Saturday, May 22, 2010
I care about you deeply and I always will. But I can't visit you. If you're wondering why I "can't" it's because I simply don't want to.
Once a long time ago in a full moon God sent me a good wolfie that i thought would be the root that would sustain my tree...but he turned out to be a leaf that was meant to be in my life for just a season and i made the mistake of thinking that you can seasonal people up with lifetime expectations.
And i had life time expectations. I'm not saying that you gave them to me, but i created them for us.
I think about how you treated me, how you talked to me, how I allowed you to often bring out the worst in me. I think about your inability to love me the way I needed to be loved, and the way that I simply acquiesced to take from you whatever love it was that I could get. I think about how you used that to make me feel that I wasn't as intelligent, special, or worthy of respect as I am. I think about how you saw the energy and vitality that I possessed, and while it was what first attracted you to me, you tried to crush and destroy it. You and I had a long and complicated saga. We both did things we shouldn't have. We both said things we shouldn't have...
But it is over now, and I would like it to stay that way.
I remember the girl that I was before i met you, and I didn't like her. She was spiteful. She was angry. She was mistrustful. And she doubted herself, her beauty, and her strength. When i met you i got to changing lil by lil, I left the other girl, and emerged as something different even from the girl I was before we met.
So, while I wish you nothing but the best, i hope that you will find the happiness that you so long for. I hope that you can find someone in your life that you have the qualities that you could never get from me.
One of my best traits and, ironically, also one of my biggest flaws, is my propensity to be ridiculously optimistic in the face of adversity. If I wasn't that way, then I wouldn't have achieved half of the accomplishments that I have today. I wouldn't be on the verge of finally, finally picking up & setting off in the pursuit of my dreams... At the same time, if I wasn't that way I wouldn't have been betrayed by so many "friends" or stayed with a man that couldnt or wouldnt love me back.
But life is circular like that.
There is a blessing in every lesson; I don't regret you. But I am over you.