I have the date carved on my brain. May 21th...
It feels like its been ages, but i know its pretty recent because i still have the bikini marks from all the sun blessing on those white Siesta Keys beach...To think i will never step foot in them again.
And a key chain that is hard to look at because it has some keys that only i know how important they are. The house keys, the YMCA card and my bikes keys...All of that what my life and i dont have it anymore and i've tried to avoid thinking about it because i dont want to feel the pain that i know i have hidden inside of me.
I've disciplined my conscious to avoid thinking abou him. But my subconcious just wont obey. It keeps playing tricks on me and it hurts.
I cant believe he let me go. I cant believe he gave up on me. I know on what bases our relationship was and i also know that me and him were in different places in the relationship. I know i was ready and i wanted something else, and i know that were he was at was were he wanted to be.
But what about everything else that we had that was good in our relationship? Were did it all go?
The early morning conversations, the bonding times the crawfish, the beautiful moments the are carved also in my memories. Doest that amount to anythinng?
I keep wondering if i cross his mind. I know its childish, but i do. I keep waiting for a messege or a phone call, a sigh that he is still present in my life.
And i dont want to talk to anyone about it. I know what they're gonna say and i dont wanna hear it!
I miss him. He is the one love. My love. My one person to go to.
And sometimes i hate him for giving up on me and other times i miss him so much that the pain makes it hard to breath. And the thought of not seing him ever is just to hard to accept.
He was my everything and that eveything im not gonna find in anyone. And i just want to pick the phone up and call him. But i know i cant.
I feel miserable and i feel lost.