Saturday, March 13, 2010

Looked at clouds that way...but now they only block sun!

Depression he told me was a consequence of symptoms we generate throughout our lives such as the need to be validated, to be accepted, guilt, and most of all fear. Fear of the things that we lost or are afraid to lose.
All these elements come together as a whole and turn you into someone different, far from who you are, far from that core of you that you are born with.
It turns you into a person that oppresses feelings, someone who preservers her thought to her and most of all is constantly with their guard up.
It may put me in a comfortable position, but it doesn’t put me at ease, nor does it make me happy... I settled a long time for this. It was easy and it was safe. It it needed no brainstorming from my behalf.
But now my spirit challenges me, leaves me restless and empty.
I think about the change-seekers. It takes courage to seek out new ways of living. At the same time, it takes courage to be yourself. Copying’s easy; it takes little to no imagination. Although we’re created equal, it’s our uniqueness that gives us something new and different to offer. This is what gives me a great desire to learn.

So as I was listening to him I felt that he had discovered my secret diary and that he was reading its pages to me, one by one, out loud and clear...
That witch I have been avoiding all my life. That witch I blocked out deliberately because I was too lazy or just not ready to deal with, was hitting me right in the head, and I felt like a ton of brick had been laid on my lad and now I had no choice but to deal with it.
It’s not that I fantasize or that I live in a dream land so that I don’t have to deal with the reality that bites.
I’m pretty conscious of what I do, how I act and what I avoid and why I do so.
That how I’ve dealt with things. Dont let them know it don’t give yourself away.
I really never thought about how it has damaged me. My life has been that way.
Tears and fears and feeling proud to say "I love you" right out loud. Fear, that fear of rejection. Fear of the word "no".
I read some works he shared with me and felt guilty and awkeward to relate to so many things written on those pages, because not only did I understand each and every word- A mirror was being put to my face, that one thing that I had been avoiding to look at for so long.
All the dodging that I have done had turned me into a damaged and vulnerable person. An insecure human being who because stripped from my capacity to make my own decisions.
The thing that was hardest to read was this quote "This approach sees satisfaction or lack of satisfying needs as the motivation for behavior. RT holds that there are five basic needs; love, survival, belonging, power, and freedom (Murdock 2009), and love is the most important of these. An individual's personality is based on the strength of these needs and the choices he makes to satisfy them"
That was me, this is me.
My need for love has always been so ingrained in me, that in the long run, turned into a price for a shallow piece of dignity. A design for live
So I let them take control and tried desperately to satisfy their needs and of course going along with the program for fear of lose, for the sake of what I classified as peace and contemptment. I took no action to alleviate my pain. I didn’t want it and thought that it was less painful to be conditioned to that type of unhealthy living then alleviating it by taking action against it.
Those where my core beliefs and they were the base and structure from witch I conducted my life and love, or compensated for the lack of it.
I was so afraid of being left alone, and losing out on the opportunity and shot at love that I structured my life in accordance with the beliefs that I thought appropriate for me. And so my behavior and my perception was based on the reality that I had created- Because to me, it was my route, my logical and unquestionable way of getting that love that I so longed for.
So that was my way of avoiding pain, danger and discomfort. So i believed.
I created an environment that was perfect for my intent. And I believed that if I had to lose my identity and put myself in a position where I was treated of felt bellow my standards I was ok with it because all I wanted was to be loved. And so I gave and gave and gave...till I gave up on my dignity my pride, myself assurance, self worth all of those things that build your character and creates your personality. Your oneness, your uniqueness. Takes away all that you have good in you which in turn transforms into something sad and painful and frustrating. When you look at yourself and when you are amounts other people you can study your behavior and see that you've turned into this bitter person that feeds themselves with hate rate and resentfulness towards anybody that they interact with. And that was me. Those were my core beliefs that were the behavior that was comprised of unrealistic belief systems. That was the reality I created for myself in search of the one thing that I most wanted. Was to be loved

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