Sunday, November 29, 2009
I'm not in the mood to serenade sorrow, I'm not here for that, its not me anymore.
There was a time that I could get by but this was once upon a lie.
This riht here is a dialogue with my mind,a much needed conversation:
I'm not sure what worries me more, The fact that I'm talking to a wall
Or that the wall keeps answering me,saying that I've heard it all before.
Never underestimate how complicated a simple life can be.
You've gotta keep it together.You've gotta keep it together so I can fall apart
I know you've grown tired of trying to feed me and I know by now my reputation precedes me.
I know you've grown tired of trying to fix me but i also know by now my best years, they are yet tocome.
But right now, i'm in a dark place and i can't figure out how to reach the light.
Maybe i started messing with what i shouldn't have. But you didn't worn me, you didnt give me the signal that i wasn't read to take it in. Why would you do that to me? Remember when we read somewhere "when you're ready the teachers will appear"?!
Well maybe i wasn't ready. But you thought that you could teach me a lesson and just throw me out there into the limb. Is it because you know me so well,you think that its the only way that i get things movin?
But regardless, i still think that i've been messing where i shouldnt be messing and now i fell into the dark and i know that 'm going to have to stay here untill i get it fixed in order to find the light. Your've forced me into this, you set me up for it and now i have no choise but to deal with it.
I didnt know i hadso much pain inside of me and now i feel all its heavy burden weight on me.
My pain reaches beyond the physical realm, its the kind of deep pain that can only be found in your heart.
Anything that is so explosive and tender, so passionate and deep, so simple and yet so complex is going to leave behind a mark; and it's going to hurt. It's a powerful thing and when you go and touch on a wound that you toke for granted or didnt take serious it affects everything that you are. Because it was always from the beginning a serious thing to recon with, you just didnt wnat to recon with it. Pure and simple.
there are certain things in my life that I must take care of, so I can't act on alot of other things before i handle these other things, believe it or not.
It hurts to hold yourself back when all you want to do is let go but,certain beliefs would just be too harmful to yourself if you just try to ignore them. It is unfortunate that in this world love isn't the only thing that matters, it is hard but there are other things to consider before you get yourself out there exposed. You need to establish what is most important to you so that if ever you fall in the darkness you don't lose yourself in the emotion. You don't lose who you are. Know what you believe and what you want and don't waver from that. At the time it may seem stupid and one of the hardest things you've ever had to do but in the end you won't regret keeping your standards.
I know,i know, but right now while i dwell in the dark, there is this constant state of insecurity, sadness and fear. I feel lost and i cant help myself.
I wish i could recover the dignity that i let go in replacement of things that i though were importante to me.I feel guilty for allowing myself to fall for that. I wish i had been more aware, more protective of my spirit and my soul. But i wasn't.
I spent too much time acting on fear and fear has left a holein me that i gotta find a cure for. I dont want to be in this dark side of the moon.
Friday, November 27, 2009
I miss you, i miss you like you couldn't believe. Like if i told someone about they would say it couldn't be.
miss you when something really good happens, because you are the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you are the one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry because i know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you most when i lay awake at night and think of all the wonderful times we spend with eachother;for those are some of the best times of my life.
you are part of me. That's the way it was meant to be. People are brought together for a reason, everything happens for a reason.
How do i hold on? its hard its painfull and im a sad person away from you.
So i cant wait to be alone so that i can get inside my mind and find you there.
So it begins....
The feeling of love, it starts as a small seed planted in the pit of your stomach and each day, it grows and grows until your entire body is submerged in this indescribable feeling.I never want it to stop growing. It gets so bad that I can hardly get enough of him, it honestly hurts until I finally am back with him.
And there are absolutely times I look at him and am so in love with him that it does hurt—not in a bad way, just as if my heart is so full it’s having a hard time containing all the love I feel. It’s amazing and wonderful and frightening but so very worth it, because you find out who you are and what you’re capable of.
I miss him and i wish i could tell him without him feeling suffocated by it
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Music to me is form of art and expression and one wich is not thought or aquired, your're either born the gif or not
And i admire musicians for this. Their ability to create and move and inspire us.
So music thouchs me in all sorts of ways and is one of my favorite companions. And this song "Mr Bojangles" is one of the saddest, most soul hurting, and yet most accurate form of display of dignity and joy for life, and if its sang by Miss Nina Simone...all you can do is sit and listen in silence.
"I knew a man Bojangles
And he danced for you
In worn out shoes
With silver hair, a ragged shirt
And baggy pants, the old soft shoe
He jumped so high,
He jumped so high,
Then he lightly touched down
Mr. Bojangles, Mr. Bojangles,
Mr. Bojangles, dance!
I met him in a cell in New Orleans,
I was down and out
He looked to be the eyes of age as spoke right out
He talked of life,
He talked of life,
He laughed, slapped his leg a step
He said his name, Bojangles,
Then he danced a lick across the cell
He grabbed pants of better stants,
Then he jumped up high, he clicked his heels
He let go a laugh,
He let go a laugh, shook back his clothes all around
Mr. Bojangles, Mr. Bojangles,
Mr. Bojangles, dance!
La-dee da da...
He danced for those at minstrel shows
And county fairs throughout the south
He spoke with tears of 15 years
How his dog and he traveled about
His dog up and died, up and died,
After 20 years he still grieved
He said I dance now at ev'ry chance
In honky tonks for drinks and tips
But most of the time
I spend behind these county bars
He said 'I drinks a bit'
He shook his head
And as he shook his head
I heard someone ask "Please!"
Mr. Bojangles, Mr. Bojangles,
Mr. Bojangles, dance!
La-dee da da...
Dance! Dance! Dance!"
Sunday, November 15, 2009
They say ignorance is bliss. Yeah but they also say that knowledhe is power, so where do we stay? or, where do we want to stay?!
Well me sometimes i want to stay in the dark and other times i want the headlight on me. (i might react like a dear tough in the middle of the road with the cars headlight on me!LOL)
But what defines our nature and the we way think and process what goes on in our minds.
Most of us are introverts or extroverts by nature, but we all display either introverted or extroverted personality characteristics at different times.
For instance, you may be an introvert in a group of strangers and an extrovert at home with your family. However, most people exhibit stronger tendencies one way or another, towards either the introvert or extrovert side of the spectrum.
From what i read recently, introverts have an inward focus and aren't usually the life of the party. They have a strong sense of self that can make them feel highly self-conscious around other people – making walking into a crowded room a little nerve-wracking. Introverts have a hard time being goofy in front of the camera and telling jokes to more than a couple of people at a time, but they can be extremely witty. They're less "Larry, Curly, and Moe" and more Woody Allen - but that doesn't mean introverts' personality traits are neurotic.
Introverts process their emotions, thoughts, and observations internally. They can be social people, but reveal less about themselves than extroverts do. Introverts are more private, and less public. Introverts need time to think before responding to a situation, and develop their ideas by reflecting privately. Introverts' personality traits can be passionate, but not usually aggressive.
Introverts can focus their attention more readily and for longer periods of time, and they aren't easily swayed by other people's opinions.
Some introverts aren't stereotypically shy and can strike up conversations with anyone. These introverts enjoy talking and listening to people, and going to parties and events. But most introverts would rather be at home. Introverts can find small talk easy but tiring – and sometimes boring. They'd rather have meaningful conversations about the depths of human souls and minds, but find few opportunities (those aren't your usual conversations at water coolers or dinner parties!).
An introvert's personality traits aren't necessarily tentative or hesitant, but introverts do prefer to think before they act. When introverts are ready they take action!
To Introverts sometimes being with people is draining. After a day filled with people or activities, introverts tend to feel exhausted and empty. To recharge their batteries introverts need to be alone reading, daydreaming, painting, any solo activity fills them up again. This doesn't mean introverts have to live alone in a cave in the hills ; they just need quiet time to come back to themselves. The energy source for introverts is from within.
Introverts don't necessarily have a fear of intimacy – but they can be more difficult to get to know than an outgoing, friendly extrovert. Dating and relationships for introverts can be challenging.
so what are you? i think that im a lil of both, it dependes on the circumstances im in and the people i'm with.
I miss you...
Your face, the reason i smile when i think that no one is watching.I'll always love you, i hope you'll feel the same for me one day.
Transforme like into love. I wish you knew the way that love can be when you are not with me.
Maybe i should've showed you better days, better times, better nights...but sometimes i dont know better. I wish that i had the ability in me to show you the way to listen to the way I feel when love can change you and arranges you
Heaven bless the day God sent you here.Hoping that love don't disappear
Feel you in ways I can't understand and missing you in ways i wish were easier.
Something always brings me back to you.It never takes too long.
Because you hold me without touch.You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.But you're on to me and all over me.
Dont misunderstand me 'cause sometimes i cant be anything but fragile.
When then I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone. But then out of no where comes a side of me that only comes out in your presence and that is a side of me that onl you can see and i wonder if im being selfish for hiding that peace of me from everybody else and are only willing to share it with you.
But what if i am. I dont care...its someting between you and me and nobody else, because intimicy should be whispered. And what we have that only you and i undertsand is for yours and mine eyes and ears and senses and touch. Its our private world. And i'm not willing to let the door open and expose it no no one. No matter what intentions they might have.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Oh just look at you. Whiners and spoilt brats (including me!)
Dwelling on your misery, looking like ATLAS (cuz you act like you carry the world on your shoulders)
Counting the cost of your desire to be seen
I do not count myself among you (but i do)
I may be living in a dream
It's just there seem so many of you
Can't help but hope
There's a difference between....you and me. Or is it me?
Maybe your mama gave you up boy
(it's the same old same old)
Maybe your daddy didn't love you enough girl
Never forget your secret's safe with me
Just look at all the wonderful people around you
Trying to forget they had to put up with what you become and turned yourself into
It's a dream
With a nightmare stuck in the middle
But where would you be
Without all of that attention
You'd die. We'd die wouldn't we
Talk about your mother, talk about your father
Talk about the people who have made you what you are
Talk about your teacher, the bully boy who beat you
Did you get off on a bad foot, baby? Do you have a little tale to tell
Is that why you're a the way you are? Is that what makes a whiner?
Nothing comes for nothing, baby. The things you complain about and the things that others have that you poor lil thing dont aren't heaven sent
And who gives a fuck about your problems, darling when you can pay the rent
How much is enough?
Monday, November 9, 2009
The other day the person that i love, sent me an article for me to interpret and give my opinion about. It Was about stress.
And it started with a quote by Woody Allen that said "I can't express stress.I grow a tumor instead". Honestly it caught me off guard i thought it was a shocking and horrible thing to say. But then i read the article and...it was as if it had a domino affect on me. So i decided to explore what i always considered as a whim of people that coudn't control themselves. Neveras a desease. So this is what i learned.
and want to knowmore about.
Let's face it. When you're stressed, it's not just in your head. The key to handling your stress and your bodies' reaction to stress is self-management. Understand that stress is just a word (but a dangerous one if taken serious).I´m trying this new thing now wich is, i try to take the time to recognize how i feel when i´m "stressed" as well as relaxed. I know It's Not Just in Your Mind
Stressed? Just hearing the word can make your body react. Think about it.
Sojourner Truth said, "It's the mind that controls the body." Stress begins and ends in the brain.
I was reading an article that was explaining how stress is processed by your body and mind. So i said that for exemple, that you just noticed a big, ugly bug crawling next to you. Your stress response would kick in. The stress response begins in your brain. Your brain kicks it up by sending messages to the body. Your body responds by producing cortisol and norepinephrine. You've heard of "fight or flight"? As you are deciding what to do about the bug, your body is in automatic pilot. Blood sugar or glucose gets released into your bloodstream, your blood pressure increases, and your heart starts pumping. This is all good; the acute stress response is working. You make a decision about the bug, and move on. Your body slows back down to normal. So what i understood from it is that acute stress is not all bad. Sometimes you need a jolt of adrenaline to enhance your awareness, make it through a challenging project or give you the "energy" to make a decision.
But then there's Chronic Stress, wich is a different story. Unfortunately, most of us walk around in a state of chronic stress and we don't even know it. Our muscles are tight, nerves on "edge" and feel ready to snap. Sound familiar? To me it does. It comes in all sorts of sighs that we might not even be aware of. In a state of Chronic Stress, your brain is constantly firing, messages to your body it tries and tries. Your blood pressure goes up, the heart beats faster, muscles tire, and patience wears thin. Chronic Stress can kill you. It contributes to chronic diseases like Diabetes, Hypertension, Ulcers, Anxiety, and Depression. Your immune system is affected and leaves your more susceptible to colds and the flu.
We often refer to stress as an emotion, but it is actually a much more complicated phenomenon. Stress is, in fact, a complex mix of emotional, physical and behavioral responses. Feeling "stressed out" is your body's way of saying, "I cannot cope with this challenging situation."
But stress is not always just a result of something negative happening to us. It can be something that takes us out of our usual routines, or something that creates more responsibility or work for us—even something very positive and exciting, like planning a trip, or getting ready to do something that you've been longing to do for a long time.
Having some level of stress is a necessary and positive thing. Stress can be motivating and can enhance your performance. Eather at your job or at any social activity.
But too much stress is a bad thing. Chronic stress causes health problems such as high blood pressure and heart disease, as well as immune deficiencies, which can make it harder for your body to fight infections. Chronic stress also causes memory and concentration problems, and can lead to depression and anxiety disorders.
Most of life is not "completely great" or "horribly bad." But when we are stressed, we are more likely to think in extrems. These kinds of thoughts often include the words "always" and "never." For example, you might tell yourself, "I will never feel good again!" Or, "Bad things always happen to me!"
Are either of these statements really true? The answer will always be in you, that is if you are willing to listen to your body and to your mind.
This is me. I got all these lil whims. I have needs that cannot be met or satisfied.
Im stubborn, i know. Hipochondriac.
Rageful when i feel i'm being attacked. I dont eat onion, cuz i might have to french kiss in a lil while.
When i'm not at the drivers seat, the only option is passenger side, next to the driver. I dont impose myself on no one. Wont definitely implore affection on no one.
I'm very private about my relationships, i'd rather keep it to myself.
Dont have many friends. Dont want to anyway because you gotta be very smart about who you chose to share your secrets with.
So yeah, i'm a pain in the rear, very bitchy at times, but hey won't i stand in the way of no one that doesn't wanna be bothered. I'll only bother the ones that don't think i'm a pain in the ass and actually like my company.
Oh yes i think that some of the times i am a peace of work. But i guess its just like you having a Rolls Royce : if you dont want to pay the high price of maintenance, you should ride a passat instead!
I've been cracking my head recently, whining about my sadness that I've been hiding through smiles and laughter with friends and officemates. I think that ultimate happiness is a myth untill you truly understand its meaning. But untill you do, such bliss can only be experienced momentarily, and one only has the right composure and well-made mask to seal his melancholia. Sadness is something we feel involuntarily and no matter how much we philosophize that loneliness is a state of mind. the mere fact that we think of it as such just re-affirms that we are actually sad.
It's difficult to understand that the purpose of living this world is to achieve happiness, and we all have these fantasies and own means and processes to reach that point. The bottomline of all these ambitions and passions is to unearth cloud nine.
We say there are enough reasons to be happy. We have our family, our home, our job, our money ... the fact that we are breathing is enough to put a smile in our faces. But we are too human to be contented: we must dream. And we will spend our entire lifetime searching for our purpose. And the stark reality is we will lurk on our unsatisfctory selves most of our time.
Nothing in this life is simple. Nothing is boring. The fact that you want to escape the state of "boredom" is a challenge on its own. And contemplation means ticking your brains out, bursting your brain cells to come up with something. When we envision a simple life, we are actually dreaming og something grandiose. What we normally say, at most times to cover our projected wisdom and positive self-image, isn't entirely what we really want to say. We mustn't entirely believe every spoken word, every written term. The heck, mine may be entirely different from what I really want to mean, but the sure thing is, we are continuously searching, cracking our own codes.
So, where am I? Ah, sadness. And we have different ways of coping up. Mine happened to be playing with words
Friday, November 6, 2009
vows of submittion ... Can i have it like that? You got it like that!
I can iron your vest if you want to, The one that you don't wear cuz its wrinkled.
I´ll soe your stockings, for when winter comes...
I'll cover you with my Rain Cout, i wouldnt want to see you wet.
If it gets real cold at night, i could cover him with my body's heat.
And you'll see how velvet skin, thats now cold, comes so fresh in the summer time
And when outum comes...i'll dust off the leafs from your porch so we can lay beneath all those planets.
My sent will cover you with lil touches of lavander. There's another women in me (secret) some of ém ninfets and in my body only you and lightweight dresses, to be taken by total desire to dream.
But when it is time for me silence and go tough I know that suffering, I'll leave you far from me.
I am not embarrassed to ask for his love (charity), but will it protect my dignity?
I won´t leave (not even willing) a photograph.
Only the cold, the planets, ninfetas and all my poetry) ) )
"Nossas dúvidas são traidoras e nos fazem perder o que, com freqüência, poderíamos ganhar, por simples medo de arriscar"
"o problema é que quero muitas
então pareço exigente."
"é melhor mesmo continuar escrevendo
essas frases curtas, que assim amontoadas,
dão um ar de coisa, coisa pensada,
e nem é, sabe? nem é importante..."
"tem a premência de salvar, mas não é uma bóia,
não provoca epifânias, e por isso nem é inspiração.
não provoca nada."quantos dias perdi você,
olhando para mim,
dentro do seu corpo.
"sinto-lhe como ponte elevadiça.
entro e saio.
jamais ao lado.
somente em cima."
e nunca comuns.
comuns são os casais,
nós não somos nada."
"não mais delirar,
nem sentir no corpo
esse seguir sem descanço,
atrás de sutilezas que não
podem ser descritas."
"a culpa não é sua, nem minha.
mas serei eu a que irá arder nas chamas,
porque bruxos não existem."
"Uma pessoa olhando para um celular que não toca - não há cena mais idiota. Os celulares foram justamente inventados para que ninguém precise mais ficar aguardando uma ligação ao lado do telefone."
"Existem pessoas que tornam a tolerância tão difícil, que esta deveria ser considerada praticamente em superpoder"
"Acho sim, que, às vezes, dou trabalho.Mas é como ter um Rolls Royce: se você não quiser ter que pagar o preço da manutenção, mude para um Passat."