Faith is a gift that I have yet to receive. And things would be so much easier if i had FAITH - To believe without seing.
Do I believe in God? Well i dont believe in what men say about God, i may not ever understand some of his ways, but i believe in HIM.
Do i believe im myself? do i know my self enough to have a balanced relationship with me. Or one things doesnt imply the other?
I think that, and i'm trying to be as honest to me as i can be, i do know myself. I think that i'm lucky enough to say that i do know myself. I may not know how to handle certain aspects of ME, and a lot of the times i dont want to deal with the things that come out of me, specially when i feel fear or threatened. But i do know myself. I can even say i know all the little things inside of me that i sometimes i deprive myself off in order to make decisions or take chances that i know are not necessarily what i need. They mostly are what i want. But to want and to need are two completely different things. And i have been somewhat ignorante or blinded by my insistance and persistence in going after what i think i need, when it could be just something that i want, but can live with out.
So i live in conflict. I live in conflict and i live in guilt because i know what i do to myself and i know how i've constantly cheating myself out of happiness and specially the relashioship that i should catering to witch is me.
The woman in the mirror, that refletion that i sometimes look at and dont even recognize.
My beautiful soul mate (thats what i consider him, even if the feeling is not receprocated) called me apon that today. He with his infitine wisdom tried to make me, the stuburn person that i am, understand how fundamental it is for me to first and for most have a healthy relationship with me, even if it means being selfish for a while until i find that balance in me.
Im a type of person most of the time can accept my wrong doings and my flaws if they are pointed out to me in a just way and in a way i can relate and undertsand and if it makes sense to me without jeopardize who i am, i can accept it and change.
I have never really thought about my relationship with me, i didnt think it made a difference in my life or was a big deal.I didnt think that it would in the long run affect every aspect of my life. Until today!
Its a good thing that i have been brainstorming a lot lately, because as soon as that information was planted in my brain, i started the process thinking :
We draw to us things that resonate at the same vibration and are in harmony with how we are feeling and thinking. If we want to change what keeps showing up in our life we have to change ourselves. We have to change how we feel about things.
My negative feelings often come from my belief system and judgements, which i make about life and living and the people who are showing up in my life. Its sometimes necessary to bring these beliefs and judgements to the surface of our mind and challenge them. By challenge I mean run them through your mind again and see if they are still serving you.And that is something that i'm not comfortable doing sometimes. Depending on the subject.
I often wonder if these are my own beliefs or have i adopted them from my parents or even people that i have associetated myself with. This fear, this negative perspective did i learn them at school or did they came up to protect myself agains the issues that i was growing up with and found in them a way to hide the pain, desgize it and put up a front of the opposite what what i was going through? I Ask ed myself today what life would be like if i chosen to change my mind about these beliefs? How would my judgements change, how would i view myself and self worth and love for for myself?
What would happen if i changed my perspective on life and who you i am? Ifi choose to see everything as an aspect of myself without any separation just an interaction of love expressed? All relationships were in actual fact a relationship with me flowing energy from one aspect of myself to another aspect of myself, how would that feel? If i stopped judging myself and just enjoyed and accepted me uncondicionally?
Sometimes i feel as if my soul is just a silent witness to the events in my life.
I wonder how it would feel if i became aware that the love in my heart was connected to source that would acertain me and make me believe.
I wonder if the reason why i dont go too deep into myself is that im afraid that im not strong enough to love myself and all that would show up in my life? How would i react to that and in what way would it affect me.
Would i start to appreciate my self worth, my beauty, my intelligence and grace? Value the joy and happiness that i bring to peoples life if i want to. Specially the ones that i love?
Maybe i need to give myself permission stop thinking about myself without judgement. Faith stay with me.
I have to start to nurture and take care of myself as soon as possible. Even if it means being a lil selfish.
If you're really truthful though, you will realize that people are going to eventually do what they want to do anyway. If you want to do what another person wants against your own best interests, sooner or later you are going to become resentful. Then it is only a matter of time before you consciously or unconsciously find a way to "get back" at the other person. This may be hard to swallow but it's the truth. If you bury your own self-interest in favor of someone else's, it will blow up in your face.So to avoid a larger problem later, remember to take care of yourself now.
"loving yourself first and everything else will fall into place. loving yourself first and everything else will fall into place loving yourself first and everythin will fall in to place" Thats what he thought me
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