The pursuit of love gets mixed up with the pursuit of life."

To those of you who have pushed me - thank you. Without you, I wouldn't have fallen. To those of you who have laughed at me - thank you. Without you, I wouldn't have cried. To those of you who just couldn't love me - thank you. Without you, I wouldn't know what real love is. To those of you who hurt my feelings - thank you. Without you, I wouldn't have felt them. To those of you who left me lonely - thank you. Without you, I wouldn't have discovered myself. But, it is to you I thank the most, because without you, I never would have tried.



I should hate him for the ways he's treated me. Except that I don't. I wish I did. I wish I could. Maybe that's what real love is; not hating someone when you have every reason to

Well, I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did. And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did and I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did. And you didn't mean to hurt me, but you did.

We run back to each other when it's convenient. We know that in the end, we're meant for each other but not for right now. So we play these games, act like we're okay when one of us has someone else. When in reality it tears us apart to know that we can be happy with someone else. But it's that slight hope that we will end up together that always keeps us running back for more.

I could really use a wish right now

I couldn't stay away.I tried.I tried so hard but he broke heart
Every morning my thought goes to him, and he stays in her dreams when the world gathered its blanket of darkness.
"I've made him something near perfect," i told myself. "But dreams settle a body down better than nightmares
And I guess that's when I finally understood. I'd been part of his life, a past i wanted to forget. And now... there's nothing to do... but go. Only I didn't. I couldn't. There are things in life that matter, things in the past which can't be denied. he was part of me, and I was part of him. And no matter what, for as long as we live... I know I can never let him go
And i want him to know this without me having to say it. I've said and done so much!
i want him to know that different or weird, she's unique; she's special. Don't take that for granted, because it was that special something that caught your eye in first place.

Dear Nathen

I'm so disapointed in myself for still having feelings for you - after everything. Even knowing the differences between us doesn't stop me from wanting to be with you. I know i confused you when i said i didn't want to ever hear from you but you have to understand, I dont know how to be a part of your life as a "friend". you don't believe in the things that are important to and define me.. But that doesn't change the way you make me feel. and thats the scary part. its scary because we come from totally different worlds and there would be a day when those two worlds would collide, and they did. I mean, i was so willing to give myself away to you completely and i don't think i ever understand that you not like like me or you were not as willing. You wanted things from me that i didnt how to give. and in a moment of strength, you were able to walk away before i could seriously get hurt. But if you hadn't put a stop on it, i know i would never want to say no and i'm not going to give myself the chance to let that happen. i'm young and i don't trust myself to say no.. especially in those moments when we were so close and you werent afraid to give yourself to me, for just a lil bit and holding me. Of course, i want it to end.

so thats why i did what i did. i'm praying for you because i want you to find God so badly. then everything would be perfect. it wouldn't change everything right away; that takes time. but there would be some safe ground, you know? common values. thats key for me Nate. i'm sorry it has to be so complicated. i wanted do much to understand you better.. all the love aside that i felt for you, i think we could actually have had something unique and long lasting, but we where not on the same level of though or state of mind and i cant blame you for that. i think i can be strong enough to be a friend for for you one day. But dont ask that from me now. i'll try.But not just yet. I still can get over the fact that you just gave up on me.
Life without you is a living nighmare...i miss my love, i miss my best friend i miss my parter i miss that one person that i could share my everything with. And you cant just put that to the side and hope it dissapears by it self. It doesnt get to happen that way...

If being sane is thinking there's something wrong with being different....I'd rather be completely fucking mental.

When I get logical, and I don't trust my instincts - that's when I get in trouble.

If I didn't have my writting as an outlet for all the different sides of me, I would probably be locked up.

And barefoot or first thing in the morning, I feel beautiful. Because I feel like me. I didn't always feel that way, but I feel that way now. When somebody just loves you, and when you make somebody happy, when your presence seems to make them happy, you suddenly feel like the most beautiful person in the world.

I've been reckless, but I'm not a rebel without a cause.

I think all women go through periods where we hate this about ourselves, we don't like that. It's great to get to a place where you dismiss anything you're worried about. I find flaws attractive. I find scars attractive.

I like someone who is a little crazy but coming from a good place. I think scars are sexy because it means you made a mistake that led to a mess.

Where ever I am I always find myself looking out the window wishing I was somewhere else.

People say that you're going the wrong way when it's simply a way of your own.

Without pain, there would be no suffering, without suffering we would never learn from our mistakes. To make it right, pain and suffering is the key to all windows, without it, there is no way of life.

I'm extremely honest, and I pride myself on it. I don't try to be shocking. I'm playful, and I know when something I'm saying is maybe shocking, but it's just the truth, I never wanted to be scary to people or upsetting to people. I simply want to live the way I need to live.

If I make a fool of myself, who cares? I'm not frightened by anyone's perception of me.

What nourishes me also destroys me.

I don't believe in guilt, I believe in living on impulse as long as you never intentionally hurt another person, and don't judge people in your life. I think you should live completely free.

If you ask people what they've always wanted to do, most people haven't done it. That breaks my heart.

I love to put on lotion. Sometimes I'll watch TV and go into a lotion trance for an hour. I try to find brands that don't taste bad in case anyone wants to taste me.

I wish I could find people who just would fight me and break through to me and hold me down and scream their life into my face.

We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly... Only after we have lost everything, are we free to do anything... Throw things out there and not be perfect and not have answers to anything and see if people understand.

And even if we never talk again, please remember that I'm forever changed by who you are and what you meant to me.

I'm scared to move on because I'm worried that the second I'm happy with someone else, you'll pop up and ruin it. Ruin it by telling me that you want me, and that you're sorry, and that you like me "kinda a lot," and that you miss me "kinda a lot." I'm worried that I'll get so confused because I'll be so happy with him, but of course I'll still want you, and that will make me start crying all the time, end up losing the best relationship I ever had, just to have you get bored again and move onto some trashy girl. The worst part about all of this? I can see you doing it, because you want me hooked, you want me as an option, even if it is an option you'll never take.

Dear Person who caused me the most pain....

As I sit here looking at this picture of us, I wonder if there will ever
be a day when I will get over your smile. When I will let go of the hugs you gave me, a day that I continue to feel.
A day when I forget the words you said to me. Whatever happens to us, I know I could never get over, let go of, or forget about you.
I remember how tight i used to hold onto him, because i didnt know how long i was going to have him in my arms.

I'm sorry, alright? I'm sorry if I can't get over you at all, no matter how hard I've tried. (well actually i really havent tried. I've blocked you out)
I'm sorry if I just think that liking some other guy will help, when I know it won't. I'm sorry I still try. I'm sorry I'm hurt. I'm sorry I'm broken.

Something in me, just won't let me get over you. I'm so far from it too. there's that big part of my heart sectioned off for you. You have it and it feels like you always will.
I know in the back of my mind that life would be so much easier if I never talk to you again. If I shut you out of my life and moved on, I could finally get over you. But you're the only thing that makes me happy, whether it's right or wrong and I don't have the strength to give up on that.

What do i wanna say?! want do i want my words to say to you? What would my letter be like?!
I picked the person who caused me the most pain to be you. I don't hate you.. as a matter of fact, it's quite the opposite. I love you with all my heart, even though you broke it. I love how most of these letters are going to be for you, when I hope that I look back when I'm done with these and realize how pathetic I'm being.
I want to be over you. Why? Why would I want to love someone who won't give me the time of day anymore? Sure, we're we could still keep in touch as friends, but i just cant do that with you. I've put away all your pictures and deleted all your messeges from my phone. I want to say I'm done. I really do. I want to delete you off those things and when you notice I did, I want you to ask my sisters why. Just so they could say this,
"she blocked you because, if it's not obvious enough, or if your just way too fucking stupid to realize, she's not over you yet. she wants to be so that's what she's gonna have to do. because you don't care for her anymore and she's trying to accept that. she loves you and she doesn't want too."

And today is a bad day...

Is there something I do that makes you not love me?

What's worse than wanting something you can't have?
It's not knowing what you want. Wishing on all the stars
in the sky for the answers to your questions, for something
to believe in... someone to hold. Having absolutely no
control over yourself, being caught up in a place you wish
you were miles away from. Being stuck somewhere between
the past and the future, nowhere near where you should
be - in the present. Stuck in yesterdays and tomorrows,
so far from home, far from everything you know and love.
The uncertainty could just tear you to bits