Sunday, January 17, 2010

The Guilt Factor

I once read that if there a feeling that is useless that feeling is GUILT.
All of my life i have felt guilty for all sorts of things, as a mother, as a daughter, as sister, as a co-worker in general as a human being.
And that usually happens when my conscious gets into conflict with my subconscious.
It’s like a lil alarm in my mind trying to wake me u to the fact that whatever the decision that im about to make, or behavior im about to take, or haven taken, goes against my cure self, my values, my gut feelings and the sense that i am compromising my worth, but still will be willing to be stubborn to go through whatever it is that is going to make me feel guilty about it later..
Today is a dark day for me. It’s one of those days that i feel i need the silence so that i can listen to my mind.
This is in no way a sigh of depression, but on days like this it’s as if i I wrestle alone in the dark, in the deep dark, and that only I can know. Only i can understand.
And i get frustrated when i can’t get there, when i can’t find a space where i can dwell in this darkness that is sometimes needed so that you can really go deep inside of yourself. I don’t need witness, i don’t want help when im in this state. Because I’m ok. But people don’t understand the process and interpret is as a somber one, and it became very invasive. I mean i can understand their concern, but gee i think that even the meanest patient, yes, even the very lowest is allowed some say in the matter of her own prescription. Thereby she defines her humanity. I wish, for my sake, and the sake of the people that i love, that I could be happy in this quietness without having to worry about being interrupted. And by this time i have realized that you cannot find peace by avoiding life.
So why should i feel guilty for sometimes just wanting to be left alone. Wanting to think of me as a woman as a human being?
Why are we so attached to our conditioned behaviors and end up always going back to that primarily instinct every time there is an obstacle, even when we think we got it?
That’s why i question the use of guilt as an emotion.
When i feel the need to be left alone and to not think or worry about anything, why can't i do it with a guilt free mind. Why does it have to come attached to it?
Guilt is typically defined as feeling culpable and responsible for things past or possibly for things still to come.
So why it is that i can't convince myself that there is no need to place the burden upon myself. I know that it does make my life worse and usually the outcome and effect that it has on me and my behavior is influenced by this negative emotion.

Guilt is a negative emotion and as such can be very destructive. I know that I personally have a problem with being too hard on myself. I beat myself up about small things and drive myself into the ground for any mistakes made. This problem is also probably linked to the fact that I’m a bit of a temperamental and very impulsive. And when i feel attacked or think that I’m going to be judged or blamed i act on it blindly. I can't see the other side of the matter i can’t even see if im being reasonable. I automatically assume that the fault can't be mine and that I’m being a victim of misunderstandings and misinterpretations. Thus my standards are too high, and I can never meet them. Not meeting my expectations leads me to feeling guilty and aggravated which causes a negative cycle and then it’s all downhill from there.
I have no issue with taking responsibility for my actions; it is doing this by psychologically crippling me which I have a problem with. I know that worrying about all the bad things i have done in life won’t help fix them, only truly accepting responsibility for your actions and by trying to work to improve on how you act can. Guilt is useless, its role is destructive not constructive and as such it should be avoided. But like everything in your life that you have to get fixed, it’s always easier said then done.

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