Friday, July 24, 2009
One day I’ll introduce myself and you’ll see you’ve not yet met me
I'm not threatened, by every pair of legs you watch go by
I don't cringe when you stare at women (even tough u think i do),i know it's just a thing called guy.
I don't notice your side ways glances even toug i know where your loyalty lies
I'm a lil bit jealous but it don't moved me much.
I'm not enraged, Not insecure as such cuz rational stays in touch quite often
Doth I protest too much?
I'm not needy, I don't get clingy much . I'm a lil scared sometimes that tou'll find someone more interesting then me.But 'm not dependent, cuz rock solid, stays in touch.
I might spend some energy trying to to prove to you who I can't possibly be and to prove I'm not who you hate for me to be.
And Doth I protest too much?
There were days when i thought that there were Such a difference between who I was and who you saw in me and conclusions you come to of me routinely incorrect .
It use to make me crazy i use to think that you were resisting to a mirror I felt screaming from your body. And use to say to myself :
"One day I’ll introduce myself and you’ll see you’ve not yet met me"
There was nothing as as harrowing As how I translated your reaction to the way i acted or the things that i said.
My goal? is to be unselfconcious.Even tought i think you can nerver be.There is always that lil voice in the back of your mind nagging you yakdy yack yack. But basecally to lose yourself. But im much too self concious to be able to be that. I hate this .......but its almost like a curse,( something that i have always had ever since a child)by seing myself walk down the street, instead of being in the street you know?
But you know (speaking to self) in all fairness to myself, things have been worse for me here. There was a time when if you wanted to, i could with the blink of the eye tell you detail by detail 8 easy steps of how to make people run from you or be as nervous as a hooker at a church.
I'd do things such as ....
Stay paralyzed by fear of abandonment, defer to men in solveable predicaments, try to control someone to be a carbon copy of you and have that not work and have them run away from you.
Or How to keep people at arms length and never get too close.
How to mistrust the ones who supposedly love the most. How to pretend you're fine and don't need help from anyone.
How to feel worthless unless you're serving or helping someone.
That was me.
I'could you all this in 8 easy steps a course of a lifetime you'd never forget
and show you how to in 8 easy steps.
I use to think "I'll show you how leaderships looks when taught by the best"
I've been doing research for years. I've been practicing my ass off. I've been training my whole life for this moment I swear to you
Culminating just to be this well-versed leader before you, so please allow me to introduce myself.
How to lie to yourself and thereby to everyone else. How to keep smiling when you're thinking of banging your head on something hard just to avoid going within.
How to stay stuck in blue by blaming them for everything.
Yes that was me a long lonf time ago, but that was then and this is now.
So please allow me to introduce myself. I'm a woman of substance and taste and so Let me please introduce myself. My name is courage. And yes i'm bold enough to call myself that.Cuz Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.
There, i´ve said it