I wonder why....?

That i would be good when we met again. That i would try to carb my enthusiasm about you and about letting you know how i long for you...
That i would be good even if i felt overwhelming and clingy towards you.
That i would be grant if i wasn't not all knowing.
But all these good intentions end up being misleading and end up getting caught in the mist of the fog that comes after that sun that paradise brings to me when i see you. I don't do it with awareness i can't see it. I can only come to grasp with it when i come out of that fog.
Until that happens, the affect that i have on you is not equated to what i'm involved in. Why ? why does this always happen. I mean i don't really relate it to my personal needs and wants. My issues not solved yet. I separate them. It doesn't mean that i'm not self assured or that i try to place on you all of my dirty laundry or excess baggage that shouldn't be there any more.
The simple reason is that i miss you. And i wish you would cut me some slack and understand this form of vulnerability. I dont understand why it creates such a burden on you, a burden enough that smothers you.
I can't understand why my felt emotions make you feel pressured. I'm not asking you for anything that is not in you capacity to give me. Indulge me for a couple of days and you'll see i'll be satisfied and content. So that i can feel the kind of comfort that i long for when i'm away, that environment that i've come to treasure and hold close to me.
But you react in a way that hurt me. And you get mad when i say you hurt me, that you misunderstand my true intentions. And you isolate from me, keep me at arms lenght for a lil bit until i get my act together.
And i dont know how to react to that. I get scared and confused i don't know were to turn to. Loneliness strikes me and i get defense and resentful and i'm too afraid to express it. I sit on my corner and wait for the thunder storm to leave and you to come out of your cave to look for me.
You're what i come home to, you're where i can expose myself and even feel vulnerable. Where i can show you my private thoughts and feelings i don't share with anyone. Anything that you might say to me that is a compliment i just melt...do you understand that it has nothing to do with solving my personal dramas.
Its about you being my partner and me wanting to share a peace of your life with you. Not to take it away. I know i have to learn from this, i always do and involvements come with it because when i leave, im never the same person that had come to visit you. Some times some damage is done to my inside, but other times good and positive changes come. Constant changes and developments and what ever part of me is left wounded is just i guess what i have to go through.
You speak to me and try to explain it to me, how it is and how you want for it to be for you. And and you it would seam logical that you dont have to explain certain things. That it should be obvious to me. I know that we are different people and that if we want this to work we have to respect it and find ways of communicating and be intimate inspaite the things thats make us different. But i can't see you being that way towards me. I take it so personally what you say to me that i feel as if you do not include my differences in your acceptances.
I know what we have inst easy.We still have to go through a lot. It's difficult to learn to live with somebody, to be unselfish and to be responsible for your behavior—and even to think how you hurt others if you do certain things.
And you to both focus on selfish needs. You go through a transition, if you are committed to each other. You cleanse yourself of all of that baggage, and you look at each other and determine whether the relationship is worth salvaging, whether you really love each other and want to be together. Then you realize, "Wait a minute. I might have been doing this because I just didn't want to think about how this would affect the other person or to allow myself to love someone with emotional intimacy.
Its difficult i know. People say you have to work at it. I know.
Because you are two different people, and you have to respect that. You have to learn not to project your stuff onto the other person. You have to give the other person space to do what he or she wants to do, to not be threatened by his or her absence or achievements.
Sometimes i feel that i have to wear a mask and that its cracking. Is it that i don't know myself, i dont know who i am?. Have i lost my soul and so i need to clingy into you.Where is my self-definition when im next to you? why do i lose my grown and feel intimidated.
But funny things is that if anyone but you asks me questions about my self, i,ll jump right in and monologue about it and its going to feel that is coming from my core.
And when i'm with it you and because of the kind of communication and relationship that we have been building i'm forced almost to confront my cowardness.
You constantly make me see that you can't get past what is keeping you numb and action less, unless you are willing to excavate your feelings. And i some times just don't want to do that, i might even bring up a convincing argument that i have no reason in my life for having to deal with real dramatic issues. But they are there, in my core in my system in the way that i react or overreact to you. In my fear of confronting you with what is bothering me. These feelings that pop up like lil voices in my head.

Yes i know that feelings are important. I think that i am afraid to be in touch with their feelings. That's why i make up all of these kinds of busy stuff "gotta-go-to or i'll miss out". I catch myself continuously gratifying to other stuff so that i dont have to deal with feelings. I can have noise around me or being in a crowd thats loud and it not affect me, because i know its keeping those lil voices very silent. Yet the lil pebble in the shoe is that the only way to know who you are and to project that is to deal with your feelings. And if you have baggage to purge, then you have to go to those you have hurt and say to them "I'm sorry." That's difficult for me to do. Or to go to someone and let them know that they are hurting me.
So i know sweetheart that The only thing that can hold me back is myself. But that doesn't meant that the the things that i tell you can't also be validated or looked into. At least listen...

Mr Wendal * Arrested Development

Here, have a dollar,
in fact no brotherman here, have two
Two dollars means a snack for me,
but it means a big deal to you
Be strong, serve God only,
know that if you do, beautiful heaven awaits
That's the poem I wrote for the first time
I saw a man with no clothes, no money, no plate
Mr.Wendal, that's his name,
no one ever knew his name cause he's a no-one
Never thought twice about spending on a ol' bum,
until I had the chance to really get to know one
Now that I know him, to give him money isn't charity
He gives me some knowledge, I buy him some shoes
And to think blacks spend all that money on big colleges,
still most of y'all come out confused
Mr.Wendal has freedom,
a free that you and I think is dumb
Free to be without the worries of a quick to diss society
for Mr.Wendal's a bum
His only worries are sickness
and an occasional harassment by the police and their chase
Uncivilized we call him,
but I just saw him eat off the food we waste
Civilization, are we really civilized, yes or no ?
Who are we to judge ?
When thousands of innocent men could be brutally enslaved
and killed over a racist grudge
Mr.Wendal has tried to warn us about our ways
but we don't hear him talk
Is it his fault when we've gone too far,
and we got too far, cause on him we walk
Mr.Wendal, a man, a human in flesh,
but not by law
I feed you dignity to stand with pride,
realize that all in all you stand tall

How To Read a Person Like a Book (What lies Underneath)

People surround us in life whether we like that fact or not. There are some situations where we want people and some where we don't want people. In those situations we do desire people we should let them come to us, never forcing the pace, or we might, by our actions scare them off. We see here that an unnatural forcing of the pace manufactures a set of circumstances that most people find unpalatable.

Besides, it would prove worry to do this.

It's all a question of balance. The most balanced person can live with or without people. People neither scare them nor does the lack of people intuit loneliness. These people 'just are' whether they're with people or not.

And, surely, this is what we should be growing toward. Being people not only comfortable with people, but also alone must be the zenith of human 'being' on this planet, in this life.

Yet, we seem destined to swing from one extreme to the other. I certainly do. The are times when I can't stand to be around people; others too when I don't want to be alone. Of course, there are times when I'm happy either way too.

The quality that people find most endearing in a fellow human being is authenticity. If we can be ourselves around people they too can be themselves. We give them permission (funnily enough) to be themselves by virtue of how we interact with them, though some people are so strong within themselves, with ineradicably solid characters, they can simply be themselves no matter the baggage we might carry as we interact with them.

And we too could be like these people-so comfortable either with or without people. This is the free spirit. This is the way life was meant to be from the beginning. And it's a life we can all have now, provided we're happy to be developed.

And our development toward these ends will be helped by nothing more than a complete dedication to truth. We must get to a point where we're not afraid of anything bar the wisdom constructs of the world and the universe, for these embody truth.

All our relationships will take a different and better slant when exposed to truth. Both the quality and the amount of (quality) friendships will increase.

The truth is, always has been, and always will be. It's our beginning, middle and end. It's ever reliable. Taste and you will see.

...stroll down amnesia lane...~

“No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.”
“And only in their dreams can men be truly free It was always thus and always thus will be.”

Morgaine you must strive to find your own voice. Because the longer you wait to begin, the less likely you are to find it at all. Thoreau said, "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation." Don't be resigned to that. Break out!~
This is a battle, a war, and the casualties could be your hearts and souls
Now we all have a great need for acceptance, but you must trust that your beliefs are unique, your own, even though others may think them odd or unpopular, even though the herd may go, "that's baaaaad.

~ Tho much is taken, much abides; and tho We are not now that strength which in old days Moved Earth and Heaven, that which we are, we are; One equal temper of heroic hearts, Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.~ John Keating
We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, "O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless... of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?" Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?~ John Keating

De Ninã a Mujer

Eras niña de largas risadas
y ya me querías bien
tu mirada buscaba la mía
jugabas a ser mujer
Pocos años ganados al tiempo
vestidos con otra piel
y mi vida que nada esperaba
también te quería bien
te extrañaba yo tanto
que al no verte a mi lado
ya soñaba con volverte a ver
y entre tanto te estaba inventando
de niña a mujer
y esa niña de largos silencios
volaba tan alto que
mi mirada quería alcanzarla
y no la podía ver
la paraba en el tiempo pensando
que no debería crecer
Pero el tiempo me estaba engañando
mi niña se hacía mujer
La quería yo tanto
que al partir de mi lado
ya sabía que la hiba perder
y es que el alma les estaba cambiando
de niña a mujer
La quería yo tanto
que al partir de mi lado
ya sabía que la hiba perder
y es que el alma le estaba cambiando
de niña a mujer

Daydream....i fell asleep beneath the flowers, for a couple of hours

I miss your smell and your style
And your pure abiding way
Miss your approach to life
And your body in the bed
Miss your take on anything
And the music you play (and you're rolling of the eye when u listen to my music)
Miss cracking up and wrestling
Our debriefs at end of day or in the middle of the night, when a thought occures

These are the things that I miss
These are not times for the weak of heart
These are the days of raw despondence

I miss your neck and your gait
And your sharing what you write (your voice when you read out loud)
Miss you walking through the front door, you're so tall and handsome
Documents in ine hand, smooties on the other
Miss traveling our traveling, driving along the beach side
And your fun and charming ways....your dimples when you smil

These are the things that I miss
These are not times for the weak of heart
These are the days of raw despondence

Waiting To Exhale

What i want to my words to mean to you...
Some things are just too private to share with others, no matter how intimate you might be with them. Especially if the things that are inside of you are what you're trying to get away from.
You don't come out and say it to me. But i know your daemons sometimes try you and and stand in your way, they cloud the window to your soul.
But unless you approach me with the subject, its not in my place to give you advice or try to council...But i love you and i know sometimes you feel tormented and lost and lonely.

But let me say this if you feel fear, maybe a part of you is breaking free and developing new strength.
Maybe its time to let the old go and accept the new.
If i told you that i personally believe that it it might help to use the fabric of your own life to create authenticity for the emotional complexities you want to talk about. I say this because i know that different parts of us are highlighted dependent on the circumstances we are in and the people that we are with.
That’s why some people turn to books and music and movies or some kind of art as a purpose of communicating or the belief that through communication there can be some kind of healing. As if the idea of fiction is to take the truth, emotional truth and manipulate them so that they can tell a story, and hopefully a story that you can relate to and have answers to.
Can i as you this at the risk of sounding too intrusive...? Are there things inside of you you haven't pulled out and accepted yet?
Are you trying to protect yourself from things that are happening around you. It feels like you want to accept some new things but are afraid of being hurt, and thus you can sometimes attack and get your back up instead of just accepting. I hope i'm helping...its not meant to be intrusive.
You said you had a dream about snakes...It seamed to affect you, disturb your balance. I don't know what to say. Freud say to dream of a snake is to dream of yourself. if the snake turns and bites you it is supposed to be good...a self revelation. What do you think?
But you know from what i have learned and from what i know about you, it can just mean that spiritually it can stimulate greater perception of how to apply your insight and intuition. Your own vision and intuition will become more accurate. I know. You will be able to swallow and digest whatever you take in. Weather the storm as you've always done.
You haven't reached your peake i know, you are God's child and you're blessed with more then you know. You will eventually always adapt to what agrees with what you're thinking. That’s how our mind is built, that's how we maintain sanity.
That’s part of the game. Being able to access who you are and to be able to express yourself and to be able to be in touch with who you are.
Something Big is coming...and its just waiting to exhale.