Friday, July 24, 2009

One day I’ll introduce myself and you’ll see you’ve not yet met me

I'm not threatened, by every pair of legs you watch go by
I don't cringe when you stare at women (even tough u think i do),i know it's just a thing called guy.
I don't notice your side ways glances even toug i know where your loyalty lies

I'm a lil bit jealous but it don't moved me much.
I'm not enraged, Not insecure as such cuz rational stays in touch quite often
Doth I protest too much?

I'm not needy, I don't get clingy much . I'm a lil scared sometimes that tou'll find someone more interesting then me.But 'm not dependent, cuz rock solid, stays in touch.
I might spend some energy trying to to prove to you who I can't possibly be and to prove I'm not who you hate for me to be.
And Doth I protest too much?
There were days when i thought that there were Such a difference between who I was and who you saw in me and conclusions you come to of me routinely incorrect .
It use to make me crazy i use to think that you were resisting to a mirror I felt screaming from your body. And use to say to myself :
"One day I’ll introduce myself and you’ll see you’ve not yet met me"
There was nothing as as harrowing As how I translated your reaction to the way i acted or the things that i said.
My goal? is to be unselfconcious.Even tought i think you can nerver be.There is always that lil voice in the back of your mind nagging you yakdy yack yack. But basecally to lose yourself. But im much too self concious to be able to be that. I hate this .......but its almost like a curse,( something that i have always had ever since a child)by seing myself walk down the street, instead of being in the street you know?

But you know (speaking to self) in all fairness to myself, things have been worse for me here. There was a time when if you wanted to, i could with the blink of the eye tell you detail by detail 8 easy steps of how to make people run from you or be as nervous as a hooker at a church.
I'd do things such as ....
Stay paralyzed by fear of abandonment, defer to men in solveable predicaments, try to control someone to be a carbon copy of you and have that not work and have them run away from you.
Or How to keep people at arms length and never get too close.
How to mistrust the ones who supposedly love the most. How to pretend you're fine and don't need help from anyone.
How to feel worthless unless you're serving or helping someone.
That was me.
I'could you all this in 8 easy steps a course of a lifetime you'd never forget
and show you how to in 8 easy steps.
I use to think "I'll show you how leaderships looks when taught by the best"

I've been doing research for years. I've been practicing my ass off. I've been training my whole life for this moment I swear to you
Culminating just to be this well-versed leader before you, so please allow me to introduce myself.
Oh and...
How to lie to yourself and thereby to everyone else. How to keep smiling when you're thinking of banging your head on something hard just to avoid going within.
How to stay stuck in blue by blaming them for everything.

Yes that was me a long lonf time ago, but that was then and this is now.
So please allow me to introduce myself. I'm a woman of substance and taste and so Let me please introduce myself. My name is courage. And yes i'm bold enough to call myself that.Cuz Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.
There, i´ve said it

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The uncertain old man whose real existence was the simplest of his enigmas

"A noisy city with houses having mirror walls rose up...a name he had never heard, that had no meaning at all, a supernatural echo in his dream :MACONDO "

Anybody who is interested in good literature and has appreciation for writers who have the ability to play with words and a kind of vocabulary that would seam personally created by him. This is him. A brilliant storyteller, witch his writing is a tribute to both the power of the imagination and the mysteries of the human heart. That is Cabriel Garcia Marquez, or as is friends like to call him, GABO.
The first time i saw him, was on T.V. and it was on an interview in which he was talking about what writing meant to him and what was the stories behind the books that he was writing. I fell in love with that man's words, i wanted to be in the place of the journalist who was having that privilege of talking to him.
In Gabo’s world, where flowers rain from the sky and dictators sell the very ocean, reality is subject to emotional truths as well as physical boundaries. It is a world of great beauty and great cruelty; a world where love brings both redemption and enslavement; and a world where the lines between objective reality and dreams are hopelessly blurred. It is a world very much like our own. But the difference is that most of us can't put it in words like he can, the pictures and imagines in his mind and imagination come from a place where to us it doesn't cross our minds.
I speak for myself because even tough i loved hearing him talk about his imagination and how he creates the fictionary characters and how he elaborates for us the facts as he sees them, for me it was very hard to interpret in his literature. I felt ignorant the first time i pick up a book of his to read. I couldn't understand the language and i knew that the wrong wasn't in his writing, but yes in my ignorance and incapacity to translate to my mind what he was trying to say.
Its like he has a kind of way of telling a story in a codified way that only those who as worthy can unlock it and interpret it.
But still i love him and i love his quotes which i will just display only a few, because if i were to write down all of his words of wisdom, i'd have to create another blog, just for GABO.

“Nobody deserves your tears, but whoever deserves them will not make you cry.”
“What matters in life is not what happens to you but what you remember and how you remember it.”
“It is not true that people stop pursuing dreams because they grow old, they grow old because they stop pursuing dreams.”
“She discovered with great delight that one does not love one's children just because they are one's children but because of the friendship formed while raising them.”
“He who awaits much can expect little.”
“The heart's memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good.”
“...human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves.”
“The interpretation of our reality through patterns not our own, serves only to make us ever more unknown, ever less free, ever more solitary.”
“Ultimately, literature is nothing but carpentry. With both you are working with reality, a material just as hard as wood.”
“The heart's memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good; and thanks to this artifice we manage to endure the burdens of the past.”
"A famous writer who wants to continue writing has to be constantly defending himself against fame."


Saturday, July 11, 2009

Private Party

You teach what you most nead to learn.
I have for a very long time had issues with weight. It conditions my behaviour, it affects my self esteem, it its the vehicle that drives me back and forth.
I know that because i can detail all behaviour when i gain weight and i cant detail it too when i loss the weight. Its one of my toughest battles and its one of my hardest issues to deal with. But of course, the fact of the matter is that the issue is not the "weight" it self but the reason for the emotional instability that leads to and causes this constant weight battle.
About two years ago i came up with this solution that i might have read or heard of and i thought, from now on this is how I’m going to deal with my body image and and makes it the rules and conditions to be a happy person.
So i decided that i was going to have a private party. And i said i'm having' a private party and I’m going to learn how to love me, Celebrate the woman the woman that i am. yeah! I said i gotta Gotta find the joy inside of me I'm gonna take off all my clothes look at myself in the mirror
We're gonna have a conversation and we're gonna heal the disconnection. I don't know when i started to feel this way about my body but this is where it's gonna end
My body is beautiful and sacred and I'm gonna celebrate it.
To me was all those intentions where honest and i thought that was a pure approach. I tough damn, all my life I've been looking for somebody else to make me whole. But If i have to learn the hard way then that's what's gonna happen. And i started really hard to try to convince myself that true love had to begin with me and it was not about ego or vanity, but i have to celebrate ME!
But i was living in denial, because i was talking the talk, but i was not walking the walk for it. That i had all these good and elaborated vocabulary to stand by my attitude about loving myself from the inside out. And that if people loved me, they had to accept me in those terms. And i was practicing all that personal preaching and it was really convincing on the outside. So i lived off of that for a long while. I decided finally i had gotten that one big issue out of my way and that from then on i would arquive the issue and would never have to deal with it period.
But was i fullfilt? Was i living a fullfilt life? Nope i was living in lala land. So into my lala land that when i woke up i was overweight again...and didn’t even notice it. I fell of the wagon, or even worse it fell on me!
When i realized that i had been living with good intentions, but in a big lie, i just wanted to go into hiding. I was so afraid of meeting up with people and and just feared the look of deception when they looked at me and saw that i had gained weight. But i was like, well what’s important to me after all? Why im i letting what other people might thing condition my mood and behaviour. Why should i care abou what others think?!. But then it hit me like a truck! i might not care about what others think, but i sure as hell have to deal with my conscious and my conscious is telling me that i was bullshiting, that i was not comfortable and did not except myself overweight. It me who it bothered, it was me that didn't like to see myself like that and i was trying to take to easy way out trying to convince myself that i should love and embrace my body regardless of its weight.
But it was a lie and that lie make such a mess of my emotions that i began to be a person that lived with hatred inside of me and had no tolerance for anything. I went from one pole to the other. I was drawing and my conscious was describing the water to me. So it was a tough time. I though well didn't go well, i gotta go and check the root of it and it can't be because i have a healthy appetite or that my love for love is great, so great that it live to eat and not the other way around.
In other words...emotional eating. Or the Elephant in the room.
My size really hit home one day when i saw the pictures of myself during a Madonna concert. And i was like 'How in the world did I let this happen to myself again?' I was embarrassed, and I wanted to go into hiding specially from thee mirrors. Tina Turner and Cher are American icons. They still look great. So the anxiety stated to kick in and the panic of how was i going to make myself not look as big as I was. And specially not letting anybody notice it in the meantime. I felt awful I wanted to just disappear.
Nothing else matters if you can't control your own being. It doesn't mean anything if you can't fit into your clothes. It means the fat won. It means i didn't win. … I was mad at myself. I felt embarrassed.
I thought from all the things that i thought i have learned and i thought i had figured out i couldn't believe i held on to that lie for so long.
So for a long time it was difficult because i didn’t feel good about myself, i wasn't proud of my body and therefore didn't want to show my body and didn't want to be seen. I hid my body in baggy and dark cloths so that i wouldn't see it. I did everything to try to camouflage it.
I felt so depressed about and defeated that i didn’t have the straight to fight it and get back on that weagon.So i thought If I don't embrace hunger, everything I eat is going to make me fat anyway so I might as well just eat.
So i turned to food for comfort not in an exaggerated way but in a way that i knew it was not going to make to me loss the weight that i wanted to. But i knew that not only it was for me a cosmetic issue it was also an emotional issue.
So i started eating things that were commercially held has healthy and "light" and indulged on it. Thinking that i would be good.
Now i can understand that i am that kind of person that because of my emotional issues and my insecurities i'm always going to have weight issues so i have two choices, either i take care of myself in a constant way and that means making lots of sacrifices or i'm going to always have issues with my weigh, and i know that the issues with my weight, specially when i've gained it affect every aspect of my life and what surrounds me. So until i get my act together and salve my deep rooted issues so that i won't turn to food for comfort, it ill always have to be a battle for me. So when i gain weight, it means my life is out of balance. It's not about the food. It's about using food—abusing food. Too much work. Not enough play. Not enough time to come down. Not enough time to really relax.
What am really hungry for is balance. I'm hungry to do something other than the little life that i am living.

So no matter how you look at it a food addict can't conquer his or her addiction completely. This is a problem in your life that's probably going to be a problem in your life for the duration of your life. Your results are simply about how you manage that problem.
Maybe if i talk to a specialist about it, he'll say "well you didn't really learn how to be happy. You might have leaned some things about survival tools and not how to be happy. That's where i know i have a lot of work to do.
My goal is not to be super thin, and i've lost a lot of weight since i woke up.
My goal is to be the weight that my body can hold and be healthy and strong and fit and be itself. One of the things I have to learn to do is to embrace this body that i can feel comfort in and love it.
Once a Writer named Marianne Williamson said about this issue "your overweight self does not stand before you craving food. It's craving love. "It's about extending yourself in so many different directions that you literally become unconscious. You're just trying to get through it all and not giving back to yourself. When you love yourself enough, you take care of yourself."
And i think that she is absolutely right!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Angel Gabriel Byrne

If you ever want to know what is like to be in touch with some one who listens to his heart and his soul or what ever as deep as you can go (because that's the best parameter for weather you're telling the truth or not),Let yourself be embrace by Gabriel Byrne's thoughts and words and infinite wisdom...He has the ability to take you out of your self and pay attention to him and listen and you get so in touch with him and what he says that your not self conscious, your not thinking about yourself. You’re there, you're involved. And that is a good place to be in.

I went and looked up the name Gabriel online. So there was a page that said they were the experts on The Angel Gabriel.
Angels do not have a gender; at least as we humans know it. According to the Scripture, angels also do not reproduce. Each angel was created directly by God before the creation of our universe. According to the Bible, the Archangel Gabriel always has been and is still one of God’s holy angels. Many believe that Revelation 12:4 indicates that, when Satan fell, one-third of the angels fell with him. There is no indication as to whether any of the fallen angels were archangels or not. And yes, the evil angels are still active today.
But then there's our Angel Gabriel, who is human and is male and seems like he was personally sculpt by the Gods.

I could use all kinds of specially elaborated words to describe what me at least.
But what im going to put down here is a prayer that he wrote for his daughter Romy, before she was born, and its one of the most beautiful things that i have ever read:

"Prayer for my daughter"

"You are born in love and pain, given to us for a short time only, before we must let you go again with love and pain. One day you'll come to know how close they are one to the other - You are a treasure, a blessing, a prayer's answer, a jig in my Irish soul. You are me. And I am you. You are both of us, the love of your mother and me.

Let me be worthy of you. Let me lead you to truth, to beauty, to the mystery of the universe. Be a comfort for you, be your rock, your refuge, your eejit, your scratching post, your kick the cat, your guide and teacher. Your truest friend.

Let me be open to your child's wisdom teaching me with your soul's innocence the true nature of things. Don't let me take you for granted. Let me always be myself and allow you always to be yourself without judgement - give you the key to my secret heart and not be afraid to show you who I really am, nor of who you really are. Give me the strength to be gone from you when I must go, and to be near you when you most need me.

Let me take your hand and help you to find your true path. There will be sorrow, for that is the way of the world; but out of suffering, joy can come too - the peacock swallows a poisoned thorn to grow the miracle of a feather.

You will ask me great questions, and sometimes I will not know the answer. Perhaps we are not meant to know some things, for that is life too. A seeking. It may be our only purpose here.

All things are changing always. Yesterday is dust. Tomorrow a dream. Our gift is now. And so, my sweet angel, may you know love and be loved in return. May you know truth and laughter and peace and happiness, and may the great spirit of the universe enfold you in his arms and keep you safe for always."

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles.

I know that i might be just a lil exhausting the subject, but its one that i'm so focused on and on such a role that i'm finding peace and serenity and understanding. And its feeding my spirit in a way that it is transforming me into a person that i am pleased with. I hope that it remains constant. Because i need it so much so that i can be the best that i can to the best of my ability, so long as my conscious is in agreement with it.
So here i go...Spiritual being. Being in the moment, being awake and alert to understand the messages that keep on coming to you when the time is right for you to understand and to take it in.
From all that i have read i know by now (even though i not always practice it) love, peace, harmony and wisdom are everlasting qualities. And so when an individual is connected to those qualities and begins to exude them and express them, at that moment, they're in the spirit.
I can't feel it right now. Well, i can't say that is true. Some days when my spirit is free yes i can feel it, but if i'm having a stressful day or people are pressing my buttons, it gets hard.
I know that my reactions to the things that happen to me reflect the state i'm in. I know that i'm at a point were i'm still green, where maturity has not hit me yet.
But i'm aware that if individual is mature enough to express that on a regular basis, we can say that they're spiritually mature. Because regardless of the temporary problems you may be experiencing, the connection to love, peace and harmony stays with you. "That which carries you when you're going through tough times," i read it somewhere. "That's what it means to be spiritual."

What i want my definition of spirituality is to be revolves around the understanding that we are more than what we can physically see. I feel that when you begin to realize that you are more than your body, that your purpose is greater than your profession or your career—that every life, because you were born you have a right to be here and there is a calling on your life—it means you live your life without fear and you know that no matter what happens, no matter what happens, you are going to be all right. You are going to be all right. That's what spirituality i want it to mean to me.
Its like for instance this false belief that life has to be a certain way because you're conditioned by society and people around that determine de laws of behavior and morality. So Instead of giving up because because things are not the way you think they should be or happen to take a wrong turn we should rid ourselves of the idea that life is supposed to be a certain way here's so much tension in resisting what's happening that we lose a lot of our power and our inner wisdom to go forward."

It makes me think that everything that is happening in your life, no matter how difficult the crisis, is to teach you more about who you are. To grow you into who you were really meant to be."
If you're struggling and you feel that is something missing or nothing you do makes you feel like you are in control is because you haven't identified a part of your that is lacking in order to complete your life's puzzle.
It's very important. And it has a lot to do with motivation. You have to do it for your own growth... for that presence within you, and then your identity shifts from being mother, and a lover a friend etc. until you are in tune with that divine (or whatever is the definition that fits you better) presence that is thanking you for letting it come into its own as you. If you are not feeling fulfilled all the way down to the bottom of your soul, you ultimately won't have as much to give back and worse consequently you you'll end up looking for fulfillment in the wrong places. And you become this person that speaks in a language of 'I have drama, therefore, I am,'" instead of 'I am, therefore, I think, therefore I can live this life as i chose to live it' otherwise you know that you will internalize lack of self-appreciation and the repercussions’ of it.
So from what i have read and heard at the end of the day, you already have what you need to get started. "Everything that is happening [in your life] is trying to bring you closer to what you really need. To what is really real," says someone i know. "Take that in for a moment."

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Charlie Chapin - The King of Tragedy

There is something in the fact that when the ten commandments where handed down to Moses, it said that there were six thousand souls (people and souls)and that these souls do somehow come back in different physical forms.And they are out there and if we're lucky enough we will sometimes get a glimpse of them. Usually they don't stay long...they're gone too soon. But other times they endure and last long enough set the stage for us.
And i have a list of few people that i think are a part of this sum of souls that are passing through just to wake us up from our dullness ignorance and i begin with ...Charlie Chaplin.
"Humour Heightens our sense of survival and preserves our sanity" These are the words of Charlie Chaplin. So are these written over 30 years ago: "we Think too much, and feel too little"? "More then machinery, we need humanity, more then cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness. Without those qualities life will be violent and lost". "a day without laughter is day day wasted".
Humour and humanity, the embodied elements of Chaplin’s artistic conscious and his unparallel talent, as actor, writer, director, producer, composer and as someone one said "the greatest ballet dancer that ever lived"
Chaplin made more people laugh then anyone in history. Yet always, just beneath the highlaraty with the fears and sorrows, of every man.
He created an immortal character, The little Tramp. And here is how Chaplin described him : A tramp, gentlemen, a poet, a dreamer, a lonely fellow, always hopeful of romance and adventure.
He would have you believe he was a scientist, a musician, a duke, a polo player. However he's not above robbing a baby ofi ts candy and of course the occasional "kick a lady in the rear" But only n extreme anger.
The world responded, not only to the wonders humour of the little tramp, but also to the love and indomitability he represented, to Chaplin’s sorrowing theme that man's humanity to man, is greater then his inhumanity.
Chaplin has become more then a name. It is a word in the vocabulary of films, and anyone who has ever seen a movie, is in his dept.
He once said "my only enemy is time". Well i think that I’m not alone in saying " i respectfully disagree. For where ever and when ever there is communication, a screen and an audience, weather here on earth and now or some for away star, time is Charlie Chaplin's dearest and internal friend.

These are not my words, because i couldn't even start to pay homage to him with my own words, before they would seam so futile and feeble so i took the liberty of using someone else’s beautiful and rigcious vocabulary to pay tribute to this wonderful human being.

Here are some other famous quotes that i thought would be a wasted opportunity if i didn't put them here:

"A day without laughter is a day wasted
" Despair is a narcotic. It lulls the mind into indifference"
"Dictators free themselves, but they enslave the people"
"Failure is unimportant. It takes courage to make a fool of yourself"
"I do not have much patience with a thing of beauty that must be explained to be understood. If it does need additional interpretation by someone other than the creator, then I question whether it has fulfilled its purpose."
"I suppose that's one of the ironies of life doing the wrong thing at the right moment."
"Laughter is the tonic, the relief, the surcease for pain"
"Man as an individual is a genius. But men in the mass form the headless monster, a great, brutish idiot that goes where prodded"
"The saddest thing I can imagine is to get used to luxury. "

"To help a friend in need is easy, but to give him your time is not always opportune."
"We all want to help one another. Human beings are like that. We want to live by each other's happiness, not by each other's misery."

"What do you want a meaning for? Life is a desire, not a meaning"

Friday, July 3, 2009

Things I dont Understand....Spiritual Quest

The ego? Isn't the biggest evil the ego and the root of all evil. I know calling it evil is a very strong word, but isn't it tough?
Absolutely (i personally think). And the ego is an accumulation of unexamined perceptions that run our life.
Another thing is ignorance. When we're talking about i'm talking about ignorance that's running our life. People not knowing that they are
the light. Not being able to see the light or feel the light or express the light. And through the veil of ignorance, people do destructive things. Now underneath that destruction. They say that behind every human aberration there is a spiritual aspiration. There is something trying to come through. But it is coming through the veil of ignorance and the ego.Behind every human aberration, there lies a spiritual aspiration. Doesn't that make so much sense? doesn't it explain so many behaviors in people we're in contact with. If we can past the impulse of judgemente and prejudice we can see what lies underneath people's humanity.
Like slavery. You would ask So what was the human aspiration—the spiritual aspiration of slavery?
The spiritual aspiration of slavery was abundance. Prosperity. Control. I mean, on a positive side.
I don't know if its a comfort of justification there is this theory that white people were trying to control their life. They were trying to have more. And they
did it through a destructive way. They dehumanized a whole group of people. The Black People.
But underneath that, they were trying to control their life. They were trying to have more than enough. But they were ignorant that they were connected to the divine and they were ignorant that the black people were connected to the divine. But underneath there was a spiritual energy trying to happen. But it was coming through ego and it was coming through the prism of ignorance. Because it
can't be God and something else. That would mean that God is not infinite. You're either aware of it or you're ignorant of it.
Those are symptoms. Symptoms of an individual that's cut off from the light or is ignorant of their true nature and being. And so they have coping mechanisms, defense mechanisms, compulsive behaviors, all kinds of behaviors that are symptoms.
Drugs, abuse, etc. But it's from ignorance. Not being—being unconnected consciously.
It hasn't always been easy for me to give and to share, and I think i never understood that my path should have always been to receive and to accept. I'm not talkong about material things, i'm talking about love and forgiveness acceptance and recieving what other want to give to me. Without it feeling uncomfortable and so there there has been recently this effort in chipping away at whatever wall is there, not good enough, not worthy, untill they begin to disintegrate until I get to
the core of who I am, which is good. Which is wonderful. And not in an egocentric kind of way. So I would say that one of my challenges over the years that can
I have that within me. And feel good about myself. Feel good about me Ana. And understanding that she's a good girl.
To feel that my intentions are high. My motivation is pure. That i may make mistakes, but that my motivation is pure and my intention is high. So that I can like who i am . And so i'll be chipping away at all the dark places until that—that emergeds.
Something as simple as just plane being authentic. Do you have to be brave to be authentic? Its the most ironic strange thing. That it takes so much courage to be authentic. We spend so much time hiding out from eachother.Outing yourself for just the thuth of who you are. So if you ask me whats evil? i'd wouldn't hesitate to say " the way we hide from eachother" Or you can put it this way; when we're not authentic and we're not real, we rub up against ourself and we creat friction - a friction with fictional characters.
So there's a question that is trying to ask itself. There's a quality that is trying to emerge.Now -and i think the question has something to do with, what is the nature of peace of mind? What is the nature of the gift that's trying to express itself? What is the nature of what's trying to emerge in my life?
And so in asking questions like these i know i'll get the insight, i'll get the inseight and it will cometo me in a language that i can undertand. But i know for sure that if i want that to happen, i have to interested and stay awake.