Sunday, October 18, 2009
Sometimes you get so mad at me, your eyes look at me with what it seams to be almost hatrate(which i hope it isn't) and i cant understand what I've done.
You bring me home and go back outside and leave me alone, and i yet again can't understand. What is it that makes you do these things and have these reaction towards me. You afraid that the chemicals are going to release something that you dont want to deal with?
I get so mad and sad and confused and i come to lay on the sofa. Bruce Springsteen comes to my mind, THE BOSS. I know that he can keep company while i wait for you to back from where you're gone to get away from my and my some what miss leading behaviors.
So the Boss is singing to me, and for that among of time everything is ok and cool.
Free my mind from internal bullshit that i put myself on.
Devils and dust. Confusion and being put in a place where your choices are untenable.And the price that that inflicts in your blood and in your spirit.
So when i'm looking at you, i don't know if i'm seeing if i'm seeing myself. I dont know if i'm seeing my fears...if i'm seeing my highest ideals.
The problem is that i have to know this. I know that i can't be separated from the things that have given my life shape until now. The things that ground me and that i recognize as myself. I'm just trying to survive, and i got God on my side. But what what if what you do to survive kills the things you love? What if what you do to stay alive destroys some part of you. What if what you do, destroys your ideals?
Fear is a powerfully thing (yes it is) it will take your God felled soul and fill it with devils and dust.
Tunnel of love and the issues of identity and love. Like "who am i, and where do i belong and where am i gonna be." So i guess i can say that we all have multiple selves.Thats just the way we are built. The self is a mysterious thing.
I sometimes wonder if i know enough of myself to be honest with that person. But a funny thing happens. Thoughts sift their meanings in your state of mind, in your serenity, in your anxiety...in time. Im just struggling to do right.