Saturday, March 20, 2010
When your silence screams out a million words...
Taking responsability for my actions and seing my role in controlling them.
I know that the person that i have turned into is a person who over the years has based her life in disfuncional and negative and irracional beliefs. I know that its where my problem area is and where i need to start analising so that i can turn into this person that i ambition for myself.
I know that i can control my thoughts feelings and behavior. I find myself doing it. Specially if im not having any time of anxiety and i feel comfortable and in peace with me.
I've noticed that my feelings and emotions get all tangled up into a web of fear and anxiety everytime i see or feel a difference in your behavior. And i cannot for the life of me control it all the way. I say all the way, because i'm getting better at it. It use to be worse, it use to take me to deep dark places that i couldnt undertsand and didnt know how to cope with.
When these things happen, i feel myself lsing control of how i should and can behave and see me defencive mechonism get into action.
Im my may i find that a way to protect myself from being hurt by a possible action from you. A possible word that can hurt me, is to just go to my shell and wait. Try to be invisable so i wont be in the way...~
But honestly, what does that say about me?! why should i take things in such a personal manner and act like i'm a lesser human being?!
But he is...
There's the life with him and the life without him, and the life without him is much, much bigger.
Because contrary to what the cynics say, distance is not for the fearful; it's for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those who know a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough.
I embody the twin virtues of independence and imagination. I fall asleep alone,and i'll remember the scent of his neck neck, the ecstasy of seeing his face waiting for me at the aeroport which, thanks to him, is my favorite place in the whole world. After so much time apart, a suitcase itself is an aphrodisiac.
So i wish that i could let go of this fear that blocks me and turns me into an unstable person.
And im not that And that is not what defines me.
I'm wise and ambitious, and angry and free, and smart and available, and sexy...maybe.
I'm soft and appealing, and twisted and willing, and crazy...
And thought-provoking, and opinionated Cultured and funny, and experienced...
Fearless (in some ways) and tender, and sweetly innocent, uninhibited, Likes a good debate.
If only i could get this backpack of fear from my back. Im just tired of walking around with it. Enough already.