Saturday, July 11, 2009

Private Party

You teach what you most nead to learn.
I have for a very long time had issues with weight. It conditions my behaviour, it affects my self esteem, it its the vehicle that drives me back and forth.
I know that because i can detail all behaviour when i gain weight and i cant detail it too when i loss the weight. Its one of my toughest battles and its one of my hardest issues to deal with. But of course, the fact of the matter is that the issue is not the "weight" it self but the reason for the emotional instability that leads to and causes this constant weight battle.
About two years ago i came up with this solution that i might have read or heard of and i thought, from now on this is how I’m going to deal with my body image and and makes it the rules and conditions to be a happy person.
So i decided that i was going to have a private party. And i said i'm having' a private party and I’m going to learn how to love me, Celebrate the woman the woman that i am. yeah! I said i gotta Gotta find the joy inside of me I'm gonna take off all my clothes look at myself in the mirror
We're gonna have a conversation and we're gonna heal the disconnection. I don't know when i started to feel this way about my body but this is where it's gonna end
My body is beautiful and sacred and I'm gonna celebrate it.
To me was all those intentions where honest and i thought that was a pure approach. I tough damn, all my life I've been looking for somebody else to make me whole. But If i have to learn the hard way then that's what's gonna happen. And i started really hard to try to convince myself that true love had to begin with me and it was not about ego or vanity, but i have to celebrate ME!
But i was living in denial, because i was talking the talk, but i was not walking the walk for it. That i had all these good and elaborated vocabulary to stand by my attitude about loving myself from the inside out. And that if people loved me, they had to accept me in those terms. And i was practicing all that personal preaching and it was really convincing on the outside. So i lived off of that for a long while. I decided finally i had gotten that one big issue out of my way and that from then on i would arquive the issue and would never have to deal with it period.
But was i fullfilt? Was i living a fullfilt life? Nope i was living in lala land. So into my lala land that when i woke up i was overweight again...and didn’t even notice it. I fell of the wagon, or even worse it fell on me!
When i realized that i had been living with good intentions, but in a big lie, i just wanted to go into hiding. I was so afraid of meeting up with people and and just feared the look of deception when they looked at me and saw that i had gained weight. But i was like, well what’s important to me after all? Why im i letting what other people might thing condition my mood and behaviour. Why should i care abou what others think?!. But then it hit me like a truck! i might not care about what others think, but i sure as hell have to deal with my conscious and my conscious is telling me that i was bullshiting, that i was not comfortable and did not except myself overweight. It me who it bothered, it was me that didn't like to see myself like that and i was trying to take to easy way out trying to convince myself that i should love and embrace my body regardless of its weight.
But it was a lie and that lie make such a mess of my emotions that i began to be a person that lived with hatred inside of me and had no tolerance for anything. I went from one pole to the other. I was drawing and my conscious was describing the water to me. So it was a tough time. I though well didn't go well, i gotta go and check the root of it and it can't be because i have a healthy appetite or that my love for love is great, so great that it live to eat and not the other way around.
In other words...emotional eating. Or the Elephant in the room.
My size really hit home one day when i saw the pictures of myself during a Madonna concert. And i was like 'How in the world did I let this happen to myself again?' I was embarrassed, and I wanted to go into hiding specially from thee mirrors. Tina Turner and Cher are American icons. They still look great. So the anxiety stated to kick in and the panic of how was i going to make myself not look as big as I was. And specially not letting anybody notice it in the meantime. I felt awful I wanted to just disappear.
Nothing else matters if you can't control your own being. It doesn't mean anything if you can't fit into your clothes. It means the fat won. It means i didn't win. … I was mad at myself. I felt embarrassed.
I thought from all the things that i thought i have learned and i thought i had figured out i couldn't believe i held on to that lie for so long.
So for a long time it was difficult because i didn’t feel good about myself, i wasn't proud of my body and therefore didn't want to show my body and didn't want to be seen. I hid my body in baggy and dark cloths so that i wouldn't see it. I did everything to try to camouflage it.
I felt so depressed about and defeated that i didn’t have the straight to fight it and get back on that weagon.So i thought If I don't embrace hunger, everything I eat is going to make me fat anyway so I might as well just eat.
So i turned to food for comfort not in an exaggerated way but in a way that i knew it was not going to make to me loss the weight that i wanted to. But i knew that not only it was for me a cosmetic issue it was also an emotional issue.
So i started eating things that were commercially held has healthy and "light" and indulged on it. Thinking that i would be good.
Now i can understand that i am that kind of person that because of my emotional issues and my insecurities i'm always going to have weight issues so i have two choices, either i take care of myself in a constant way and that means making lots of sacrifices or i'm going to always have issues with my weigh, and i know that the issues with my weight, specially when i've gained it affect every aspect of my life and what surrounds me. So until i get my act together and salve my deep rooted issues so that i won't turn to food for comfort, it ill always have to be a battle for me. So when i gain weight, it means my life is out of balance. It's not about the food. It's about using food—abusing food. Too much work. Not enough play. Not enough time to come down. Not enough time to really relax.
What am really hungry for is balance. I'm hungry to do something other than the little life that i am living.

So no matter how you look at it a food addict can't conquer his or her addiction completely. This is a problem in your life that's probably going to be a problem in your life for the duration of your life. Your results are simply about how you manage that problem.
Maybe if i talk to a specialist about it, he'll say "well you didn't really learn how to be happy. You might have leaned some things about survival tools and not how to be happy. That's where i know i have a lot of work to do.
My goal is not to be super thin, and i've lost a lot of weight since i woke up.
My goal is to be the weight that my body can hold and be healthy and strong and fit and be itself. One of the things I have to learn to do is to embrace this body that i can feel comfort in and love it.
Once a Writer named Marianne Williamson said about this issue "your overweight self does not stand before you craving food. It's craving love. "It's about extending yourself in so many different directions that you literally become unconscious. You're just trying to get through it all and not giving back to yourself. When you love yourself enough, you take care of yourself."
And i think that she is absolutely right!

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