Thursday, September 24, 2009
I wonder why....?
That i would be good when we met again. That i would try to carb my enthusiasm about you and about letting you know how i long for you...
That i would be good even if i felt overwhelming and clingy towards you.
That i would be grant if i wasn't not all knowing.
But all these good intentions end up being misleading and end up getting caught in the mist of the fog that comes after that sun that paradise brings to me when i see you. I don't do it with awareness i can't see it. I can only come to grasp with it when i come out of that fog.
Until that happens, the affect that i have on you is not equated to what i'm involved in. Why ? why does this always happen. I mean i don't really relate it to my personal needs and wants. My issues not solved yet. I separate them. It doesn't mean that i'm not self assured or that i try to place on you all of my dirty laundry or excess baggage that shouldn't be there any more.
The simple reason is that i miss you. And i wish you would cut me some slack and understand this form of vulnerability. I dont understand why it creates such a burden on you, a burden enough that smothers you.
I can't understand why my felt emotions make you feel pressured. I'm not asking you for anything that is not in you capacity to give me. Indulge me for a couple of days and you'll see i'll be satisfied and content. So that i can feel the kind of comfort that i long for when i'm away, that environment that i've come to treasure and hold close to me.
But you react in a way that hurt me. And you get mad when i say you hurt me, that you misunderstand my true intentions. And you isolate from me, keep me at arms lenght for a lil bit until i get my act together.
And i dont know how to react to that. I get scared and confused i don't know were to turn to. Loneliness strikes me and i get defense and resentful and i'm too afraid to express it. I sit on my corner and wait for the thunder storm to leave and you to come out of your cave to look for me.
You're what i come home to, you're where i can expose myself and even feel vulnerable. Where i can show you my private thoughts and feelings i don't share with anyone. Anything that you might say to me that is a compliment i just melt...do you understand that it has nothing to do with solving my personal dramas.
Its about you being my partner and me wanting to share a peace of your life with you. Not to take it away. I know i have to learn from this, i always do and involvements come with it because when i leave, im never the same person that had come to visit you. Some times some damage is done to my inside, but other times good and positive changes come. Constant changes and developments and what ever part of me is left wounded is just i guess what i have to go through.
You speak to me and try to explain it to me, how it is and how you want for it to be for you. And and you it would seam logical that you dont have to explain certain things. That it should be obvious to me. I know that we are different people and that if we want this to work we have to respect it and find ways of communicating and be intimate inspaite the things thats make us different. But i can't see you being that way towards me. I take it so personally what you say to me that i feel as if you do not include my differences in your acceptances.
I know what we have inst easy.We still have to go through a lot. It's difficult to learn to live with somebody, to be unselfish and to be responsible for your behavior—and even to think how you hurt others if you do certain things.
And you to both focus on selfish needs. You go through a transition, if you are committed to each other. You cleanse yourself of all of that baggage, and you look at each other and determine whether the relationship is worth salvaging, whether you really love each other and want to be together. Then you realize, "Wait a minute. I might have been doing this because I just didn't want to think about how this would affect the other person or to allow myself to love someone with emotional intimacy.
Its difficult i know. People say you have to work at it. I know.
Because you are two different people, and you have to respect that. You have to learn not to project your stuff onto the other person. You have to give the other person space to do what he or she wants to do, to not be threatened by his or her absence or achievements.
Sometimes i feel that i have to wear a mask and that its cracking. Is it that i don't know myself, i dont know who i am?. Have i lost my soul and so i need to clingy into you.Where is my self-definition when im next to you? why do i lose my grown and feel intimidated.
But funny things is that if anyone but you asks me questions about my self, i,ll jump right in and monologue about it and its going to feel that is coming from my core.
And when i'm with it you and because of the kind of communication and relationship that we have been building i'm forced almost to confront my cowardness.
You constantly make me see that you can't get past what is keeping you numb and action less, unless you are willing to excavate your feelings. And i some times just don't want to do that, i might even bring up a convincing argument that i have no reason in my life for having to deal with real dramatic issues. But they are there, in my core in my system in the way that i react or overreact to you. In my fear of confronting you with what is bothering me. These feelings that pop up like lil voices in my head.
Yes i know that feelings are important. I think that i am afraid to be in touch with their feelings. That's why i make up all of these kinds of busy stuff "gotta-go-to or i'll miss out". I catch myself continuously gratifying to other stuff so that i dont have to deal with feelings. I can have noise around me or being in a crowd thats loud and it not affect me, because i know its keeping those lil voices very silent. Yet the lil pebble in the shoe is that the only way to know who you are and to project that is to deal with your feelings. And if you have baggage to purge, then you have to go to those you have hurt and say to them "I'm sorry." That's difficult for me to do. Or to go to someone and let them know that they are hurting me.
So i know sweetheart that The only thing that can hold me back is myself. But that doesn't meant that the the things that i tell you can't also be validated or looked into. At least listen...