Sunday, May 23, 2010
Life after the Good Wolfie...
"We are told to remember the idea, not the man. Because a man can fail. He can be killed and forgotten. But four hundred years later an idea can still change the world. I've witnessed firsthand the power of ideas. I've seen people kill in the name of them; and die defending them. But you cannot touch an idea, cannot hold it or kiss it. An idea does not bleed, it cannot feel pain, and it does not love. And it is not an idea that I miss, it is a man. A man who made me remember the fifth of November. A man I will never forget."
I could say "I didnt see it coming" . But i know that i would be lying.
God always sends you a sigh, or sighs...A lil voice on the back of your mind thrying to tell you to pay attention. The Gutt feeling, the intuition...all of this is Gods way of telling you that something is wrong.
This is what i've learned after all these years and experiences. If somebody wants to walk out of your life, let them go.Specially when you're done everything that you can do, and been the best man or woman you could be, and they still wanna go. Let them go!
Some people come into your life for a life time, some come for a season, and you have to know witch is witch. And you're going to always mess up when you mix seasonable people with lifetime expectations.
And thats what i did. I believed and trully believed that he was the person that would be in my life for a lifetime. I had lifetime expectations with him.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest, My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
And yesterday i was angry, but today im sad. And still im in a daze, it hasnt really hit me yet. That my good wolfie is out of my life.
I dont even want to think about it. I'd rather maintain the anger, because i know that while i maintain it. While i cover it with hate, i will be protected from the pain that is going to come.
Five years of great expectations, intensive experiences, teachable moments, bliss and happiness, sorrow, hurt, pain, love...
I loved him. I loved him like i never loved anyone else. And i know this because the love i felt came from the core of who i was. It came from under my skin. It came from the purest of myself. He really was my everything and i was willing to do anything for him. Anything to be with him. But now he's gone.
He says he needs to be alone. I dont fit in his new life. There's not a role i can play in his new life. I just dont belong in his life anymore.
Day one day one start over again. Step one step one
with not much making sense just yetI'm faking it til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as i And not as we. And im scared.
Im scared of when the pain starts coming down on me. Im scared of when i start to miss you...
When i start missing your smell and your style and your pure abiding way
Miss your approach to life and your body in the bed
Miss your take on anything and the music you would play at night before we slept
Miss cracking up and wrestling. Our debriefs at end of day
These are the things that I will miss . These will not times for the weak of heart
These will not be the days of raw despondence.
And I never dreamed I would have to lay down my torch for you like this
I'll miss your neck and your gait, and your sharing what you write.
I'll Miss you walking through the front door documentaries in your hand
Miss traveling our traveling and riding with you, my feet print on your car window...
These will the things that I'll miss
One step one prayer. I soldier on, stimulating moving on.
I'll miss your warmth and the thought of always coming back to you.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.