Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind
I know by now that i am that kind of person that sometimes in order to understand or to accept that i'm wrong it has to be done cold and raw...sometimes cruel. Someone once told me that, along time ago. I don't listen and things turned out against me.
I know you don't like me blogging about you, but only i know you exist. To anybody who will eventually read this, you will always be an anonymous person.
But its the only way i have to gets things out of me. You know i'm not prepared to tell you certain things. I always fear your reaction and i know the truth about your feelings and it doesn't make it better.
You've always told me, and i have always accepted it. It's been my choice to accept these terms. I have my very personal and private reasons for doing so, but i wont share it with anyone.
Me and you are different in our way of being socially speaking. You have your habits and i have mine. We're both conditioned by them, whether they are healthy habits or not. Its what we know for sure that is what is best for us.
Well sometimes i know, other times i act on auto pilot and thats why i realize that you might be right with what you say.
I Was hurt with the things you told me, even tough some of them where not new to me. But i tell you this and i hope that it can be some kind of explanation to the way my anxiety affects your sanctuary and your peace. You're right one of the main reason is to me, in my mind, i have a limited amount of time (which i might not get back) and so i try to suck it all in live it all at ounce without even realizing that if i just relax and sit down i will enjoy intimacy with you more then i will if i walk out the door and go chase thrills. Thats crazy
But even tough you have our disagreements there is a spiritual bond that connect us and we crossed each others paths for a reason that is beyond our understanding but enough to make us realize that if we let go, we stand to lose.
Because i am conscious of the truth about how you feel about me, its a very big obstacle in my mind. And you may say "well that you!" and i agree. But still even tough am not forced into this situation, just the notion of it enables me a lot of the time to let me guards down and just relax and appreciate your company, your presence even in silence. All my anxiety comes from that core knowledge and its hard to get past that. Fear is a terrible thing and when fear is infiltrated in your mind not yet solved it can create chaos and instability. And thats me.
So my world is transformed into this unknown and unknowable place.
And all i have in this other world that i create when i feel threatened (like a snail in its shell)is theses negative thoughts and fears and confusing paradoxes.
That's all im able to give in our connection in those times of conflict.
Its like i have a 60 pound stone on my back, a 60 pound job of what i must do to rid myself of these daemons and i have the tools that i need to do it.
The unspoken text in the silence when i feel your look on me trying to get a reaction, a response to what your telling me. And i can't
I wish i was surrounded by sacred things (may i feel your arms around me)This is what i need i need your arms i need your shelter i need your comfort. This is what i;m going to miss, your physicality.
Man thats just life life life up there on the edge of something else.
Don't give up on me. I can be a slow learner when it comes to these subjects but i will internalize my craft as i grow and learn.
Like a second skin that you feel with. So i pray to the Gods of creativity and aliveness, that i remain awake and alert and in command of my senses. So that when the moment arrives, i am ready. Thats the rising. When i'm ready the teachers will come. So just have faith in me, because when my true self that is here and that you have sometimes witnessed comes out...You will see me.