Tuesday, December 15, 2009

I just wanted to wash away from the soul the dust of everyday life.

You know, the one that asks what is the sound of one hand clapping. I don't know the answer to that one. But ask me what's the sound of one soul akin and I might have an answer. It’s the sound of the rain that doesn't ever stop, the sound of all the doors in the world shutting and closing in your face at the same time, It's the sound of your own voice calling out to someone who isn't there, it’s the cold, uncaring stillness of the air you share your space with.
Welcome to the dark side of solitude.

I don't expect you to always have an answer for me. Its not that. I wasn't coming to you for a repair. i just kinda needed a shoulder to cry on. I just wanted to be wrapped around your contagious laughter. I just wanted to hear you say something that would make me smile...
But you weren’t there yesterday. I could feel it as soon as you picked up the phone, i know your tone of voice so well.
I'm not blaming you, I’m not mad at you. I just feel sad, because last night i really needed you to be there with me.
I was mentally exhausted and physically strained, i needed to be still and quite. It didn't matter if i was alone, but you're voice would have been so healing.
So i set there in the silence of my chilled car, looking at the phone, not knowing how to feel. But having the strong urge to feel sorry for myself.
Maybe i haven’t really expressed how your healing power affects me. How you have that ability. I'm not saying that its an enslaved power, but a just a simple healthy power, a positive energy.

I don't get moved by much,but i do get affected by lil things when they mean too much to me.
I wasn't going through any insecure thing, not going insane either. Rational stays in touch and thats good.
I wasn't sad because you were busy, Cause I've got things to do too and i know how it is when you need to be focused
Its not that I’m needy ( i use to be). I don't get clingy much (i know i use to)
I'm not scared .'m not afraid as such; I'm not dependent (i know I use to be)
Rock solid, stays in touch, has to.
But yesterday was a bad day...i needed just a "sweetie". And me, being that clumsy girl you know, i felt like a stupid silly lil girl lost in translation.
I felt no reciprocity, i just felt the echo of my embarrassment. Triggering unknowingly an awkward situation.
I felt i was spending energy to prove to you things that didn't need validation, words were coming out of my mouth and each syllable was worse then the other. Like i was digging a hole to hide my head in, when that was not what i needed to do.

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind. I can withhold like it's going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby and you've never met anyone who is as negative as I am sometimes.

I can be the wisest woman you've ever met. I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected. I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone. Who's as positive as I am sometimes?
I can be the funniest woman that you've ever known and the dullest too.
I'm the most gorgeous woman that you've ever known
And you've never met anyone who is as everything as I am sometimes

But last night i was none of that, i was a lost soul in the dark. Closed down by my blues. And what I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know.
But i needed you so much yesterday but your phone was off the hook...

Hey, if God will send his angels. I sure could use them here right now
Well, if God will send his angels...

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