Monday, August 30, 2010

The pursuit of love gets mixed up with the pursuit of life."

To those of you who have pushed me - thank you. Without you, I wouldn't have fallen. To those of you who have laughed at me - thank you. Without you, I wouldn't have cried. To those of you who just couldn't love me - thank you. Without you, I wouldn't know what real love is. To those of you who hurt my feelings - thank you. Without you, I wouldn't have felt them. To those of you who left me lonely - thank you. Without you, I wouldn't have discovered myself. But, it is to you I thank the most, because without you, I never would have tried.

I should hate him for the ways he's treated me. Except that I don't. I wish I did. I wish I could. Maybe that's what real love is; not hating someone when you have every reason to

Well, I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did. And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did and I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did. And you didn't mean to hurt me, but you did.

We run back to each other when it's convenient. We know that in the end, we're meant for each other but not for right now. So we play these games, act like we're okay when one of us has someone else. When in reality it tears us apart to know that we can be happy with someone else. But it's that slight hope that we will end up together that always keeps us running back for more.

Friday, August 27, 2010

I could really use a wish right now

I couldn't stay away.I tried.I tried so hard but he broke heart
Every morning my thought goes to him, and he stays in her dreams when the world gathered its blanket of darkness.
"I've made him something near perfect," i told myself. "But dreams settle a body down better than nightmares
And I guess that's when I finally understood. I'd been part of his life, a past i wanted to forget. And now... there's nothing to do... but go. Only I didn't. I couldn't. There are things in life that matter, things in the past which can't be denied. he was part of me, and I was part of him. And no matter what, for as long as we live... I know I can never let him go
And i want him to know this without me having to say it. I've said and done so much!
i want him to know that different or weird, she's unique; she's special. Don't take that for granted, because it was that special something that caught your eye in first place.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Dear Nathen

I'm so disapointed in myself for still having feelings for you - after everything. Even knowing the differences between us doesn't stop me from wanting to be with you. I know i confused you when i said i didn't want to ever hear from you but you have to understand, I dont know how to be a part of your life as a "friend". you don't believe in the things that are important to and define me.. But that doesn't change the way you make me feel. and thats the scary part. its scary because we come from totally different worlds and there would be a day when those two worlds would collide, and they did. I mean, i was so willing to give myself away to you completely and i don't think i ever understand that you not like like me or you were not as willing. You wanted things from me that i didnt how to give. and in a moment of strength, you were able to walk away before i could seriously get hurt. But if you hadn't put a stop on it, i know i would never want to say no and i'm not going to give myself the chance to let that happen. i'm young and i don't trust myself to say no.. especially in those moments when we were so close and you werent afraid to give yourself to me, for just a lil bit and holding me. Of course, i want it to end.

so thats why i did what i did. i'm praying for you because i want you to find God so badly. then everything would be perfect. it wouldn't change everything right away; that takes time. but there would be some safe ground, you know? common values. thats key for me Nate. i'm sorry it has to be so complicated. i wanted do much to understand you better.. all the love aside that i felt for you, i think we could actually have had something unique and long lasting, but we where not on the same level of though or state of mind and i cant blame you for that. i think i can be strong enough to be a friend for for you one day. But dont ask that from me now. i'll try.But not just yet. I still can get over the fact that you just gave up on me.
Life without you is a living nighmare...i miss my love, i miss my best friend i miss my parter i miss that one person that i could share my everything with. And you cant just put that to the side and hope it dissapears by it self. It doesnt get to happen that way...