Sunday, August 8, 2010

Dear Nathen

I'm so disapointed in myself for still having feelings for you - after everything. Even knowing the differences between us doesn't stop me from wanting to be with you. I know i confused you when i said i didn't want to ever hear from you but you have to understand, I dont know how to be a part of your life as a "friend". you don't believe in the things that are important to and define me.. But that doesn't change the way you make me feel. and thats the scary part. its scary because we come from totally different worlds and there would be a day when those two worlds would collide, and they did. I mean, i was so willing to give myself away to you completely and i don't think i ever understand that you not like like me or you were not as willing. You wanted things from me that i didnt how to give. and in a moment of strength, you were able to walk away before i could seriously get hurt. But if you hadn't put a stop on it, i know i would never want to say no and i'm not going to give myself the chance to let that happen. i'm young and i don't trust myself to say no.. especially in those moments when we were so close and you werent afraid to give yourself to me, for just a lil bit and holding me. Of course, i want it to end.

so thats why i did what i did. i'm praying for you because i want you to find God so badly. then everything would be perfect. it wouldn't change everything right away; that takes time. but there would be some safe ground, you know? common values. thats key for me Nate. i'm sorry it has to be so complicated. i wanted do much to understand you better.. all the love aside that i felt for you, i think we could actually have had something unique and long lasting, but we where not on the same level of though or state of mind and i cant blame you for that. i think i can be strong enough to be a friend for for you one day. But dont ask that from me now. i'll try.But not just yet. I still can get over the fact that you just gave up on me.
Life without you is a living nighmare...i miss my love, i miss my best friend i miss my parter i miss that one person that i could share my everything with. And you cant just put that to the side and hope it dissapears by it self. It doesnt get to happen that way...

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