Wednesday, March 27, 2013
, make it as if this is my one time to be honest and pour everything out - like a cleanse. I think that i am finally making that leap from childhood into adulthood. And what im going through is the process that it takes from leaving your childhood behind and accepting the responsibilities that come with growing up, like facing your fears, dealing with the truth, acknowledgement of reality and all of those things that you felt you never had to deal with because you thought that they wouldnt apply to you. What i feel is, how your foundation is built is the manner in witch you deal with your issues. And even though i grew up with the assumption that my mother didnt love me, or didnt understand me, somewhere in the back of my mind i must have felt that it wasnt the case. Because, if i truly believed that was the case, my reaction to the transformation that i am going through would be the very definition of pain. And im not in pain, im just sad. There's a sadness inside of me that i can only understand as being the sadness that comes with the longing and nostalgic memories. And i think that what triggered all of this was finding out that my mother was sick. The kind of sickness that would keep her body with me, but her mind gone. She spent three months with me here in London. And i had to learn to deal with with her and all her transformations. And Nate, there isnt a sadder thing in life then to see someone you love disappear in front of your eyes. And you learn to let go of the things that hold you back, the conceptions that you built in your mind for so long and the same ones that held you back and kept you from opening your eyes and see. I finally see her, i finally see the woman in from of me for all the she is and all that is has ever been to us. She is the very platform, the foundation from witch we all set ourselves to be. I decided to write letters to her. I had to find a way to heal me and purge my pain and sorrow. I explain to her my discoveries, i write about my memories and the things that sometimes are just too painful to say, but when written are easier to come. So this is me, learning to let go and learning to deal with the things that bring pain and sorrow.