Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Never Give the devil a ride, he will always want to drive...and i can feel it when the devil is ridding you.
I know what you're going through. I mean, i can imagine. Because i couldn’t possibly know What you're going through.
But i wanted in some silent and respectful way to tell you and i want for my words to somehow in a selfish way to remind you, that i am here and that i am part of your story, a part that is unconditional, loyal, true faithful and present.
I can't erase the pain others caused you, i didn't exist back then. I wish i could take it all away from your memory, but i know it would be unnatural and with would probably change the course of your history. The root of your lifes circustantances.
I wish that i could find words that gave you peace of and and closure, but maybe its not in my place to do it. Good will is not enough, love instar enough sometimes...
But ican tell you that from the little that i know, in the larger questions in life, and how to approach life in what is right and wrong, the path is actually quite clear, its up to you weather or not you chose to take it.
I can say that almost everything that is good my life has shaped by finding in you a person that has thought me to learn about me, learn to love me, take care of me, make myself happy before i can take a step towards someone.
When i met you i didn’t even know the significance of low self-esteem. And the tragic thing about it is that is was my most castrating issue i had. I knew slightly about the symptoms, but i had no idea how it had taken over me for so long. I never had explored it, i never took the time to even lay the foundation for a beginning of a research.
My thinking was completely distorted, my emotions and my actions weren't even being explored.
My thinking was affected and infected by irrational beliefs that were unfounded in reality, but but motivated by the need to induce guilt, fear, mistrust, insecurity and manipulation. No meat in the bones.
This kind of irrational thinking made me to develop negative self-scripts that kept my self-esteem low made me feel bad about myself.
In my mind, my emotions and feelings were distorted because i felt (witch might have been a produced of my imagination)I was not allowed to express feelings in a "normal" healthy way. I was convinced that i was always expected to be extrovert and funny and looking good, and not express anything negative.
With that kind of conditioned thinking, i felt i was not encouraged to be overly expressive about any drama i might have been going through. And consequently because i kept it inside and never analyzed it and acted mostly on impulse, when i did express myself, it would come out in an exaggerated and explosive way. Resulting most of the time in depression and frustration. I remember that to keep my sanity, i tried to control people around me and the events and circumstances that surrounded me. I didnt know how to take control of my thinking, feelings and behaviours.
Anger for instance, i was so controlled by my anger (that had no specific foundation)that i took pleasure inbeing hostile and explosive and i couldn't rest until i hurt someone verbally ,and most of the time it was people that i loved. And it resulted in faulty communications and an incredible inability to express my feelings or even to listen to others and reflect about their feelings and how i was affecting them, i had no skill for that. I had no emotional balance.
I know from the research that i have done over this subject that has stood in the way of my peace of mind, that its not an easy task, but a long and slow process. And these old habits are hard to break. I have fantasy dreams of the way things are supposed to be, and these dreams die hard. I know that the path to come afloat involves a lot of hard work and effort.
To correct my way of thinking i'll need to learn what "normal" is and to get in touch what was is reality in my life. I'll need to identify, discard and replace negative self-scripts. I need to be thought how to identify and label my feelings. Give myself permission to have both negative and positive feelings. Courage to get in touch with how i feel about the reality in my life. True self felt feelings and acceptance of responsibility for my own actions and not blame others. It may even need a rewriting and a change in my old personality traits. Replacing it with healthy coping skills they will be able to help me with the stresses in my life in a more productive way. To be able to put problems and concerns, and conflicts and issues that come into anybodies everyday life. To put things in a correct perspective way, but in a perspective way without becoming too idealistic. That’s a good goal.
A lot of issues need to be addressed and commitment is needed to keep the focus clear and direct.
Funny, i came here to write words o support to you and i end up reflecting on me. Maybe we mirror each other with our issues...
Bu you inspire me, to be the higher me. You made my desire pure, you made my desire pure. I can't find the words to say enough. I had almost no identity.
Oh how i wished you could touch me. Touch my mouth with your hands, you can't understand the meaning of your embrace, the affect it has on me, but I’ve tried may times to explain it, but they are just simple words and all i can say and all i can come up with is that if feels like coming home.
Thats why i know when you're troubled and the Devi’s ridding you. All i can do, and i know you appreciate it is keep silent and respectively await your return to me.