Thursday, March 5, 2009

Say What You Need To Say

"Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead,
If you could only . . .say what you need to say"

It cuts both way. I should just come out and say what i want and what i need from you. I shouldn't have to spell it out to you, when its right there in your face. I shouldn't have to ask for it.
But you not a mind reader. And you can't guess what's on my mind. If i don't say it to you why should you have to guess what i need and what i want. And why is it that i have to be obligated to give it to you. Shouldn't it be that if i wanted to give it, i would do it voluntarily and spontaneously without it being imposed on me?

But then again, let me say it, say what i need to say.
I need to feel that you appreciate me and what i mean to you. I need you to look at me without judgement and without pre-concept ideas. I need you to look at me and see me from the inside out. I need you to see the beauty in me regardless of what i look like from the outside. And i know i have to take care of my body as well as my soul. I know that my body is my temple and that i should respect it.

I don't want to blame you for my unhappiness, because i might feel that i have giving too much or have given more then i have received.
I'd rather set limits and recognize the boundaries of what i can give without resenting you.

No "buts". But i have always felt that setting limits and receiving where very scary things to me. I have been afraid of needing too much and ending up being rejected or judged and abandoned.

I'm trying to figure out where this idea came from that i don't deserve to be loved and unworthy of receiving more. I guess it might have been though out my life, every time i had to suppress any feelings and needs or wishes.
And so to deal with all of that i made myself believe that in order to receive what i wanted i had to give and give and give.

But i'm tired now. I tired of giving so much all the time. I want to relax and be taken care of for a while.
I have to believe that giving like i have been and loving the way that i have, does not guarantee me anything and most of all it doens't guarantee that he will love me and that he will stay.

So i'm gonna start saying what i need to say. And i'll start by remembering my needs and making the changes that i need to make. Beginning with no longer giving too much and i'll do that because i will realize what i'm worth. And i know that when i'm ready he will come out of his cave and see me.

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