Growing pains

, make it as if this is my one time to be honest and pour everything out - like a cleanse. I think that i am finally making that leap from childhood into adulthood. And what im going through is the process that it takes from leaving your childhood behind and accepting the responsibilities that come with growing up, like facing your fears, dealing with the truth, acknowledgement of reality and all of those things that you felt you never had to deal with because you thought that they wouldnt apply to you. What i feel is, how your foundation is built is the manner in witch you deal with your issues. And even though i grew up with the assumption that my mother didnt love me, or didnt understand me, somewhere in the back of my mind i must have felt that it wasnt the case. Because, if i truly believed that was the case, my reaction to the transformation that i am going through would be the very definition of pain. And im not in pain, im just sad. There's a sadness inside of me that i can only understand as being the sadness that comes with the longing and nostalgic memories. And i think that what triggered all of this was finding out that my mother was sick. The kind of sickness that would keep her body with me, but her mind gone. She spent three months with me here in London. And i had to learn to deal with with her and all her transformations. And Nate, there isnt a sadder thing in life then to see someone you love disappear in front of your eyes. And you learn to let go of the things that hold you back, the conceptions that you built in your mind for so long and the same ones that held you back and kept you from opening your eyes and see. I finally see her, i finally see the woman in from of me for all the she is and all that is has ever been to us. She is the very platform, the foundation from witch we all set ourselves to be. I decided to write letters to her. I had to find a way to heal me and purge my pain and sorrow. I explain to her my discoveries, i write about my memories and the things that sometimes are just too painful to say, but when written are easier to come. So this is me, learning to let go and learning to deal with the things that bring pain and sorrow.

If you're gone

Ever looked at someone and see that they are slowly fading away? When you suddenly realize that this person is leaving, that she's already gone? I dont think that there is a sadder thing in life then to see someone you love disappear into nothingness. Look at you and see nothing. I mean sometimes she does give away sighs that remind me of what she is, of what she once was. And for moments i forget. I forget that she's leaving and i just pretend that nothing has changed and that she's there. And i look and i see her. Its funny how you're eyes see only what they want to see, or only see when they are ready to see. And i see her history and her story. I see her joy and her pain, her sorrow and her loss. I can finally see her spirit and understand her and what comes within her. And i try to understand why is that that all this time never i once take the time out of my selfishness to even look at her. I guess my eyes weren't ready to see. I came across some letters and pictures and documents she carries with her. I know that soon all these reminders of life wont mean a thing to her. But as i started going through them i was realized that i was stumbling through her life and discovering her world. Entering her private thoughts, her intimacy. I suddenly understood where i came from. This was me and it was my sisters and my brother. All this time and i never was able to see past the carer, the disciplinary, the provider, the guiding force, the platform from which to jump from. Not once did it occur to me that this person that has been all these things to us could carry inside of her so many feelings, such vulnerability and this tremendous amount of sensitivity. Gee if i could only get past me and my ways and tell her about my findings. Inadequacy holds me back. I mean this discovery of mine makes me look at this person in a totally different light. This is a new person to me. How am i going to approach her as such? And if i did, would it have on her the impact that i want it to have? Would she understand me and would she finally put to rest all the misconceptions she has of me ?! Or am i again drawing conclusions still based on what i have defined her to me?! I Think that all this time she has known it. She knows me so well she can anticipate my every move, my thoughts, my behaviour...She knows why it took me so long to see her. But still, even though her hand is on the door and she's about to leave i wanted her to know that there is a little bit of her in everything i do.

What goes around comes around. That's what people say. So all the pain you caused me will come back to you someday.

There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try. I wouldn't expect you to understand that, or even believe it, but trust me, there are some loves that don't go away. And maybe that makes them crazy, but we should all be lucky enough to end up with somebody who has a little of that insanity. Someone who never lets go. Someone who cherishes you forever.
There is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these lovable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.

Ex-Factor

He was- He took something from me. He took little pieces of me, little pieces over time, so small I didn't even notice, you know? He wanted me to be something I wasn't, and I made myself into what he wanted. One day I was me Ana, and then suddenly I was lying for him, lying about me, making him out to be something he wasn't. And i was jeopardizing my life, and making a deal with myself to endure this at all cost. Give up what i had to, to became something that he could love. Started to believe that i was everything that he said i was. A basket full of flaws and inperfections.
Until I was standing in front of him, slim and trim and almost a re-programmed me. There in front of him with all those appealing atribuites,but i wasnt Ana anymore. And even then, I would've stayed . I would have. I lost myself for a long time. And now that I'm finally me again, I can't. I love you. I love you more than I loved him. I love you different, i love you healthy.
But you have to understand that i still bear scares from that time. They are ingrained in me, the pop up with every obsticule that i encounter. They ride me everytime that i try to clear my mind and see what is in front of me.
I still have bad habits and condition my thoughts accordingly.

Out of Balance

Success don't mean anything if you can't control your own being. "It doesn't mean anything if you can't fit into your clothes,It means the fat won. It means you didn't win. ... I am mad at myself. I am embarrassed.

Wow, I’ve been putting off writing this letter for years. Actually, I think I did write a letter several years ago but eventually tossed it, feeling it would do no good.

I think I waited so long because.... I had so much to say; for so long. Today, I am off from work for spring break and saw a look on Oprah’s face that spoke many volumes to me. (Maybe, once I get started this will turn into a book, Oprah can promote it and I can quit worrying about my mortgage and retirement!)

Today’s was yet another Oprah Show about fat. Katherine was fat, she got thin, she came on the show, they applauded, she gained it back, she lost some, she returned to the show and Oprah entertained her ideas about how to live with or without fat.

You know, I’ve stopped watching these shows generally. As a matter of fact I’ve stopped watching Oprah, generally. She got that God complex thing going there for awhile and I thought, “I can’t continue watching.” But actually, maybe a big part of the real reason I stopped, was that her pain and denial about food and fat, and her very influential ideas on the subjects, really ticked me off.

There it was again today. The denial of her pain etched into her oh-so-familiar face. I waited as she questioned, I waited as she hocked another book with “the answers” and finally, I got it, the pay off. “... and you loved yourself even at 300 lbs?” “Yes.”

“Yes, that’s the key... that’s the key.” Yes, here was Oprah wondering again if it could really be true. “Can people really love themselves at 300 lbs.? And if they do, THEN does the weight magically fall off? That must be the answer because that’s the only thing that I’ve not been able to do.”

I don’t know if people can really love themselves at 300 lbs. I suspect that they can love parts of themselves at any weight but that they will always feel “less than” if they are fat. And really, isn’t this what your internationally famous show should be discussing? Isn’t this the real issue? Why DO people feel “less than” if they are fat? Oprah has an obscene amount of success, money, power, admiration, influence..... yet, she still feels “less than”. Why is that? Does this feeling come from societal expectations, internal expectations, historical expectations? Or is it individual, dealing with internal demons, finding refuge in food, character flaws, habit, compulsion, or addiction?

I don’t want to get into the fat vs. thin debate just yet, but I can tell you I have yet to meet a thin person without all or some of these expectations, influences and tendencies.

The real crime here, and I suspect it is the demon that Oprah continues to try to escape, is, as she said today, the amount of time, or as I like to say, “life” wasted (waisted?) on this obsession. EVERY woman knows this demon... whether she is fat, thin, or “perfect”. Maybe if we could measure how much time we, particularly women, spend thinking about, talking about, wishing about, eating about, spending on, fretting over, watching, disguising, avoiding, working against, and sabotaging ourselves over, we might be so stunned by the amount of life wasted that we could begin to think differently. I say “begin” because for most of us, this way of thinking is ingrained. It is part of our souls. We are not able to remember a time when this preoccupation was not a part of every aspect of our lives.

We hate like hell to think about our daughters having to also lose so much of their lives, but we are powerless to teach them any differently. And so, the problem seems to get worse with each generation.

How do we begin to deal with this loss of “life”? To start, we examine the question of why we feel less-than. We identify and target the causes and present fair and contrary measures to change perceptions. The process would probably look something like moving a hill of sand one grain at a time, but we have to start somewhere and progress will be measured in life restored – what better cause is there?

To me, and here’s the ticked off part, the best place to start would be to have an internationally recognized figure to promote these fair and contrary measures. Someone, who might, for instance, encourage and support the use of larger people in places of respect, responsibility, and yes, beauty. This someone could buy commercial time featuring larger people as actors and promote ideas about love of self and respect for others. It would be wonderful if this someone lived a life that exemplified these ideas and accepted herself as she encouraged others to do the same.

I know why Oprah has chosen not to be this person. I know how difficult it is to accept one’s self, as a fat woman. It takes strength, love.... and courage. How can we be expected to accept something about ourselves when people tell us our whole life that it is our “fault” that we are fat. That there is blame there, and that we are responsible and accountable?

I do understand this failure to embrace one’s own fat body. But what I don’t understand is the irresponsibility of using an extremely popular and influential media to continue to promote the viability of a “cure”. How many times have we heard and seen Oprah flaunting someone’s weight loss or endorsing some diet or life-style change? Her yo-yo appearance should convince us that she does not have the answers. Today I saw her doubt.

Imagine for a moment that Oprah had endorsed self acceptance and respect. How would the world be different? Imagine seeing all types of people in all types of places doing all types of things. Imagine how much “life” could have been saved.

FAIR

“Fair and contrary measures...” Aye, there lies the rub. “Fair: just, unbiased, in accordance with the rules.” Sorry, they weren’t kidding when they said, “ Life isn’t fair”. We are not born the same. Some of us will have long healthy lives and live past 100. Some of us will develop diseases. Some of us will have brilliant minds. Some of us will be blind or live in a wheel chair. Some of us have long legs and athletic physiques. Some of us will be voluptuous. Some of us will be thin and some of us will be fat.

That last sentence alone will stir debate for decades. But like it or not, some of us will be fat. That alone does not make us less-than.

So what does it mean to be fat? I have no desire to go into all the horror stories of prejudice and persecution that come from inhabiting a fat body. Fat has come to mean so much more that what it is, a fact of life and genetics. Are there some people who are fat because of life-style changes and choices?

Are there people who are fat as a consequence of mass food production? Are there people who seek solace in food and become obese? Yes. Are there thin people who are subjected to these same circumstances and choices? Yes. The why, what ifs, and wherefores debate can rage as long as there is desire, but in the end, there will still be fat humans.

I’m being fair now. So, as soon as we read those words, especially if we are fat, we say, “Yeah, but that’s not me! All I have to do is _____________ (fill in the blank- diet, exercise, cut out this food and that, etc. etc.)”. It’s hard, I know. Denial is sooo much easier to deal with than acceptance. When I say easier, I mean, less painful.

Fat people are so targeted and made to feel less-than. Who wants to admit that they are actually fat? Especially when there are so many people telling you, you can solve your problem if you just ____________ (There’s that blank again.).

I’m being fair again. I know that some will have stopped reading or absorbing any more information because of pain and denial. The fact is, if you are fat or have ever been fat, as an adult, you will not be able to be thin or permanently control your weight without extraordinary measures. And many people have chosen these extraordinary measures as an alternative to living life as a fat person. Extraordinary measures include everything from dieting, to stomach and intestinal surgery, to excessive exercise. I also include taking mental measure of everything you eat.... anything that obsessively takes your “life” time.

Remember, this section is called “fair”. Life is not fair. Being born a fat person is not fair. Fat people lead shorter lives. It’s true. If you are fat, you will most likely not lead as long a life as a thin person. It’s a hard fact, but true. Not fair. Even if you are super rich, powerful and influential; if you are born a fat person, or become a fat person, you will most likely lead a shorter life.

So, what are your choices? Well, you can choose to take extraordinary measures in the hopes of gaining a longer life. These days, doctors are likely to recommend bypass surgery for their obese patients. Even they, who purported to have the answers all those years, have come to understand that there is no “cure”. This extraordinary measure is risky, some die, some have complications, some go on to lead thin lives, some gain it all back.

You could try various forms of dieting and exercise. The statistics show an incredibly low rate of long term success and I would suspect that those who do succeed are using extraordinary measures. Once an adult puts on weight, the body will always strive to be that weight. As hard as you might try, and perhaps succeed, in emptying those fat cells, they will always want to be refilled.

What about the kids? It’s no secret that there is an alarming rate of obesity among children. Do I think this is because of life style? Yes, mostly. But I believe that the problem here is just as complicated, if not more so, than with adults. I believe that many children are dealing with a lack of parental contact, neglect and very little physical activity. I also think the issue is compounded by low self-esteem. In any case, this means that we will have even more obese adults. Will we be treating these people as we have treated other fat people? Will our attitudes toward fat people help the child obesity problem or hurt it?

The question should really be, “How much of the life you have are you willing to give up?” If you become obsessive about food intake, or exercise, and you are thinking about food, fat, and dieting all the time, you are giving up your life.

I always think about men. I know more and more men are developing these life-sucking thinking patterns, but in general they don’t waste their lives on them. (I really don’t want to get into what they do waste their lives on.)

But what if we had all that time back? Don’t we want to spend the time we have in a world where we are accepted for who we are? How can we help each other create a world where all are accepted? What happens to us, physically, if we know we are accepted? Is it possible for humans, who naturally seek someone to be better than (another story), to ever see fat people as equal or even worthwhile? I don’t see it happening in my lifetime (short as it is!). But I am optimistic (back to that pile of sand). It would be really wonderful to have someone of size, who is influential, to help us all be more accepting.

After a certain point, a heart with so many stress fractures would never be anything but broken.

It's like he is driving a car, okay and I just wanna be in the passenger seat, but he's locked the door and I have to hold onto the bumper.You know, I'm not even asking for him to open the door for me, just leave it unlocked and say come in, but no he didn't do that, so I'm hanging on to the bumper and life goes on and the car goes on and I get really badly bruised and am hitting potholes and it hurts, I mean it hurts and yesterday I had to let go of the bumper because it hurts too much.... it hurts too much.

Remember when you use to think that this love was as good as it could get, and how even though it was painful it felt right. And there was always an explanation for the pain felt?!
I remember. Fear took a hold, fear made it home. Made it feel so comfortable that you would really convince yourself that in fact this was as good as it could get.
Its funny how conveniently you allow yourself to digest lies when you just don't want to feast up on the truth.
I need five minutes, i need a break. I need alone time.

Alone time is when I distance myself from the voices of the world so I can hear my own. And everyone is just gonna have to respect that. Im sorry if i heart your feelings and im sorry if im not emotionally available right now. Sorry...

Be yourself they say. What a cliché, we hear it over and over in literature, fairy tales, songs, but we still don't get it. It might be because we dream, we don't worry whether the dream is worthy of us, but if we're worthy of the dream. So we lose our identities in order to chase what we want, but if we can stay proud of who we are and not run from ourselves, then maybe your dreams, like a prince with a glass slipper, will come find us.
I dream a lot. All kinds of dreams. About water, about air, about a flat tire about so many things. And i know that all of these little messages are trying to bust out - If i only knew what the meant (Or do i??)
Things change, life happens.

And there is nothing like that first person you were so afraid to lose, the one person that changed your expectations and the one that you compare all the future people in your life to, because deep down inside you know that he was the one that set the standard for love. I say this because i believe that It’s not about who you’ve been with, it’s about who you end up with. Sometimes, the heart doesn’t know what it wants until it finds what it wants.
I found out what i want, and i found out what i need...i found love.

I was born with an enormous need for affection,

There's no hard feelings there is no one to blame. Just two people who don't feel the same.
I didnt fight to stay because all you wanted for me to do was leave. I'm not going to miss s you when you don't miss me. I'm not gonna care when you don't care at all, I'm just not going to try at all. You kept my hopes up for much too long. It's about time they come crashing back down to earth.

Why did I do it? I guess because I was sick of you running in and out of my life without some kind of consequence. So here is your close line baby, I hope the fall hurts like hell.
I hated being put in that position. Of forcing myself to let go of the one person I needed in my life. You were the only thing that made sense, but at the same time, the one thing that complicated me. I know that I'm better off without you, but I feel empty when I tried to let go.
Want to know what it was like being in love with you? It was like taking me to the top of the highest mountain, showing me the entire world and telling me "This is everything you can't have".
Sometimes, no matter how long or hard you've loved someone, they'll never love you back. And sometimes, you have to be okay with that.
I hope you know that you were once the most important person in my life for a very long time. You were the guy I thought about while listening to all those songs, the one guy who made me actually look forward to waking up in the morning. You were the guy who could make or break me, who had my heart, but never bothered to do anything about it.
It's funny how we set qualifications for the right person to love when deep in your hearts we know that the person we truly love will always be an exception
I can't pretend anymore.
You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine.
Lightening doesn't often strike twice, it's a once in a lifetime thing. Even if it feels like the shock is coming over and over again. Eventually the pain will go away, the shock will wear off. And you start to heal yourself, to recover from something you never saw coming. But, sometimes the odds are in your favor. And you're just in the right place at just the right time and you can take a hell of a hit and still have a shot at surviving
You used to shine so bright, but I watched all of it fade.
It’s funny how you think you actually mean something to someone, and they just turn around and prove you wrong
When You grow to love someone letting them go is like losing a part of you. Whenver you must let go because it's what is best for you, you keep thinking of reasons to stick around.
If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello.
And it has, and i feel lucky because i was so afraid that i would never be able to feel what it was like to love again, but i have and it feel like sunshine in caressing my skin again.
You will always be a part of my life because i grew up with you (though sometimes it was hard) but now its time to say goodbye to you.

Ten things i need to say...

10 things i really need to say..


1. fuck you all for leaving me.

2. fuck you for leading me on, because i care about you more than i've ever fucking cared about another person in my life. tell me what the fuck it is you want from me because i'd give you everything.

3. fuck you for pretending like you actually ever gave a shit about me. once i stopped making an effort, you all fucking disappeared. you never cared, so you can ease up on the fake bullshit now. i don't need any of you.

4. fuck you for being nothing but a complete hypocrite. you hate being left out the one time a month that actually happens? i don't recall the last fucking time you or anyone else invited me to go anywhere when you're all together. bitches. wanna know what i do every day? work. then i come home and sit by my fucking self all night. if that ever actually happens to you, then we can talk about what lonely feels like. until then, stfu.

5. fuck you for your judgmental, ignorant attitude. i will live my life the way i choose, thanks. your opinion is not needed and sure is hell, isn't wanted.

6. fuck you for watching me slowly wither away in pain and not doing a damn thing about it.

7. fuck you for making me unable to trust anymore.

8. fuck you for never noticing me. someday i'm going to show you what you missed.

9. fuck you for making me believe that i had finally found a best friend that wasn't going to walk away when i fucking needed you the most. i'm done with this guessing game bullshit. you want me in your life, you'll put me there. if not, then i'm done. but i will always fucking love you more than life itself, and i will always be here.

10. fuck you for turning me into this self conscious mess. you treated me like shit. you verbally abused me until i was at your feet begging for mercy. fuck you for turning me into someone i never wanted to be. i don't know how to undo the damage you've done to me.



i'm really sorry this is such an angry post. but i'm breaking down, and i don't know how to fix it. i don't want to hurt anymore. i've lost everything that meant anything to me

For Morpheus

"I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest woman on earth. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and how you are with Spencer, "Spence," and in every single thought that you have, and how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food, and clear their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me"
* As good as it gets
Thats how Morpheus sees me and thats what he sees. He sees the beauty in me that i find hard to put a finger on. He spellbounds me with his words and his voice and his everything. I think im i love...
I dont know when he started shifting my thoughts towards him, i really dont. All i know is one day out of the blue, i woke up and for the first time HE was the one i was thinking about. And it started then and it hasnt stopped till this day.
Oh this state of ecstasy
Nothing but he could ever give to me this liberty, this feeling of the wind in my face.
And I’m giggling again for no reason
I am dancing with my friends in elation. I've taken adventures to new levels of fun
I can feel the bones are smiling in my body I can see the meltings of inhibition
This state of ecstasy I’m reeling jubilation Triumphant in delight
I am at home in this high five And I’m smiling for no reason
I could kiss a million guys and it still wouldn't mean as much as holding your hand.
So Morpheus, i dont think im in love...I KNOW IM IN LOVE AND ITS YOU!

I forgot about you!

My feelings just changed. I had been waiting for you to realize you couldn't go another day without me. I had played out every excuse you could of had for putting all that time between us. Missing you had become second nature to me. And somewhere between the pain you caused and your need to approach me again. When I never expected to hear from you I just stopped feeling like I needed you so much.
i let you go and i forgot. i forgot those late night conversations. i forgot how much i trusted you, how much i told you. i forgot how it felt to hug you. i forgot how much i talked to you, how much i talked about you. i forgot how much my writing was about you. i forgot all the songs i ended up relating to you. i forgot how, for some ridiculous reason, everything you said made me laugh. i forgot how good i felt when you were just in the room. i forgot how the chance of seeing you got me through the day. i forgot the stomach dropping feeling i got when my phone buzzed. i forgot how good i felt because of you. i forgot how i could be myself around you. i forgot being woken up early every morning by text messages. i forgot what it felt like to actually have the idea that i was good enough. i forgot how i imagined all kinds of awesome scenarios. i forgot how it felt to, maybe just maybe, want the one who wanted me back. i forgot all of your rants about your interests. i forgot all of your tastes in music. i forgot all the shows you watched. i forgot what time you'd usually text me. i forgot everything you told me that hurt me or made me happy. i forgot everything about you and you know what i came back to my memory ?! ME!

Collide

1- i may not have ended up where i intended to go, but i think i ended up where i needed to be.

2- it's strange how memory gets twisted and pulled like taffy in its retelling, how a single event can mean something to everyone present.

3- just because people treat you like shit, just because you may feel like shit sometimes, doesn’t mean you are shit. you can make something out of your life. you can give of yourself in this world to make it a better place.

4- so today i read something psychologist said. He said that the majority of people live within a box, and that’s their entire reality. all they see is the inside of the box, and they’re ‘asleep’ to anything else. people that have suffered from some form of mental illness are ‘awake’, because they've seen reality outside the box. he said no matter how hard people try to put that person back into the box, they will never fit, because they’ve seen something beyond it all.

5- she’s the girl that believes that what comes around goes around. the one that hopes for a better day. the one that won’t give up on you. she’s the girl that’s unlike the rest. the one that spent her days smiling, and her nights crying. she’s the girl that would love to be loved. the one that looks so damn strong, but feels so weak. she’s the girl that picks herself up every time she falls.

6- even though i'm moving on, i will never forget you. all because you were my first true love. and there will come a time in my life when i will thank you for that because by you breaking my heart, it made me a little bit stronger and you made me a little bit closer to finding the one that i'm meant to spend the rest of my life with. the scary thing is; all the pain you put me through, with a snap of your fingers i'd run back so fast. so i bet you love to know you can have me at any moment if you want.

7- don't come back to me, asking for a chance.I wont, i gave you far too many, you were just too blinded by your deamons to see it. so when i finally find someone who i could possibly fall in love with, don't come by saying i never gave you a chance. i gave you one, a big one. i was in love with you for so long. i waited, but i'm done waiting.

8- you don't like me? i don't care. you think i'm stubrn & stuck up? well, that's your opinion. you think I could lose some pounds? well, i will tell you right now that you are nothing close to perfect. the point is, what people think does not matter one single bit. just love yourself because in reality you can't love anyone else if you don't love yourself.

9- reach for the stars, stand on your tiptoes, and never tell yourself no. you, yes you, can achieve anything. it may take months, it may take years, but when you finally have a firm grasp on a star, the reward is breathtaking.

10- before you can grow up, you must fall in love three times. once, you must fall in love with your best friend, ruining your friendship forever. this will teach you who your true friends are, and the fine line between friendship and more. once you must fall in love with someone you believe is perfect. you will learn that no one is perfect, and that you should never be treated as anything less than you deserve. and once, you must fall in love with someone that is exactly like you. this will teach you about who you are, and who you want to be. and when you're through with all that, you learn that the people who care about you the most are the ones that you hurt, and the ones that hurt you are the ones that needed you the most. but most of all, you learn that love is only a concept and is not something that can be defined, it is different to each and every person on this earth, knowing that everyone only wants to be loved.

11- i don't need a rose, i want a daisy you'll picked for my hair. i don't want a box of fancy chocolates, i want a burnt cookie you'll made just for me. i don't want to go to some upscale restaurant, let's just have a picnic in the park. we don't have to go to a club, we can just dance on my front porch until we're tired.

12- when i like a person, i actually like them. it's not one of those three day crush type things. it's a hardcore, can't get them off my mind thing. and that's why i haven't liked all that many people. but eventually i get over them when i find someone new. but with him, no matter who i find, i can't erase him. he's going to be the one i'll always like.

13- i hope you know that you were once the most important person in my life, for a very long time. you were the guy i thought about while listening to all those songs, the one guy who made me actually look forward to waking up in the morning. you were the guy who could make or break me. who had my heart, but never bothered to do anything about it.

14- it's funny how you can be face to face with someone and yet it feels as though you're on the other side of the world from them. they haven't actually gone anywhere, but they might as well have. it's one of the worst feelings to become acquainted with: to miss someone who's literally right there.

15- too often we're scared. scared of what we might not be able to do. scared of what people might think if we tried. we let our fears stand in the way of our hopes. we say no when we want to say yes. we sit quietly when we want to scream and we shout when we should keep our mouths shut. why? after all, we do only go around once, there's really no time to be afraid. Just do it.

16- he didnt really do anything wrong to me. i mean yes i liked him more than he obviously liked me, but the only thing he is truly guilty of is teasing me. it's the cute texts, the long hugs, the way he makes me feel. all he's guilty of is making me insanely happy and then taking that away by dating other girls and never wanting to truly be with me. i can't even blame him for it. it's my fault for falling so damn easily.

17- she's deeper than you think she is. she has secrets of her own, little secrets no one must know, but all you see is the outer image, the genuine smile and funky flip flops. she smiles because that's who she is, but there is pain, and hurt, you just can't see it. you see what she wants you to see, you'll never know the truth. she's scared that you will judge her, but even if you don't make a sound, you won't ever see the things that bring her down.

18- i don't think you're leaving. i think you're running. and what i can't figure out is, are you running towards something you want? or are you running away from something you're afraid to want?

19- you only find a few people in this world, a few people who will tell you they love you and actually mean it with all their heart. don't forget those people who stood by you through it all, the special few that were there for you until the very end.

20- strength is nothing more than how well you hide the pain.

Spacebound

1- people too weak to follow their own dreams will always find a way to discourage yours.

2- i know that there are days when you feel that your heart is broken again. do you know why? because instead of walking forward, you hurt yourself by looking back.

3- this year, do what makes your happy and forget about the things that may stand in the way of that feeling. let go of the pain that was caused by trying to find love and this year, let love find you. you have 365 days to make it wonderful.

4- missing someone gets easier everyday because even though you are one day further from the last time you saw them, you are one day closer to the next time you will.

5- distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. it's for the ones that are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. it's for those knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough.

6- someday, everything will come together. but until then, live it up; do what makes you happy. if someone doesn't agree, then screw them. pick yourself up and deal when shit happens. remember that mistakes only make us stronger, everything happens for a reason, the only regrets you will have in life are the risks that you didn't take, and well-behaved women rarely make history. above all else, go with your gut and guard your heart.

7- imagine a world with endless dreams, dreamt with all eyes open. a world filled with sunshine beams and words for the deaf spoken. imagine a world in color and the black and white will soon go. a world where we can love each other and where every star can glow.

8- buy a blank notebook. draw a huge heart on the cover. don't write anything negative in here. if you need another outlet, make a separate notebook. this one is all about love, personal growth and getting back up. fill it with beautiful images, reaffirming thoughts and quotes. write in it every day and each day write one thing you are grateful for in your life.

9- here's to the nights when the grass is your seat, the heat from the fire kisses your feet, your friends out-number the stars, and even the chilliest of nights, are still warmer than the cold one in your hand.

10- you're a book written in ten different languages. all of them beautiful. none of them i understand.

11- so, please, just be patient. i'm so afraid to care about someone. i know it seems like i'm this strong girl who can get through anything, but inside i'm very fragile. i've had so many things thrown at me, and each one has only made a crack. what i'm afraid of is shattering.

12- the best moments in reading are when you come across something, a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things that you'd thought special, particular to you. and here it is, set down by someone else, a person you've never met, maybe even someone long dead. and it's as if a hand has come out and taken yours.

13- i want to draw something that means something to someone. you know, i want to draw blind faith or a fading summer or just a moment of clarity. it's like when you go and see a really great band live for the first time, and nobody's saying it but everyone's thinking it: we have something to believe in again. i want to draw that feeling but i can't. and if i can't be great at it then i don't want to ruin it. it's too important to me.

13- in life, we do things. some, we wish we had never done, and some we wish we could replay a million times, but they made us who we are, and in the end they shape and detail us. if we were to reserve them, we wouldn't be the person we are today so just live. make mistakes and have wonderful memories. but never for a second forget who you are, where you've been, and most importantly, where you're going.

14- sometimes when things are out of wack, it freaks us out a little and makes us feel like we're losing something thats really important, and that scares us even more, so we try really hard to hold on to whatever it is we think we're losing and sometimes, we hold on a little too hard.

15- sometimes you think you've gotten over a person, but when you see him smile you suddenly realize, you're just pretending you're over him to ease the pain of knowing that he will never be yours.

16- it's a traffic jam when you're already late. it's a no smoking sign on your cigarette break. it's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife. it's meeting the man of my dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife. and isn't it ironic? don't you think it's a little too ironic?

17- an apology doesn't make things right. if anything, it just helps you sleep better at night. i know you meant well, but words will never change a thing. you're so selfish, you wouldn't even let me in on the coldest of nights.

18- i wish my mom told me the same thing about boys as she did scary movies, "don't worry honey, they're all fake." i wanted a perfect ending. now i've learned the hard way that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, or end. life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's to happen next. life flies by so you have to embrace it, forget the past cause you can't erase it.

19- you're not special to me anymore. i'm used to this now. i've been hurt before. so leave me alone like you've always done, because you've hurt me too much to be the right one.

20- the worst way to miss somebody is to be sitting right next to them knowing you can't have them.

Follow your heart but take your brain with you.

The tough thing about following your heart is what people forget to mention, that sometimes your heart takes you places you shouldn't be, places that are as scary as they are exciting and as dangerous as they are alluring and sometimes your heart takes you to places that can never lead to a happy ending. and that's not even the difficult part. the difficult part is when you follow your heart, you leave normal, and you go into the unknown. and once you do, you can never go back.
When I woke up this morning, I couldn’t get out of bed.I was laying there, and I thought to myself how comfortable it was. It was silent, no one was around, and I felt so good laying under the blankets that were wrapped around me. At that moment, I realized I could lay in bed for all hours of the day, not talking to one person, living in my thoughts, and not doing anything with myself, and it wouldn’t bother me. All I would need is a paper and a pen. I wouldn’t go insane like most people would. I wouldn’t feel content, but I wouldn’t feel sad either, I would feel comfort and calm. I find that to be absolutely saddening.

They say that when people first lose a limb, they can still feel it. It still hurts, they still try to use it. They call it having a "Phantom Limb" I think that this is what losing a person is like. You beckon them over to "come see this!", you come home at the end of the day to tell them about how much you hate going to work, you pick up the phone to call them when you're happy, sad, mad, or somewhere in between. Until you realize that they're not there. And each time you realize it, it hurts just as bad as it did the first time, all over again. Only an arm, I could lose. It's the people I care about the most that I can't live without
Letting go is hard, but it's better to let go than to hold on to something that was never meant to be. so hold your head high, gorgeous, and stay strong because once you let go, better things are going to come along.

If you're happy now, stop worrying

1. The truth of the matter is that what's done is done, no excuses are necessary. You can't go back and change anything, so there's no point in being stuck in the past. Excuses never work; you're only lying to yourself and lying to yourself never helps anything. Eventually all the lies and the excuses and the alibis fall away, and you're left here, stripped, with the truth before your very eyes, whether you're ready to accept it or not.

2.If you really knew me... you would know that I don't usually cry because things are sad.I dont usually cry period.
I could cry because things are beautiful. I could cry because such beauty is
possible and it's overwhelming. I could even cry because I don't see it every
day, and I should. I want to be a part of that beauty; I want to
inspire someone to tears with my own brand of beauty. With other
people, I think this is possible. If we all contributed, if we all add
a little hope and faith and love into the world with our acts, maybe
we can help someone else see the beauty in life, too. Because our
actions are powerful and positive actions are power at it's purest point.

3. life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
4. truth only means something when it's hard to admit! don't you get that?

5. When people can walk away from you, let them walk. Don't try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, caring for you, or staying attached to you. When people can walk away, let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

6. You don’t let people in. It’s hard for you and once you do you don’t want to let them go and when they fuck up you’re like “Why did you do that to me? I gave you my feelings. I did everything for you, and you screwed me over.”

7. So quit your crying and wipe the tears from your eyes, cause this is see you later, I'm not into goodbyes.

8.i remember you looking at me, wondering why i wanted you unhappy.
and it wasn't even that, i just didn't want you happy without me. But that doesnt matter now.

9. I looked back on us today, and I honestly don’t know why I missed you, and why I wanted you back. Sure, at the beginning we had all these dreams rushing into things we had no idea what about, but slowly, instead of trusting you more, I trusted you less, and the more I loved you, the less I loved myself. But now I’m free, and I’m not sorry. I had to get out. I knew it was over long before you said it. And I thought you broke my heart, but you merely made it stronger, made it resilient. Of course I’ll never forget you, but there’s no way I’m ever going back. So goodbye, my first love. Thank you for being such a fabulous waste of time.

10. So, he told you he would never leave you right? He also told you how you were the best thing in his life. Then what happened? one day he got up and walked away.

11. The problem with time, I've learned, whether it's those first two weeks I got to spend with you, or the final two months I got to spend with him, eventually time always runs out. I have no idea where you are out there in the world. But I understand that I lost the right to know these things long ago. No matter how many years go by, I know one thing to be as true as ever was - You and i weren't meant to be. I was in love with the idea of you and you loved the comfort i brought to your life.

12. Right now, at this very moment, all I want to do is sit across from from someone and talk about life. And when we run out of topics, we could just hold hands because that would be enough. Not someone who is not here so i cant can't talk face to face because miles separate us. Well, I can smell the flowers you send, or look at pictures from before, but I can't wrap my arms around a moment in time. So, I sit and think of what will happen to me and what will i do when I finally see you him. All I really want to do is enjoy each other's company and maybe watch a movie or two about falling in love and growing old together. And maybe you and I could fall in love and grow old together, too.
13.It's possible to go on, no matter how impossible it seems, and that in time, the grief... lessens. It may not go away completely, but after a while it's not so overwhelming

14.Here's to the shit we talk, the boys we stalk, the laughs we can't stop. The gossip we spill and the looks that could kill. We'll stay together, all through the years… best friends forever

15.sometimes you have to be apart from the people you love, but that doesn't make you love them any less. sometimes it makes you love them more.

Turtles Shells and fuzzy beards

i'm always completely enraptured/enamoured/enthralled/entranced (pick whichever you'd like) by the self-absorbed ones. i'm not entirely sure if that is due to the fact that i enjoy the uncertainty of it all--what is he thinking? is he that into me?-- or if it has something to do with me being a masochist. or some combination of the two.

do you follow?

don't get me wrong, when i say "self-absorbed", i don't necessarily mean it in the narcissistic, superficial way. i mean it in the "my career is my life and i love that, so i am not and will not always be available to you... actually, i will rarely be available to you, so gear yourself up for certain disappointment and for operation on my terms" kind of way.

so why bother, right?

well... why not?

if you've been reading me for at least 10 seconds, then you must know that i'm a girl who loves every moment of my freedom. limitations, guidelines, and deadlines aren't exactly my thing. so i guess that as much as it tortures me to not know where i stand in the blue planet, or to stare at my phone 7x a day willing it to ring... i guess i have to take the good with the bad?

i never liked the sad look from someone who wants to be loved by you. so i'll just have to deal with the incredibly frustrating yet incredibly intoxicating, chronically unavailable guy.

besides, i love the way his beard tickles my face when he kisses me.

and yes, that is pertinent information.

You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back

Remember today, for it is the beginning of always. Today marks the start of a brave new future filled with all your dreams can hold. Think truly to the future and make those dreams come true.

Fool! Don't you see now that I could have poisoned you a hundred times had I been able to live without you. --Cleopatra

A hug is the perfect gift; one size fits all, and nobody minds if you exchange it.

Love bravely, live bravely, be courageous, there's really nothing to lose.

Music is what feelings sound like.

Love is like wildflowers; It's often found in the most unlikely places.

We should be taught not to wait for inspiration to start a thing. Action always generates inspiration. Inspiration seldom generates action.

People would say "I'm single.", but well, to me, that sounds rather mean. It sounds like they were trying to say "I'm alone." or "I have nobody to love." That's not true because I have my friends, I have my family, I have my music. I would rather say "I'm free." It sounds better.

Life is truly known only to those who suffer, lose, endure adversity and stumble from defeat to defeat.

Take responsibility for yourself because no one's going to take responsibility for you

Well sometimes

This goes out to all of the people who have been broken, but have been strong enough to let go. For the people who have hurt so badly that they felt they could never love again, but kept their head up. For those who feel like going back to their old lover would put all the pieces back where they belong and everything would fit, but accept the cold hard truth instead. For the people that learn from their mistakes and never stop moving forward, even when they take two steps back. For the people that wish loneliness wasn't part of them, but put up with it anyhow. For the people that are okay with taking up all of the room in the bed, even if sometimes it feels a little empty. For the people who wake up in the morning with no missed calls, but smile anyway. For the people that periodically miss the past, but are so much more excited for the future. For the people that have wounds still healing. For the people that have so much tied to their past relationship, but break those chains to start fresh. For the people that want to look back so badly, but focus on the road ahead. For the people that pick up the phone so tempted to call, but keep their dignity in tact instead. For the people that never wanted to let go, but had to. For the people that still believe in love, even after all of the hurt their heart has endured. For all the people that gave up not because they were weak, but because most times it's better just to let go. We'll all get our happy ending someday.
You ask why I haven't talked to you. Well maybe it's because you slowly pushed me out of your life. I'm glad you're finally noticing

The search

“Search for yourself, by yourself. Do not allow others to make your path for you. It is your road, and yours alone. Others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you”

Unknown Native American



I love this quote because there are great lessons embedded within it. Notice that the beginning says “Search for yourself” Many people are seekers, they are looking for answers from external sources believing that someone else must have the answers they seek. Much like the old country song says, “I was searching for love in all the wrong places…” many people tend to seek via the external all the while when what they truly seek is themselves. Within us we have all we will ever need. Yes, external sources are valuable, they may act as a catalyst for self discovery however it is a futile effort to chase after answers external to our self.

The second part of this quote, “Do not allow others to make your path for you. It is your road and yours alone” is a great lesson and compliments the first part. To me this is again saying that that which we seek is within us and the inward journey is a journey of solitude and that rather than follow the paths that others blazed we have be courageous and blaze our own path. If we try to follow the path of another we are doomed to not be our authentic self," live a life which is not aligned and thus suffer as a result."

The final part of this wise quote, “Others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you” is very important. This says to me that we are social and that it's good to have companionship and love of others as we travel our path, however it is still our path. It also clearly states that we each must walk our own path, blaze our own trail and seek our own truth. No one can walk our path for us. Some may try, however only we can walk our own path. Even a person with all the money in the world cannot pay someone to walk their path for them. The path we seek and the path we discover and walk is the great equalizer. Be you a person of great material wealth or a beggar on the street you must still own and walk your own path.

The pursuit of love gets mixed up with the pursuit of life."

To those of you who have pushed me - thank you. Without you, I wouldn't have fallen. To those of you who have laughed at me - thank you. Without you, I wouldn't have cried. To those of you who just couldn't love me - thank you. Without you, I wouldn't know what real love is. To those of you who hurt my feelings - thank you. Without you, I wouldn't have felt them. To those of you who left me lonely - thank you. Without you, I wouldn't have discovered myself. But, it is to you I thank the most, because without you, I never would have tried.



I should hate him for the ways he's treated me. Except that I don't. I wish I did. I wish I could. Maybe that's what real love is; not hating someone when you have every reason to

Well, I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did. And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did and I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did. And you didn't mean to hurt me, but you did.

We run back to each other when it's convenient. We know that in the end, we're meant for each other but not for right now. So we play these games, act like we're okay when one of us has someone else. When in reality it tears us apart to know that we can be happy with someone else. But it's that slight hope that we will end up together that always keeps us running back for more.

I could really use a wish right now

I couldn't stay away.I tried.I tried so hard but he broke heart
Every morning my thought goes to him, and he stays in her dreams when the world gathered its blanket of darkness.
"I've made him something near perfect," i told myself. "But dreams settle a body down better than nightmares
And I guess that's when I finally understood. I'd been part of his life, a past i wanted to forget. And now... there's nothing to do... but go. Only I didn't. I couldn't. There are things in life that matter, things in the past which can't be denied. he was part of me, and I was part of him. And no matter what, for as long as we live... I know I can never let him go
And i want him to know this without me having to say it. I've said and done so much!
i want him to know that different or weird, she's unique; she's special. Don't take that for granted, because it was that special something that caught your eye in first place.