After a certain point, a heart with so many stress fractures would never be anything but broken.

It's like he is driving a car, okay and I just wanna be in the passenger seat, but he's locked the door and I have to hold onto the bumper.You know, I'm not even asking for him to open the door for me, just leave it unlocked and say come in, but no he didn't do that, so I'm hanging on to the bumper and life goes on and the car goes on and I get really badly bruised and am hitting potholes and it hurts, I mean it hurts and yesterday I had to let go of the bumper because it hurts too much.... it hurts too much.

Remember when you use to think that this love was as good as it could get, and how even though it was painful it felt right. And there was always an explanation for the pain felt?!
I remember. Fear took a hold, fear made it home. Made it feel so comfortable that you would really convince yourself that in fact this was as good as it could get.
Its funny how conveniently you allow yourself to digest lies when you just don't want to feast up on the truth.
I need five minutes, i need a break. I need alone time.

Alone time is when I distance myself from the voices of the world so I can hear my own. And everyone is just gonna have to respect that. Im sorry if i heart your feelings and im sorry if im not emotionally available right now. Sorry...

Be yourself they say. What a cliché, we hear it over and over in literature, fairy tales, songs, but we still don't get it. It might be because we dream, we don't worry whether the dream is worthy of us, but if we're worthy of the dream. So we lose our identities in order to chase what we want, but if we can stay proud of who we are and not run from ourselves, then maybe your dreams, like a prince with a glass slipper, will come find us.
I dream a lot. All kinds of dreams. About water, about air, about a flat tire about so many things. And i know that all of these little messages are trying to bust out - If i only knew what the meant (Or do i??)
Things change, life happens.

And there is nothing like that first person you were so afraid to lose, the one person that changed your expectations and the one that you compare all the future people in your life to, because deep down inside you know that he was the one that set the standard for love. I say this because i believe that It’s not about who you’ve been with, it’s about who you end up with. Sometimes, the heart doesn’t know what it wants until it finds what it wants.
I found out what i want, and i found out what i need...i found love.

I was born with an enormous need for affection,

There's no hard feelings there is no one to blame. Just two people who don't feel the same.
I didnt fight to stay because all you wanted for me to do was leave. I'm not going to miss s you when you don't miss me. I'm not gonna care when you don't care at all, I'm just not going to try at all. You kept my hopes up for much too long. It's about time they come crashing back down to earth.

Why did I do it? I guess because I was sick of you running in and out of my life without some kind of consequence. So here is your close line baby, I hope the fall hurts like hell.
I hated being put in that position. Of forcing myself to let go of the one person I needed in my life. You were the only thing that made sense, but at the same time, the one thing that complicated me. I know that I'm better off without you, but I feel empty when I tried to let go.
Want to know what it was like being in love with you? It was like taking me to the top of the highest mountain, showing me the entire world and telling me "This is everything you can't have".
Sometimes, no matter how long or hard you've loved someone, they'll never love you back. And sometimes, you have to be okay with that.
I hope you know that you were once the most important person in my life for a very long time. You were the guy I thought about while listening to all those songs, the one guy who made me actually look forward to waking up in the morning. You were the guy who could make or break me, who had my heart, but never bothered to do anything about it.
It's funny how we set qualifications for the right person to love when deep in your hearts we know that the person we truly love will always be an exception
I can't pretend anymore.
You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine.
Lightening doesn't often strike twice, it's a once in a lifetime thing. Even if it feels like the shock is coming over and over again. Eventually the pain will go away, the shock will wear off. And you start to heal yourself, to recover from something you never saw coming. But, sometimes the odds are in your favor. And you're just in the right place at just the right time and you can take a hell of a hit and still have a shot at surviving
You used to shine so bright, but I watched all of it fade.
It’s funny how you think you actually mean something to someone, and they just turn around and prove you wrong
When You grow to love someone letting them go is like losing a part of you. Whenver you must let go because it's what is best for you, you keep thinking of reasons to stick around.
If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello.
And it has, and i feel lucky because i was so afraid that i would never be able to feel what it was like to love again, but i have and it feel like sunshine in caressing my skin again.
You will always be a part of my life because i grew up with you (though sometimes it was hard) but now its time to say goodbye to you.

Ten things i need to say...

10 things i really need to say..


1. fuck you all for leaving me.

2. fuck you for leading me on, because i care about you more than i've ever fucking cared about another person in my life. tell me what the fuck it is you want from me because i'd give you everything.

3. fuck you for pretending like you actually ever gave a shit about me. once i stopped making an effort, you all fucking disappeared. you never cared, so you can ease up on the fake bullshit now. i don't need any of you.

4. fuck you for being nothing but a complete hypocrite. you hate being left out the one time a month that actually happens? i don't recall the last fucking time you or anyone else invited me to go anywhere when you're all together. bitches. wanna know what i do every day? work. then i come home and sit by my fucking self all night. if that ever actually happens to you, then we can talk about what lonely feels like. until then, stfu.

5. fuck you for your judgmental, ignorant attitude. i will live my life the way i choose, thanks. your opinion is not needed and sure is hell, isn't wanted.

6. fuck you for watching me slowly wither away in pain and not doing a damn thing about it.

7. fuck you for making me unable to trust anymore.

8. fuck you for never noticing me. someday i'm going to show you what you missed.

9. fuck you for making me believe that i had finally found a best friend that wasn't going to walk away when i fucking needed you the most. i'm done with this guessing game bullshit. you want me in your life, you'll put me there. if not, then i'm done. but i will always fucking love you more than life itself, and i will always be here.

10. fuck you for turning me into this self conscious mess. you treated me like shit. you verbally abused me until i was at your feet begging for mercy. fuck you for turning me into someone i never wanted to be. i don't know how to undo the damage you've done to me.



i'm really sorry this is such an angry post. but i'm breaking down, and i don't know how to fix it. i don't want to hurt anymore. i've lost everything that meant anything to me

For Morpheus

"I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest woman on earth. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and how you are with Spencer, "Spence," and in every single thought that you have, and how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food, and clear their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me"
* As good as it gets
Thats how Morpheus sees me and thats what he sees. He sees the beauty in me that i find hard to put a finger on. He spellbounds me with his words and his voice and his everything. I think im i love...
I dont know when he started shifting my thoughts towards him, i really dont. All i know is one day out of the blue, i woke up and for the first time HE was the one i was thinking about. And it started then and it hasnt stopped till this day.
Oh this state of ecstasy
Nothing but he could ever give to me this liberty, this feeling of the wind in my face.
And I’m giggling again for no reason
I am dancing with my friends in elation. I've taken adventures to new levels of fun
I can feel the bones are smiling in my body I can see the meltings of inhibition
This state of ecstasy I’m reeling jubilation Triumphant in delight
I am at home in this high five And I’m smiling for no reason
I could kiss a million guys and it still wouldn't mean as much as holding your hand.
So Morpheus, i dont think im in love...I KNOW IM IN LOVE AND ITS YOU!

I forgot about you!

My feelings just changed. I had been waiting for you to realize you couldn't go another day without me. I had played out every excuse you could of had for putting all that time between us. Missing you had become second nature to me. And somewhere between the pain you caused and your need to approach me again. When I never expected to hear from you I just stopped feeling like I needed you so much.
i let you go and i forgot. i forgot those late night conversations. i forgot how much i trusted you, how much i told you. i forgot how it felt to hug you. i forgot how much i talked to you, how much i talked about you. i forgot how much my writing was about you. i forgot all the songs i ended up relating to you. i forgot how, for some ridiculous reason, everything you said made me laugh. i forgot how good i felt when you were just in the room. i forgot how the chance of seeing you got me through the day. i forgot the stomach dropping feeling i got when my phone buzzed. i forgot how good i felt because of you. i forgot how i could be myself around you. i forgot being woken up early every morning by text messages. i forgot what it felt like to actually have the idea that i was good enough. i forgot how i imagined all kinds of awesome scenarios. i forgot how it felt to, maybe just maybe, want the one who wanted me back. i forgot all of your rants about your interests. i forgot all of your tastes in music. i forgot all the shows you watched. i forgot what time you'd usually text me. i forgot everything you told me that hurt me or made me happy. i forgot everything about you and you know what i came back to my memory ?! ME!

Collide

1- i may not have ended up where i intended to go, but i think i ended up where i needed to be.

2- it's strange how memory gets twisted and pulled like taffy in its retelling, how a single event can mean something to everyone present.

3- just because people treat you like shit, just because you may feel like shit sometimes, doesn’t mean you are shit. you can make something out of your life. you can give of yourself in this world to make it a better place.

4- so today i read something psychologist said. He said that the majority of people live within a box, and that’s their entire reality. all they see is the inside of the box, and they’re ‘asleep’ to anything else. people that have suffered from some form of mental illness are ‘awake’, because they've seen reality outside the box. he said no matter how hard people try to put that person back into the box, they will never fit, because they’ve seen something beyond it all.

5- she’s the girl that believes that what comes around goes around. the one that hopes for a better day. the one that won’t give up on you. she’s the girl that’s unlike the rest. the one that spent her days smiling, and her nights crying. she’s the girl that would love to be loved. the one that looks so damn strong, but feels so weak. she’s the girl that picks herself up every time she falls.

6- even though i'm moving on, i will never forget you. all because you were my first true love. and there will come a time in my life when i will thank you for that because by you breaking my heart, it made me a little bit stronger and you made me a little bit closer to finding the one that i'm meant to spend the rest of my life with. the scary thing is; all the pain you put me through, with a snap of your fingers i'd run back so fast. so i bet you love to know you can have me at any moment if you want.

7- don't come back to me, asking for a chance.I wont, i gave you far too many, you were just too blinded by your deamons to see it. so when i finally find someone who i could possibly fall in love with, don't come by saying i never gave you a chance. i gave you one, a big one. i was in love with you for so long. i waited, but i'm done waiting.

8- you don't like me? i don't care. you think i'm stubrn & stuck up? well, that's your opinion. you think I could lose some pounds? well, i will tell you right now that you are nothing close to perfect. the point is, what people think does not matter one single bit. just love yourself because in reality you can't love anyone else if you don't love yourself.

9- reach for the stars, stand on your tiptoes, and never tell yourself no. you, yes you, can achieve anything. it may take months, it may take years, but when you finally have a firm grasp on a star, the reward is breathtaking.

10- before you can grow up, you must fall in love three times. once, you must fall in love with your best friend, ruining your friendship forever. this will teach you who your true friends are, and the fine line between friendship and more. once you must fall in love with someone you believe is perfect. you will learn that no one is perfect, and that you should never be treated as anything less than you deserve. and once, you must fall in love with someone that is exactly like you. this will teach you about who you are, and who you want to be. and when you're through with all that, you learn that the people who care about you the most are the ones that you hurt, and the ones that hurt you are the ones that needed you the most. but most of all, you learn that love is only a concept and is not something that can be defined, it is different to each and every person on this earth, knowing that everyone only wants to be loved.

11- i don't need a rose, i want a daisy you'll picked for my hair. i don't want a box of fancy chocolates, i want a burnt cookie you'll made just for me. i don't want to go to some upscale restaurant, let's just have a picnic in the park. we don't have to go to a club, we can just dance on my front porch until we're tired.

12- when i like a person, i actually like them. it's not one of those three day crush type things. it's a hardcore, can't get them off my mind thing. and that's why i haven't liked all that many people. but eventually i get over them when i find someone new. but with him, no matter who i find, i can't erase him. he's going to be the one i'll always like.

13- i hope you know that you were once the most important person in my life, for a very long time. you were the guy i thought about while listening to all those songs, the one guy who made me actually look forward to waking up in the morning. you were the guy who could make or break me. who had my heart, but never bothered to do anything about it.

14- it's funny how you can be face to face with someone and yet it feels as though you're on the other side of the world from them. they haven't actually gone anywhere, but they might as well have. it's one of the worst feelings to become acquainted with: to miss someone who's literally right there.

15- too often we're scared. scared of what we might not be able to do. scared of what people might think if we tried. we let our fears stand in the way of our hopes. we say no when we want to say yes. we sit quietly when we want to scream and we shout when we should keep our mouths shut. why? after all, we do only go around once, there's really no time to be afraid. Just do it.

16- he didnt really do anything wrong to me. i mean yes i liked him more than he obviously liked me, but the only thing he is truly guilty of is teasing me. it's the cute texts, the long hugs, the way he makes me feel. all he's guilty of is making me insanely happy and then taking that away by dating other girls and never wanting to truly be with me. i can't even blame him for it. it's my fault for falling so damn easily.

17- she's deeper than you think she is. she has secrets of her own, little secrets no one must know, but all you see is the outer image, the genuine smile and funky flip flops. she smiles because that's who she is, but there is pain, and hurt, you just can't see it. you see what she wants you to see, you'll never know the truth. she's scared that you will judge her, but even if you don't make a sound, you won't ever see the things that bring her down.

18- i don't think you're leaving. i think you're running. and what i can't figure out is, are you running towards something you want? or are you running away from something you're afraid to want?

19- you only find a few people in this world, a few people who will tell you they love you and actually mean it with all their heart. don't forget those people who stood by you through it all, the special few that were there for you until the very end.

20- strength is nothing more than how well you hide the pain.

Spacebound

1- people too weak to follow their own dreams will always find a way to discourage yours.

2- i know that there are days when you feel that your heart is broken again. do you know why? because instead of walking forward, you hurt yourself by looking back.

3- this year, do what makes your happy and forget about the things that may stand in the way of that feeling. let go of the pain that was caused by trying to find love and this year, let love find you. you have 365 days to make it wonderful.

4- missing someone gets easier everyday because even though you are one day further from the last time you saw them, you are one day closer to the next time you will.

5- distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. it's for the ones that are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. it's for those knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough.

6- someday, everything will come together. but until then, live it up; do what makes you happy. if someone doesn't agree, then screw them. pick yourself up and deal when shit happens. remember that mistakes only make us stronger, everything happens for a reason, the only regrets you will have in life are the risks that you didn't take, and well-behaved women rarely make history. above all else, go with your gut and guard your heart.

7- imagine a world with endless dreams, dreamt with all eyes open. a world filled with sunshine beams and words for the deaf spoken. imagine a world in color and the black and white will soon go. a world where we can love each other and where every star can glow.

8- buy a blank notebook. draw a huge heart on the cover. don't write anything negative in here. if you need another outlet, make a separate notebook. this one is all about love, personal growth and getting back up. fill it with beautiful images, reaffirming thoughts and quotes. write in it every day and each day write one thing you are grateful for in your life.

9- here's to the nights when the grass is your seat, the heat from the fire kisses your feet, your friends out-number the stars, and even the chilliest of nights, are still warmer than the cold one in your hand.

10- you're a book written in ten different languages. all of them beautiful. none of them i understand.

11- so, please, just be patient. i'm so afraid to care about someone. i know it seems like i'm this strong girl who can get through anything, but inside i'm very fragile. i've had so many things thrown at me, and each one has only made a crack. what i'm afraid of is shattering.

12- the best moments in reading are when you come across something, a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things that you'd thought special, particular to you. and here it is, set down by someone else, a person you've never met, maybe even someone long dead. and it's as if a hand has come out and taken yours.

13- i want to draw something that means something to someone. you know, i want to draw blind faith or a fading summer or just a moment of clarity. it's like when you go and see a really great band live for the first time, and nobody's saying it but everyone's thinking it: we have something to believe in again. i want to draw that feeling but i can't. and if i can't be great at it then i don't want to ruin it. it's too important to me.

13- in life, we do things. some, we wish we had never done, and some we wish we could replay a million times, but they made us who we are, and in the end they shape and detail us. if we were to reserve them, we wouldn't be the person we are today so just live. make mistakes and have wonderful memories. but never for a second forget who you are, where you've been, and most importantly, where you're going.

14- sometimes when things are out of wack, it freaks us out a little and makes us feel like we're losing something thats really important, and that scares us even more, so we try really hard to hold on to whatever it is we think we're losing and sometimes, we hold on a little too hard.

15- sometimes you think you've gotten over a person, but when you see him smile you suddenly realize, you're just pretending you're over him to ease the pain of knowing that he will never be yours.

16- it's a traffic jam when you're already late. it's a no smoking sign on your cigarette break. it's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife. it's meeting the man of my dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife. and isn't it ironic? don't you think it's a little too ironic?

17- an apology doesn't make things right. if anything, it just helps you sleep better at night. i know you meant well, but words will never change a thing. you're so selfish, you wouldn't even let me in on the coldest of nights.

18- i wish my mom told me the same thing about boys as she did scary movies, "don't worry honey, they're all fake." i wanted a perfect ending. now i've learned the hard way that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, or end. life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's to happen next. life flies by so you have to embrace it, forget the past cause you can't erase it.

19- you're not special to me anymore. i'm used to this now. i've been hurt before. so leave me alone like you've always done, because you've hurt me too much to be the right one.

20- the worst way to miss somebody is to be sitting right next to them knowing you can't have them.