Beauty and Identidy.
Beauty is skin deep. But, ugly goes straight to the bone. Actually, true beauty is about what kind of person you are, not how beautiful your looks are. I know some beautiful girls, but they are ugly on the inside. Am i beautiful on the inside? Thats what i want to find out.
You once asked me how i felt about getting old. About aging physically. I said i didnt like it, i wasn't prepared and i didn't believe in growing old gracefully.And i feard it a lot, i feard the moment when the time came that i looked in the mirror and i couldnt see youth in me anymore.
You were surprised by my blunt and honest answer. You said you knew that it was problably the way that i felt, but wouldn't have the courage to admite it. Specially to you.
I know that i will have difficulty transcitioning from the beauty of my youth to living with the a face and body that will age.
How will i let go of that kind of possession or obcession, specially when we live in a society that is obcessed with youth and beauty.
You identify with what is most obvious in your life. If you have good looks you are likely to be identified with that.
The thing is that for some years it will work wonderfully for you, if thats what centers you, if that is what you base your life on. You grow up with people telling you that you are beautifull and you get attention and its very tempting to fall into that wooing, because your ego just feels so satisfied and fullfilled. And you think ok, that feels good, and you start seing your self more more from the outside in then the other way. Very hard to resist that vanity.
But then at sometime you start realizing that the body infact does get old. And time (that monster) does something to the body.
And if your life and what you think your value is is based on your physical beauty then when it startes to fade, then who are you?
Im not saying that i only see my value through beauty, but i do like the fact that i have that. What i fear is how will it affect me once it starts to fade away.
Thats what i want to know. Thats what i want to learn. I dont want it to affect me or condition my happiness when nature starts taking its natural course.
I feel that i have a good perception of truth. I'm like to think i'm keen and don't use it to take advantage.At least i like to think that i am.If i commit positive deeds, i don't do them to get ahead, i simply because it makes me feel good. Inspite of my impulsive nature and tempestuas behavior sometimes, my intentions are almost always meant well, witch makes me think that it makes me a good person on the inside.
What makes sense to me and if thought about this, a solution for this and sometimes this is what i come up with.
If you're aware of this, and you know that its going to affect you in the long run. The best way to start your quest is to start while your winning. Witch means, starting dealing with it when your still fell comfortable with your external appearence you have to try and see if you can bring a deeper dimention into your life so you dont live the rest of your life trapped in a physical dependency. So you have to somehow find the balance between the changes that are happening to you and ajusting your innerself to it. And in it facing the fact that what you have on the outside is not going to last.
You have to admit to yourself that the fact that it bothers you is that you have no matter how shallow it may seam. You have linked a large portion of your life and given a big priority to your physical appearence.
I can accept that part. Easly actually. What i find hard is when the day comes that i will look into the mirror and see the traces of time, the lines, the wrinckes, the loss of the glow in the skin...I know me, i know that i will see it as a personal problem. I'll feel as if life has delt me some kind of a blow. Its gonna be hard to see is as the destiny of every human being and not take personally.
Practice acceptence?! how am i going to convince myself of it? how is it going consoul me? Pay attention to my innerbody? My sense of presence? I'm not prepared just yet and the solution i find fo me now is i try not to think about it. Am i wrong? is this living in deniel...?
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