Sunday, February 21, 2010

The Secret Garden

If you were ever to ask me whats the one thing that i would want to tell you, but would never dare. I could say it today. Not to you of course, but here in my blog.
I let you into my heart, into the deep end of my soul. I let you invade my spirit and bring out the best that i have in me.

I let you in my mouth, the words you said were so right
I let you deep inside. But there's a secret garden i hide. A secret wish.

I let you into the parts of myself That have brough you doubt and uncertainty.
I let you in my wounded heart you had the right hammer and vise
But into my secret garden, i havent.
Youve gone a million miles. How far did you get
To that place where you can't remember, and you can't forget
But i'll lead you down a path, therell be tenderness in the air
íll let you come just far enough so you know im really there
i'll look at you and smile and my eyes will say, i've got a secret garden
Where everything you want, Where everything you need Will always stay
A million miles away because you wont let me love you, you cant bring yourself to love me.
You didnt ask for this, i dont know if you ever wanted it. I gave it unconditionally and voluntarely.
But you and me, its not a chase, its not the chase. It is not the thrill of the chase. It's not a game. It's… it's my tiny ineffectual fists. And your smell.The smell of your skin after you showers. And you're very, very ballsy. It keeps me in line.
But i want more. I want to know the feeling of what it is to be loved by you. I want the chance to feel what the woman you once loved felt. I want t o feel the touch of a person who loves me. And that person has to be you. I want to know what it feels like for you to watch me sleep. Or to look at me when i'm not watching.
Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. And i know there are some lines... that are way too dangerous to cross.
You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.
At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. Its like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And its not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away. If you let them.
I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.
Intimacy is a four syllable word for, "Here's my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy." It's both desired, and feared. Difficult to live with, and impossible to live without. Intimacy also comes attached to the three R's... relatives, romance, and roommates. There are some things you can't escape. And other things you just don't want to know.
I wish there were a rulebook for intimacy. Some kind of guide to tell you when you've crossed the line. It would be nice if you could see it coming, and I don't know how you fit it on a map. You take it where you can get it, and keep it as long as you can. And as for rules, maybe there are none. Maybe the rules of intimacy are something you have to define for yourself.
Okay, here it is, the truth... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure you have your reasons and i can respect that you think that they are valid. But I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me.
And i know thats the one thing i cant ask of you. You've said it to me "U cant ask someone to pick them, it doesnt work that way". But you could give it a try, you could believe in it.
Thats my secret garden...where everything you need and everything you want seams to be a million miles away from me.

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