Monday, October 5, 2009

I'm Not My Name, Im Not My Fears, My Falieurs, My Flaws, My Hair, My Makeup, My Job, Or My Past...

"I am Hope, i am imagination, i am the power to change, to create and to grow.
I am a spirit that will never die. "

You say that one should think carefully before they open their mouth to say something. I Agree.
But even tough, if i might let me just redefine it. You should use your words carefully, because if not, they sometimes can be like a weapon and hurt somebody.
Let me tell you this (and i know that you will shake your head at it) I feel a soul destroying rejecting, every time you point out my flaws to me.
So i have my flaws, yes i do. But does that make me less of a person? Does that put me in a position beneath you? Does it give you a rush and make you feel powerfully when you point them out to me? Does it make you feel Superior and untouchable every time you do that?
Could it be that you can't see me or don't know me beyond my flaws? You don't know whats inside of me?.
Yes i fear your words and the way you look at me when your judging me. Yes it intimidates me. Makes me insecure and clumsy and awkward.
I forget about what i know, my assertiveness, my intelligence. I forget that i am smart about what i know. My ability to be kind and to love.I feel like i have to pretend like i know it all so that you can accept me.
I feel like i'm in a situation where i'm listening well, but i forget to demand to be heard. If i give you, i want to get back!
I can't be like you in so many ways. I haven't been exposed to what you have. I haven't been through what you have been. But i know what i can and cannot absorb. In spite of it all, what i know for sure are my strenghts and my weaknesses. So i can't be where i have to be if im not ready for it.
But im confident that i am intelligent. But in the presence of you i'm like a shrinking violet, because i don't want to look like a fool. Well lets put it this way. I know a little about a lot and a lot about a little.
I do try to be honest in my personal life. I try to be as truthful as i can.
Truth is beauty. That can be a hard thing to say, because some things are not so attractive on the surface. But by owning up to them, we can change them. i know.
Just by speaking them. Even if the first words that come out of my mouth are "well, i have nothing to offer. I'm empty today."
And that is one of the reasons why i say that i am much more then what you see, much more then my flaws that are in the constante spotlight of your eyes when you see me.

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