Monday, March 9, 2009

Distant Lover

"Distant lover, lover
So many miles away
How long, how i long for you
Every night, every night
And sometimes I yearn
Through the day
Distant lover
You should think about me
And say a prayer for me
Please, please
Think about me sometimes..."

If he askes me how i am, ill say i'm OK. I'll pretend everything is fine because i'm afraid that if i say i'm lonely and i hate being apart from him, he wont understand.
I'll try to be nice, but the resentment is always trying to come out. Because in my mind i'm conviced that its easier for him, and he has no problem with the fact that we are distant from each other. I know that what i want is reassurance but im so afraid of being rejected.
I try to approache the subject but my intuition always tell me that its an uncomforable situation for him. Its not something that he is at ease with. But does that make it right, to what point should i respect that in him and not talk about it. Especially when its something that affects me deeply. I don't know how to approach him with out sounding like i'm pressuring him to make a decition.
What i want for him to understand is that what i resent is the situation in it self. Not him. I don't want to be in this situation. Life is so short and we spent it apart when we should be enjoying it together. Because if its not meant to be the time apart really doesn't make any sense does it.
So yes i do need reassurance. I need to know that this is going somewhere and that there is a plan for a future together. I'm not asking for a guaranty. I'm not asking him to sigh a contract with me. But i do need to know if we are in this together or if to him this is just a long distance relationship with no plans for a future.
I have been searching myself for a long time about this long distance relationship. I've looked inside i know about the diffence between us i know about the obsticules i stand against and i know i'm ready and have been for a while to deal with this level of commitment. But there has to be a goal set for us - a specific time being it six months or a year or a little more - when the separation in going to end. There has to be an agreed upon goal to look forward to because i don't want to and i cant handle the "stringing along the status quo indefinitly " witch is very frustrating and exausting. Even if at the end of that goal set we decide that its best to call it quits. Anything is better then this feeling of being lost at sea with no perspective of hitting the sand.

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