Sunday, July 4, 2010
Love is hard to let go of, but so is hate
I did not feel any emotions, no anger or hurt.
Have you ever felt that perfect feeling when you realize that you hold no ties to a certain person anymore? That is what i want to feel. Because i've been there and i know the sweet release it gives you. An unexpected form of closure and a symbol of how far you have come.
There was this person once, that i thought i have really loved. And worse, thought i'd never foget or live without. But one day opportunity came and we were at the same social gattering.
Sitting there, playing cards and video games, I realized I felt nothing towards him- at all. A long time ago, I felt strong passion and affection. That eventually turned to longing and hurt and then anger. The loving feelings were long gone, but the thing I was most acutely aware of was the void of resentment and negative emotions. I have no idea how long it took me to finally get over them, but in civil conversation, I realized that things had come full circle. I finally had my closure.
Perhaps you understand this, but maybe you do not. Last night, after I got home, I reflected on this. Everything seemed to fit into place, all my hate at the time had dissipated. In fact, I almost forgot that I had every really known him well at all. For the longest time, I held onto him in a way that was not for love, but instead for unfinished business. So abruptly, things ended, I never felt settled about that.
It was as though I had been working on a huge puzzle of my life, no matter how far I got in it, something was missing. He held onto the last piece and left this hole that I could not understand. I thought simply being over him would be enough, but it was not. I needed to confront and let go of my hate, I needed to grow up. Last night, exchanging normal conversation like I would with someone I just met- things fell into place.
We no longer know each other, I am neutral towards him and I feel great. Maybe I will never speak to him again, but now I am content with the way things ended up.
Have you ever experienced closure in any form?
Would you be sad or happy to feel no emotions towards someone you once loved?
I feel this way today, but it might be the same tomorrow...