him, and i can't see him but could you please tell him this? let him know that...
he brings me water, water for my mind. Tell him that i carry him in my smile
Tell him that he heals me and the he knows the real me.
Tell him that i appreciat how he chooses his words wisely when he wants to tell me that i'm not right.
Tell him that i think that he is beautiful that i see the compassion in his eyes.
tell him that whatever it is that he came to teach me, i am here to learn it.
Tell him that he is a beautiful surprise and that
he is always in my head always in my dreams always in my peace....
Friday, February 13, 2009
Its not time to make a change,Just relax, take it easy. Youre still young, thats your fault, Theres so much you have to know.
Find a girl, settle down, If you want you can marry.Look at me, I am old, but Im happy.I
was once like you are now, and I know that its not easy,To be calm when youve found something going on.
But take your time, think a lot, Why, think of everything youve got.
For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not.
How can I try to explain, when I do he turns away again.Its always been the same, same old story.
From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen. Now theres a way and I know that I have to go away.I know I have to go.
Its not time to make a change,Just sit down, take it slowly.Youre still young, thats your fault, Theres so much you have to go through. Find a girl, settle down,If you want you can marry.
Look at me, I am old, but Im happy.
All the times that I cried, keeping all the things I knew inside,Its hard, but its harder to ignore it.If they were right, Id agree, but its them you know not me.
Now theres a way and I know that I have to go away.I know I have to go.
stay stay stay, why must you go and Make this decision alone?
Thursday, February 12, 2009
So before i even start to research about what it means to have love for yourself, i need to know who am i. I need to look at my life and see how much of it have i scripted and how much of it have i allowed to be scripted by others.
I don't want to live off perceptions and expectations of others and let my life be script by them.
How am i suppose to be connected to myself if i'm going be guided my a scrip that is being writen by other peoples views and beliefs? Whos life am i going to be living if i'm conditioned to other peoples approval or beliefs?
My plan is to get to a level where no words can affect me, no opinion can creat instability. No judgement can condition me.
I'm going to get to a state where i can see what's coming from my core and stop whithholding like its going out of style. I'll be the kindest soul and have the bravest heart.
I'll see eveything, i'll see evey part, i'll dig into every thing of which i'm ashamed.
Because i've understood that what i resist persists and speakes louder then i know.
And i'll pratice my ass of until i get it.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Attempting to manage the emotion of others.
I give away so much power on the account that i take eveything personally. Every argument, every action or non-reacting i take personally.
I've done that for so long. But its not all about me when i'm interacting with others, so why should i see me as the cause of other people's reactions and emotions. I am sole responsible for myself and my own feelings. If i'm not acting intentionally to hurt someone i shouldn't have to take personally how they behave towards me. The feelings that they're going through are the ones that they have created for themselves. Just as they can't cause the reacting of my own feelings.
I behave according to my beliefs my limitations, my fears and emotions. And if i can't see that i stay stuck in trying to manage other peoples emotions. And how am i going to expect to have an authentic relationship between me and the people that i relate to. Because as soon as i try to anticipate someone elses reaction i start shaping my behavior to meet my expectation of their reaction. And that leads consequently to deciet and error in judgment and it makes otheres believe that things are different from what they really are.
I miss the bliss silence, i miss the early morning conversations i miss you.
I miss falling asleep to your breathing. I miss your touch when you wake.
I miss waking up to your smile i miss touching your face.
I miss your laughter i miss your stories and the way you make me smile.
"Good morning sweetie!"
I miss riding in the car with you and the way that you touch my knee and look at you.
I miss the way you look at me when i lean over to kiss you.
I miss the way you dance, i miss watching you dance. I miss when you come over to dance with me. Even tough you say "baby...you can't dance ;)
With you i know god's face is handsome.
I miss you sweetheart