Sunday, March 17, 2013

If you're gone

Ever looked at someone and see that they are slowly fading away? When you suddenly realize that this person is leaving, that she's already gone? I dont think that there is a sadder thing in life then to see someone you love disappear into nothingness. Look at you and see nothing. I mean sometimes she does give away sighs that remind me of what she is, of what she once was. And for moments i forget. I forget that she's leaving and i just pretend that nothing has changed and that she's there. And i look and i see her. Its funny how you're eyes see only what they want to see, or only see when they are ready to see. And i see her history and her story. I see her joy and her pain, her sorrow and her loss. I can finally see her spirit and understand her and what comes within her. And i try to understand why is that that all this time never i once take the time out of my selfishness to even look at her. I guess my eyes weren't ready to see. I came across some letters and pictures and documents she carries with her. I know that soon all these reminders of life wont mean a thing to her. But as i started going through them i was realized that i was stumbling through her life and discovering her world. Entering her private thoughts, her intimacy. I suddenly understood where i came from. This was me and it was my sisters and my brother. All this time and i never was able to see past the carer, the disciplinary, the provider, the guiding force, the platform from which to jump from. Not once did it occur to me that this person that has been all these things to us could carry inside of her so many feelings, such vulnerability and this tremendous amount of sensitivity. Gee if i could only get past me and my ways and tell her about my findings. Inadequacy holds me back. I mean this discovery of mine makes me look at this person in a totally different light. This is a new person to me. How am i going to approach her as such? And if i did, would it have on her the impact that i want it to have? Would she understand me and would she finally put to rest all the misconceptions she has of me ?! Or am i again drawing conclusions still based on what i have defined her to me?! I Think that all this time she has known it. She knows me so well she can anticipate my every move, my thoughts, my behaviour...She knows why it took me so long to see her. But still, even though her hand is on the door and she's about to leave i wanted her to know that there is a little bit of her in everything i do.

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