Sunday, June 20, 2010
Soul Mate?! I thought you were
It`s completely impossible to find a guy who won`t ever hurt you. so go for the guy who will make the pain worthwhile. And i did. I just didnt know with would hurt that bad. Jetsky gulf-cost, that beautiful warm water...you turn around and kiss me. It was not so long ago. It was like yesterday. Why? why did u let me go, why did u gibe up on me?!
Sometimes when a person means that much to you, not even the truth can change your mind.
I know it seems like i`m this strong girl who can get through everything, but inside im pretty fragile. I`ve had so many things thrown at me,and each one has only made me crack. What i`m afraid of is that one of these days i`m going to shatter.
And you broke my heart. And you acted like somehow it was my fault, misunderstanding,
and I was too in love with you to ever be mad at you, so I just punished myself.
I'm trying to move on. I really am. I try to tell myself that you don’t want me and I can’t have you anymore. I try so hard, but how can you let go of the only person who makes you happy? The only person who makes you feel alive? The only reason you’re still here? You just can’t let go of someone like that.
But i cant talk to you.
I don't talk to you anymore and please believe me when I say it's not that I don't want to, it's just that everything I want to say I can't tell you anymore.
Its almost like suicide. You give so much to that special someone that you sometimes end up killing yourself inside.
But i know that no matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing. being lonely, being alone, for many people, sucks. i get it, i get it, i get it. but still i have to say that yes, my belief is that being with somebody who makes you feel shitty or doesn't honor the person you are is worse. life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with. you deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time.
And i know that there will come a time When you'll be thinking about me and you'll miss me, and i'll completely fine. Remember how I felt, and remind yourself this is what you wanted. Because with every day coming and going, I'll learn how to be okay without you. And I can't wait for the day when I get to look at you and feel absolutely nothing.
Im sorry if it what feel is hate, but it comes and goes. It might just be a protective mode i deciced to adapt to numb the pain...Not For a single moment I want to feel like the universe isnt going to crush me; and my heart isnt about to explode.
But you dont know, probably dont care, because You'll never understand how much I hurt because you're not the one crying, you're not the one who is left behind, you're not the one who loved too much, and you're not the one who's holding on to someone that's gone
And if you say "i didn't mean to break your heart," before you finish the words you'll hear from me are "i didn't mean to fall in love either, but we all make mistakes.
Right now I just want to live my life without you. I want to be able to wake up each morning and not wish you would call me. I want to be able to walk around with a smile and pass right by you without a second glance, without noticing that you never gave me one.
I want to be immune to you and how you're hurting me. I just want to sit here and hate you. I need to find a way to deal with my pain and anger. I wish I could make you disappear. You want to know what my problem is? My lips say I hate you. But my heart whispers I still love you too much.